When it comes to sex, most married
Christians just do what works for them. If they have been blessed enough
to have discovered something that brings satisfaction, pleasure,
closeness, and climax, they most likely will continue that practice.
However, some are plagued with guilt because they wonder if what they're
doing is sinful.
Marriage Partnership receives many, many
questions from Christian couples who want to know what is and what is
not okay to do sexually. Unfortunately, churches tend to ignore this
issue, small groups usually don't talk about sex, and most Christian
books deal with more "spiritual" ideas.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a list of sexual practices
categorized by "sinful" or "okay"? Is there such a list? Would everyone
agree with the list? Is there a solution to this dilemma?
We think the answers to those questions are: yes, no,
no, and probably not—in that order. We'd really like to create such a
list that could settle once and forever the niggling doubts about sexual
practices. But that's not possible. Different communities of Christians
have different understandings about sexual practices that are based on a
few general biblical principles. No list would be accepted by all
Christians. Still, we do want to provide some guidelines that we hope
will help you enjoy the gift of your sexuality to the fullest. That's
what we're convinced God wants for each of his children.
We doubt that God's surprised by the intensity of our
sexual desire or of its fulfillment. Seeing us enjoy the passion and
pleasure seems to fit with his creative nature. There are some definite
boundaries, however, that were identified through his Word. These are
established to protect and enhance the maximum enjoyment of the gift. We
think it's like our giving our kids bicycles. We'd teach them the
safety rules right away so they could delight in the ride without being
run over by a car on a busy street.
First, we'd like to point out the obvious—the Bible is
not a manual on sexual technique. We've heard some people say that Song
of Solomon describes acceptable sexual positions and behavior. We see it
as a poetic love song that clearly embraces the joy of sexual play. We
don't think it is an attempt to outline any specific sexual practices.
Second, we want to emphasize again that there are some
specific sexual behaviors that are forbidden in scriptures. Adultery,
that is having sexual intercourse with another person's spouse or a
partner other than your own spouse, is a sin. Jesus, in the Sermon on
the Mount, deepens the importance of marital faithfulness by extending
the prohibition of infidelity to include a lustful thought life as well
as the physical act of intercourse. Looking into our minds and hearts is
an important principle for safeguarding the delights of intimacy.
Scripture is also clear about the evil of
fornication—premarital sexual intercourse—which most of our culture
accepts as normal and irresistible. We see many couples suffering from
the consequences of their early promiscuity. The "sexual freedom" of our
time isn't free and usually carries some pretty heavy costs.
The Bible also lists other practices that are
"abominations" to God (Le v. 18, Rom. 1:21-32, I Thess. 4:1-8, and I
Cor. 6:12-20). These include homosexuality, bestiality, and incest.
And last, there is a vast array of possible sexual
practices for married couples that are not mentioned at all in Scripture
(we can find no reference to Internet pornography, vibrators, or
videos). So, since we aren't likely to find a definitive answer, the
best we can do is find the principles God has given us and apply them to
the cultural setting we're living in. As we look for those you may not
be surprised to find that we're not much different in the twenty-first
century than how mankind has been since creation. We have the same
anatomical equipment, the same physiologic hormones, the same mental
capacity for lust and fantasy, and the same relational needs that have
always driven men and women to seek sexual pleasure and intimacy. As
Ecclesiastes says, "there is nothing new under the sun," except maybe
the vast array of new toys.
Exclusivity
Many studies have confirmed what biblical commandments
imply. That is that becoming one flesh with one partner provides the
best setting for satisfying sexual intimacy. Sex is neither a spectator
sport for group indulgence nor an event to test a person's ability to
score with multiple partners. Casual sex as a way to prove one's prowess
or simply achieve physiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms
that his or her ability to copulate is intact. Although providing some
pleasure, it fails to meet the deeper need for intimacy that sex was
designed to give.
A couple in a long-term committed relationship enters
into a more secure and trusting territory with each sexual encounter. In
that bed sex can truly become "making love" rather than just having
sex. Multiple partners create mistrust, performance anxiety, and
comparison evaluations that are barriers to the deepest levels of
intimacy.
