Benefits of Sex

By Kathleen Doheny
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Michael W. Smith, MD

Being "in the mood" just might help your health.
How does a juicy sex life do a body good? Let's count the ways.

Sex-Drive Killers Slideshow

1. Less Stress, Better Blood Pressure

Having sex could lower your stress and your blood pressure.
That finding comes from a Scottish study of 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. The researchers put them in stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing math out loud -- and checked their blood pressure.
People who had had intercourse responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.
Another study found that diastolic blood pressure (the bottom number of your blood pressure) tends to be lower in people who live together and have sex often.

2. Sex Boosts Immunity

Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.
A Wilkes University study had 112 college students keep records of how often they had sex and also provide saliva samples for the study. Those who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of IgA, an antibody that could help you avoid a cold or other infection, than other students.

3. Sex Burns Calories

Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.
"Sex is a great mode of exercise," Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton, says. It takes both physical and psychological work, though, to do it well, she says.

4. Sex Improves Heart Health

A 20-year-long British study shows that men who had sex two or more times a week were half as likely to have a fatal heart attack than men who had sex less than once a month.
And although some older folks may worry that sex could cause a stroke, the study found no link between how often men had sex and how likely they were to have a stroke.

5. Better Self-Esteem

University of Texas researchers found that boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex.
That finding makes sense to sex, marriage, and family therapist Gina Ogden. She also says that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better.
"One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she says. "Great sex begins with self-esteem. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."
Of course, you don't have to have lots of sex to feel good about yourself. Your self-esteem is all about you -- not someone else. But if you're already feeling good about yourself, a great sex life may help you feel even better.

6. Deeper Intimacy

Having sex and orgasms boosts levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps people bond and build trust.
In a study of 59 women, researchers checked their oxytocin levels before and after the women hugged their partners. The women had higher oxytocin levels if they had more of that physical contact with their partner.
Higher oxytocin levels have also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So snuggle up -- it might help you feel more generous toward your partner.

7. Sex May Turn Down Pain

Oxytocin also boosts your body's painkillers, called endorphins. Headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms may improve after sex.
In one study, 48 people inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked. The oxytocin cut their pain threshold by more than half.

8. More Ejaculations May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely

Research shows that frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may lower the risk of getting prostate cancer later in life.
A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that men who had 21 or more ejaculations a month were less likely to get prostate cancer than those who had four to seven ejaculations per month.
The study doesn't prove that ejaculations were the only factor that mattered. Many things affect a person's odds of developing cancer. But when the researchers took that into consideration, the findings still held.

9. Stronger Pelvic Floor Muscles

For women, doing pelvic floor muscle exercises called Kegels may mean more pleasure -- and, as a perk, less chance of incontinence later in life.
To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor as if you're trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.

10. Better Sleep

The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, research shows.
Getting enough sleep has also been linked with a host of other health benefits, such as a healthy weight and better blood pressure. That's something to think about, especially if you've been wondering why your guy can be active one minute and snoring the next.

How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

What Happens When He Says 'More' and She Says 'No'

• By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN

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It is a nagging, unspoken question in many relationships: how often should we be having sex? WSJ "Bonds" columnist Elizabeth Bernstein has the latest research, and Chris and Afton Mower share their personal experience on Lunch Break. Photo: Getty Images.

Chris Mower and his high-school sweetheart, Afton, were happy newlyweds. They picnicked in the park, hung out with friends, even took dancing lessons.
Yet before half a year had passed, Mr. Mower developed a rather significant concern: They weren't having enough sex—and the situation was getting worse by the week.

Michael Friberg for The Wall Street Journal

Afton and Chris Mower found a solution to their differing expectations about sex.

When Mr. Mower attempted to talk to his wife about the problem, she changed the subject. He tried whispering in her ear. She ignored him. After reading online that women are turned on by men who do housework, he washed the dishes and vacuumed more often. "It didn't change anything," says the web designer and food blogger, now 30, who lives in West Jordan, Utah.
Months stretched into years. Mr. Mower tracked their sex life in a notebook he kept in his nightstand. He drew a chart and filled in different-shaped dots to represent various scenarios: He initiated sex but was declined. They planned on sex but didn't follow through. They actually had sex. Mr. Mower says he was rebuffed 95% of the time; his wife says his memory is highly subjective. He became grumpy, gained weight and stopped wanting to come home at night. "For me to feel good about myself, I needed her to have sex with me," he says. "Otherwise I thought she didn't love me."
The Mowers are unusual in their willingness to speak frankly about a familiar source of marital unhappiness—differing expectations about sex. They came up with a solution they believe saved their marriage and want to let other couples know.