Mutuality
It is obvious to most couples early on that men and
women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives.
Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in
forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness
through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent
love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over
positions for intercourse, frequency of sex, and experimentation with
different sources of stimulation.
This creates enormous opportunity for a couple to
develop mutual submissiveness in their relationship. Each individual
will have ways to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his
or her mate. We feel that giving that respect to each other is a huge
way to guide your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely
mature love.
Doing only what is mutually agreeable sexually means
that each partner will make sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. A wife
may give herself more frequently or try a variety of sexual experiences
that go beyond her comfort zone. A husband may relinquish some sexual
fantasy or adjust his demands for intercourse twice a day just to show
love to his mate. Those exercises in personal restraint are not easy,
but help build the oneness of intimacy.
Specific behaviors that often fit this criteria are oral
sex, rear-entry vaginal penetration, initiation of sexual activity,
positions for intercourse, and mutual masturbation. We find no
scriptural injunction against any of these or of frequency of
intercourse. The Old Testament command of not having intercourse during a
woman's menstrual period does seem to have the medical benefit of
avoiding some infectious processes. Paul's admonition in I Corinthians
not to withhold sex except by mutual consent seems to fit with this
general principle of mutuality. It acknowledges the legitimacy of sexual
desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.
Pleasurability
Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you're
doing doesn't bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment
and distance between you. That's not part of the design for "becoming
one flesh." It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain
for one or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something
is creating discomfort, it is probably treatable (such as vaginitis or
painful erections). This can certainly produce barriers to intimacy.
At times couples may want to explore the areas of
sado-masochistic sex or bondage fantasies. We feel that these behaviors
move sex out of the arena of selfless love into that of power or
domination fantasies. In those neighborhoods sex becomes an invasive,
controlling behavior in which one person is violated. That is a sexual
perversion and is likely to create shame, humiliation, and ultimate
devaluation of one (or both) partners. When domination is a necessary
ingredient for sexual pleasure there tends to be development of
tolerance to the level of excitation. Hence increasing levels of the
stimulation are required for the same sense of gratification. This is
seen in its extreme in pornography that includes rape and even murder as
forms of sexual stimulation.
Relationality
Duh! You might think. Well, of course, sexual intimacy includes a strong relational component.
Unfortunately, that ain't necessarily so. One of the
most destructive forces we're seeing these days is the increasing
frequency of sexual addictive disorders. When having sexual release
becomes an addiction driven to levels of compulsive behavior, the
relationship with a marriage partner may be replaced with various
stimuli that are essentially fantasy based. We have seen men deeply
hooked on Internet pornography (or other forms). They are compulsively
driven to increasing exposure to pornographic stimulation and
masturbatory release of sexual tension. We have seen women equally
hooked on romance novels or chat-room sex talk for sexual release. These
disorders displace the relational dimension of sexuality.
Marital sex, if maintained at all, takes place
mechanically with mental fantasies from the artificial relationships
providing the only sexual stimulation. That robs marriage of the most
crucial part of intimacy—the blend of relational and sexual
connectedness.
The use of pornographic films from whatever source
introduces this possible danger into your sexuality. Explicit sexual
materials can provide sexual excitement and arousal, but that form of
stimulation may erode your enjoyment of each other. Those images may
also create a basic sense of dissatisfaction with yourselves since most
couples don't maintain or ever achieve the sensual appearance of porn
actors and models. The whole industry is based on illusions and those
lies can lead to death of your relationship as well as your sexual
satisfaction.
Perpetuating Genital Union
We delight in sexual playfulness and creative ways to
pleasure one another, but unless it is not physically possible for a
couple, we think nothing you do should completely replace genital union.
The symbolism of having the embrace of vagina to penis and total giving
of the erect penis to the welcoming vaginal canal is a recurring
reminder that we were created for each other. The intimacy of that
connectedness should awaken our most primitive desire for oneness. To
enjoy sexual release in that most passionate form of embrace welds us
into oneness like few other experiences.
Melissa and Louis McBurney, M.D., Real Sex columnists for Marriage Partnership, are marriage therapists and co-founders of Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado, where they counsel clergy couples.