Enlarge Image

Michael Friberg for The Wall Street Journal

Afton and Chris Mower with their daughters Maggie and Robyn playing near their house in West Jordan, Utah on Sunday, April 21st 2013. Michael Friberg for the WSJ

Remember the scene in "Annie Hall" where Woody Allen's and Diane Keaton's characters each answer their therapists' questions about how often they have sex? Mr. Allen's Alvy Singer laments, "Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week." Annie Hall's complaint? "Constantly. I'd say three times a week." Sure, it's funny. Just maybe a little less so if you're a man.
Increasingly, experts believe sex is a more emotional experience for men than for women. Men tend to express feelings with actions, not words. Unlike a lot of women, they probably don't have heart-to-heart chats with everyone from their best friend to the bus driver, and they often limit hugs and physical affection to their immediate family.
No wonder they miss sex when it disappears. It's a way for them to be aggressive and manly but also tender and vulnerable. "For some men, sex may be their primary way of communicating and expressing intimacy," says Justin Lehmiller, a Harvard University social psychologist who studies sexuality. Taking away sex "takes away their primary emotional outlet."

It is overly simple to assume male sexuality is primarily biological and that men are constantly looking for a physical outlet, says Esther Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City and author of "Mating in Captivity." Men, much more than women, relate to a partner through sex, she says, as evidenced by their fear of rejection, concerns about performance and desire to please. "When a man gets depressed because he's not being touched, it's just like the little boy who stands in his crib and cries to be picked up," she says. "He is experiencing emotional deprivation."
Still, there is a chemical reaction going on. Physical touch of any kind drives up the brain's oxytocin levels, for both men and women. Orgasm causes the brain to release oxytocin and vasopressin, the "feel-good" hormones that promote attachment. Men may rely on their partner not just for sex, but for most of their nonsexual touch as well. They tend to have orgasms more frequently than women and to get a testosterone boost from them, which makes them feel better. "Take sex away and they don't have the chemical stimulants that give them a sense of well-being," says Helen Fisher, a Rutgers University research scientist in anthropology.
How much sex is "normal"? Almost 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32% reported having sex two to three times per week; 47% reported having sex a few times per month, according to "The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States," a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field.

Bonds

Why Divas Need Make No Apology
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Friendly Advice: Don't Overshare

A study published in the May issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science looked at sexual desire in long-term relationships and concluded that people are better able to sustain desire when they are motivated to meet their partner's sexual needs, even when these needs conflict with their own preferences.
Researchers call it sexual communal strength, and people who rate high in it are willing to engage in sexual activity with their partner even when it doesn't necessarily turn them on. They expect their partner will do the same for them, but it isn't an immediate quid pro quo.
The study followed 44 long-term couples with partners from ages 23 to 60. They answered questions about their sexual communal strength. And they kept diaries for three weeks recording how much sexual desire they had, reasons for having sex (if they did) and other details about satisfaction and feelings of closeness. Four months later, the researchers followed up to see what had changed.
The results indicate that people who rated high in sexual communal strength had more sexual desire and maintained it over the five-month study. People who rated low started out with less desire and it declined. There weren't significant gender differences. "We think people higher in sexual communal strength are more focused on positive outcomes in their relationship," says Amy Muise, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto and lead author of the study. "They are having sex to enhance intimacy and feel closer to their partner rather than to please themselves, and this is what leads them to feel higher desire."
Chris and Afton Mower, who have been married almost 10 years, were raised in the Mormon church and had sex for the first time on their wedding night. Each was excited and stressed. "We expected sparks and it didn't happen," says Mr. Mower.
Early in the marriage, Ms. Mower became pregnant and lost the baby. Her libido was diminished, and she was uncomfortable discussing sex with her husband. The couple went months, and once a whole year, without having sex. "I knew that he felt deprived of intimacy that he really wanted and needed, but all the pressure I felt made me want it less," recalls Ms. Mower, now 31 and a stay-at-home mom. Mr. Mower recalls, "Here was an opportunity to get to know my spouse on an intimate level, yet neither of us was opening up."
Last year, Mr. Mower read a book ("Passionate Marriage," by David Schnarch) that inspired him to throw out the graphs. He asked his wife to read it, too, and told her they had to work together on a healthy sex life to save their marriage.
"He said, 'It feels like you don't love me'—and that really, really scared me," Ms. Mower recalls. "I decided to raise my game. I let myself feel what I really felt and tried to dig into what had always been buried." It was a plus, she says, that reading a book about sex made her feel sexy.
It seems to have worked. The Mowers say they have had more sex in the past month than in the previous two years. "Before, we focused on ourselves," says Mr. Mower. "Now, I have sex because I enjoy spending time with her and she has sex because she enjoys spending time with me. It is no longer about the ego."
Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Bonds@wsj.com or follow her at www.Facebook.com/EBernsteinWSJ.

A version of this article appeared April 22, 2013, on page D1 in the U.S. edition of The Wall Street Journal, with the headline: He Says 'More' and She Says 'No'.

Mark Goulston, M.D.

Principal, Mark Goulston, M.D., Inc.

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How to Make Your Marriage Last Longer Than the Wedding

Posted: 04/26/2013 2:02 pm

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Have you ever noticed how an intimate relationship becomes different as soon as the couple (and usually the bride with her family) start planning the wedding? In many cases, the groom can look a little shell-shocked by the time he says, "I do." Given that this is a very common phenomenon, I reached out to Jerome and Tracey Carter, authors of How To Make Your Marriage Last Longer Than The Wedding and asked them about this:
Why is it that as soon as a couple says I do; at the first sign of adversity, they really don't?

• Unrealistic expectations going into the marriage. Based upon how you were raised or how much TV you watched, you may have a totally different view of how marriage should be than your spouse. Communicate and discuss your expectations of marriage before the wedding and definitely during the marriage.


• Lack of pre-marital coaching/counseling/ education. Marriage isn't anything to be entered into lightly. You must seek out wise counsel to be sure that you understand the many dynamics and the magnitude of a marriage relationship.

Why is it that we can say the vows during the wedding ceremony but we can't live the vows during the marriage journey?

• Lack of understanding of what marriage really is. Not having the courage or maturity to understand that marriage is a marathon and not a sprint will have you forget your vows on your wedding night.


• Poor models and examples of what marriage really is. If the only model you and I have of marriage are the poor examples in our family, where will we get an idea or picture of what a healthy, successful marriage looks like?

Why is it, a spouse can get along with everyone on the job, at the gym, at the school, at the church, in the community, in the office; but they can't get along with their spouse at home?

• Because it is easy to wear a mask around others who don't really know the real you. Most people wear a mask and put up a front to uphold their reputation every day. They never really display the real them because they don't know who they really are. It's a frightening marriage when one or both spouses don't know who they really are within and outside of the marriage.


• Because we make everybody else and every place a priority other than our spouse and our family. Our family must be our #1 priority. I've counseled countless men that have lost the very thing they said they were going to work to provide for; how sad is that!


• Because it takes work to maintain a successful marriage relationship. The wedding is fun the marriage is work (but it can be fun too)!

What can couples do so they won't experience marriage regret after the wedding?

• Date at least 1-2 years before getting married. You must spend time with your spouse so you can get to know them before marriage. I believe you must see all the seasons of a year while dating. There could be a change and difference from summer, fall, winter and spring but you will never know that if you rush into marriage. Be patient and see the four seasons while dating.


• Always be honest with each other during the courting process. Make sure the real you is being presented during the dating and courting process, so the data won't be skewed.


• Don't ignore the warning signs. The first time he/she shows you who they really are, believe them. What you see is what you get. They probably won't change and you probably won't change them. Don't get married if you see "deal breakers" during the dating and courting process.

What are the three most common surprises after the wedding?

• Lack of honesty. Always be honest about your feelings and who you really are; don't pretend to be something just to impress your spouse. That will get tired really fast!


• Not making the marriage a priority. Once you are married, your spouse and marriage must be your top priority in life.


• Competing with instead of complementing each other. You and your spouse are on the same team. You can accomplish so much by working together; however you can quickly destroy your marriage by working apart.

What are the four best tips for extending the Honeymoon so it is never over?

• Date night once a week. You must make your marriage a priority and date at least once a week; even if it is just investing in a 2 dollar ice-cream or coffee and walking in the park!


• Quarterly weekend get a ways without the kids. At least four times a year, you and your spouse should take mini trips to get away from kids, family and friends; so the two of you can reflect on your marriage and spend time with each other.


• Couples retreats at least once a year. Attend a couples conference or retreat with other like minded couples so you can learn how to build, invest in and strengthen your marriage!


• Laughter and plenty of it daily. Please take your marriage seriously; but you don't have to take yourself that seriously. Find time to laugh and find the humor in the mistakes and difference that you and your spouse will encounter over the course of your marriage journey.

Average man has 9 sexual partners in lifetime, women have 4

Men have twice as many sexual partners as women over the course of their lives, research suggests.

Men reported having twice as many different sexual partners as women. Photo: GETTY IMAGES

By Martin Beckford, Social Affairs Editor

4:00PM GMT 15 Dec 2011

153 Comments

The Health Survey for England found that men reported having 9.3 different partners on average, with a quarter of men boasting of more than 10 conquests.

However a third of those questioned admitted they were only estimating the number of notches on their bedposts.

By contrast, women had a mean average of 4.7 sexual partners in their lives so far, with a quarter having just one. They were more likely to be certain of the number of lovers they had had.

“More women than men reported having sexual intercourse with only one partner of the opposite sex in their lifetime (24 per cent of women compared with 17 per cent of men), and conversely more men than women reported having sexual intercourse with 10 or more partners of the opposite sex (27 per cent of men and 13 per cent of women).”

Among older women, monogamy was even more common with 40 per cent of those aged between 55 and 69 saying they had only ever had one sexual partner.

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Older women were also far less likely to be sexually active, with 36 per cent saying they had not had a partner in the past year. Overall a fifth of respondents aged between 16 and 69 had been chaste.
The poll of 14,000 people, published by the NHS Information Centre on Thursday, suggested that younger generations were losing their virginity at ever earlier ages and taking more risks.
Its chief executive Tim Straughan said the annual report, which asked questions about sex for the first time, "paints a picture of sexual behaviour which is changing over the generations with younger women tending to begin having sex younger".
A fifth of men and one in seven women said they had had sex before their sixteenth birthday, and the median age for first sex was 17. Overall fewer than one in 10 of those questioned were still virgins.
But among 16 to 24 year-old women the proportion who had lost their virginity before 16 – which would mean their partners were breaking the law – rose to 27 per cent.
Although most said they used contraception, a fifth of young women had had to turn to the morning-after pill in the past year and 17 per cent of those aged between 16 and 34 had been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection.
In addition, 15 per cent of young women had had between two and four different sexual partners in the past year.
The report noted that the teenage pregnancy rate in England, although falling to a 20-year low in 2009 of 40 conceptions per 1,000 under-18s, “is still high when compared with Western Europe”.
“The prevention of unplanned teenage motherhood is a public health priority as it can have detrimental effects on the health and socioeconomic status of both mother and child.”
The Public Health Minister, Anne Milton, said: “Young people should think carefully before having sex - it's not something to rush into. Consider seriously if it's right for you, what contraception to use and the best way to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections.”
Diane Abbott, Labour’s Shadow Health Minister, said: “The rising numbers of girls having under-age sex is alarming. It is not a cost-free phenomenon. It poses public health policy challenges and social challenges. The underlying cause must be the ‘pornification’ of British culture and the increasing sexualisation of pre-adolescent girls.

“Too many young girls are absorbing from the popular culture around them that they only have value as sex objects. Inevitably they act this notion out. Government needs to respond to spiralling under-age sex, not with pointless schemes to teach abstinence, but with better PSHE teaching in schools for both girls and boys.”

How to Make Your Marriage Succeed

by Joyce Meyer

For years I had low self-esteem and I did not like myself. I hated my personality and I hated the way my voice sounded. Somewhere along the line, through the abuse I had endured growing up, I internalized the shame. I was no longer ashamed of what was happening to me—I became ashamed of me. I was hurting and, consequently, was hurting other people.


Did you know that if you don't like yourself, you are never going to like anybody else, and you won't be able to help your spouse like himself or herself? You will spend all your time trying to prove your own value. Healing first comes by accepting yourself, knowing that where you are today is not where you will end up, and knowing that God is continually perfecting you, too. We all need to accept the unconditional love of God and acknowledge the fact that God doesn't love us because of what we do - but because of who we are.
One morning, as I sat in my pajamas praying, the Lord said to me, "Joyce, I really can't do anything else in your life until you do what I have told you to do concerning your husband."
The Lord had been dealing with me because I was having problems being submissive. I had such a strong will and was still caught in my defensive attitude from being abused as a child. I was missing out on the blessings God was eager for me to enjoy.
After praying, I got up and went to take a shower in the new bathroom my husband Dave had just installed off our bedroom. Since he had not yet put up a towel rack, I laid my towel on the toilet seat and started to step into the shower.
Dave saw what I was doing and asked me, "Why did you put your towel there?"
Right away I could feel my emotions getting stirred up.
"What's wrong with putting it there?" I asked in a sarcastic tone.
As an engineer, Dave answered with typical mathematical logic. "Well, since we don't have a floor mat yet, if you put your towel in front of the shower door, when you get out you won't drip water on the carpet while reaching for it."
"Well, what difference would it make if I did get a little water on the carpet?" I asked in a huff.
Sensing the mood I was in, Dave just gave up, shrugged his shoulders, and went on his way.
As it turned out, I did what Dave had suggested, but I did it by angrily slamming the towel onto the floor. I did the right thing, but I did it with the wrong attitude.
As I stepped into the shower after throwing my towel on the floor, I was filled with rage. "For crying out loud," I ranted to myself. "I can't even take a shower in peace! Why can't I do anything without somebody trying to tell me what to do?" In my frustration, I went on and on.
Although I was a Christian and had been in ministry teaching others for some time, I myself lacked control over my own mind, will, and emotions. It was three full days before I calmed down enough to get over that bath towel incident.
For those three days, I was the noisy gong and clanging cymbal described in 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is the highest form of maturity. It often requires a sacrificial gift. If love doesn't require some sort of sacrifice on our part, we probably don't love the other person at all. If there is no sacrifice in our actions, we are most likely reacting to something nice they did for us, or simply pretending to be kind to gain some control over them. Love is almost always undeserved by the person who receives it.
Our decisions should always have our spouse's interests in mind. Even a mediocre marriage requires sacrifice. It is important to understand that true love gives of itself.
Sacrifice means you are not going to have your way all the time. This means both the husband and wife are called to love each other with unconditional love. There has to be sacrifice of selfish desires if a couple is going to enjoy a triumphant marriage. As for me, every day when I get up, I choose to have a good marriage. I'm not leaving that one for chance to decide!

---

This article is taken from Joyce's audio teaching, Marriage That Works.

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What Sex-Starved Husbands Tell Me

Your husband is not an "animal" for wanting to have sex.
He is not being unreasonably demanding.
And he is not a selfish pig.
He is a normal guy who has an appropriate expectation that his desire and need for sexual intimacy be met with the woman he married and loves.
That's you.
Yes, I know that some marriages are in the midst of incredibly painful circumstances, wrought with betrayal, horrendous miscommunication and deep unresolved woundedness. The lack of sex is not an insurmountable matter, but I get that it is complicated.
I also know there are many marriages that don't fit that bill. Many.
For the most part, they are relationships that move along just fine, with the exception of this discord in sexual intimacy.
Voila.
Sex-starved husband.
Enter stage right.
If you have been regularly denying your husband (and yourself) sex -- if this is the "norm" in your marriage -- then I humbly encourage you to stop lying to yourself.
Stop telling yourself "it is no big deal" that you and your husband rarely or never have sex.
It is a big deal.
Now, I could tell you to "just have more sex."
But that advice would be drenched in short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes.
Ridiculous.
If ever there was a place for short-sightedness and surfacey platitudes, I guarantee it is not marriage.  When have quick fixes or token efforts ever led to any kind of authentic and long-lasting depth in a marriage? Don't answer that. We all know the answer.
What I would compassionately tell you is to figure out why you have allowed and/or purposely chosen that sex become non-existent in your bed.
Here are some possibilities (and some solutions):
Are you punishing him for a past hurt that the two of you haven't worked through?
Do the courageous thing. Bring the issue out in the light and commit to reaching a place of forgiveness, healing and strengthened resolve to treat one another better.
If you need help from a counselor, get it.
I don't know your situation and I certainly would never minimize how badly he hurt you, but give yourself permission to stand back and take an objective look.
Is it worth it -- is it really worth it -- to withhold sex from him as a way to punish him?  My guess is the feeling of victory is not quite as prevalent as the quicksand of bitterness.
Have you not sought healing for past sexual pain, such as sexual abuse, sexual promiscuity, rape, abortion, so forth?
If you were violated sexually in the past -- or if your own sexual promiscuity has left you wrestling in isolation with shame and pain -- then I implore you to seek help.
For the sake of yourself and for your marriage, please do not deny yourself the healing you need.  That healing will help you embrace a right and good and holy perspective on sex with the man you married.
Are you not experiencing pleasure?
Learn about your body and educate your husband.  Talk during foreplay and sex to specifically tell him what feels good.
Relax.
Spend more time making love.
Allow yourself to embrace sexual pleasure, which was designed by God.  I know this is obvious, but God designed your entire body, including your clitoris. Yes! The clitoris was God's idea.  Kudos to Him on that one.  Seriously, that little part of your anatomy serves no other purpose but intense sexual pleasure.
Like I always say, orgasm isn't everything. But it is a very strong something.
Are you still believing lies that sex is dirty, wrong, gross, only for procreation?
Enough already, okay.  Enough.
God designed sex to endear a husband and wife to each other, to protect them from temptation, and to give them a glimpse of His intense love. (Sure, He designed it to make babies too, but the vast majority of sex in marriage isn't for procreation).
Whatever you've been told (maybe even by Christians) that paints marital sex in a bad or "obligatory-only" light is a bold-faced slam against the Word of God.  Stop trivializing the truth of what God says about sex. Think I'm looney for saying any of this? Seek His Word and then let's have a friendly heart-to-heart chat.
God is such a sexy God. I'm just saying.
Do your own struggles with body image inhibit you to the point that you have convinced yourself "there's no way he would want to have sex with me"?
How I wish that this body image issue didn't wreak such havoc on marriage beds.
This might be a shocker to you, but the standards doled out in media and entertainment on what constitutes "beautiful" and "sexy" are completely inaccurate. (Creating counterfeit images is kind of their gig. It's called "make believe" for a reason. We are "made" to "believe" something that isn't quite what they portray it to be).
If you want to get physically healthier, by all means, please do.
But if you are holding your marriage hostage until you lose the baby fat or get back to your age-20 body, pa-leaseeee -- stop it.  Express to your husband your struggles and ask him to be more affirming.  Then do your part by growing in your sexual confidence and enjoying sex with the man you married.
(By the way, if you want to read a couple of fabulous posts on body image, I particularly like this recent one by Lori Byerly, as well as this one by Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous.)
Is his hygiene (or lack thereof) offensive to you?
I know this can be a sensitive issue, but if your husband paying closer attention to his hygiene would help improve your sexual intimacy, then by all means, you have to tell him.  Speak with a tone of love, but speak it.
And for you husbands reading this, trust me -- most women like a guy who smells clean.  Better yet, a guy who is clean.  Shower before you head to bed. (Wives, why not suggest you and your husband shower together before sex?  Just an idea. Hmmm.  Wonder how I came up with that one?!)
I could go on and on, but my point is that a long-term solution is not simply "going through the motions" when it comes to sex (or, sadly, not going through any motions).
Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren't Christians so that it would be easier to "just leave."
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don't even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist.  It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather  be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving "obligation" sex.
Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don't think a selfish pig would say something like that.
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.

• John says: October 24th, 2011 at 8:34 am

  I am a husband who endured a nearly sexless marriage for 15 years. I can relate to every husband whom you quoted. I wanted desperately to be intimate with my wife more often....but got the cold shoulder over and over again. In the beginning I just thought it was normal....but after a few years of marriage I began to realize that my need for sex and intimacy was not being met in a meaningful way. I tried to encourage an atmosphere of love.....I did my best to meet all of her needs emotionally, spiritually and physically in a non sexual way.....to no avail. I hinted and prodded......still....nothing more than once a month at best. I was left feeling inadequate all the time.....when we would have sex.....I could not last very long because we had sex so little that the excitement was overwhelming when we would. So when we would have sex it would really only last for a minute or two and I would feel guilty. Then it seemed that she wanted it less and less until at one point we were having sex maybe once every three months or longer. This drove me to look at soft porn and that of coarse led to more main stream porn.....I hated it and I hated my wife for not being there for our marriage. I wanted out but knew divorce was not Gods way.....I also knew porn was not Gods wau either......I felt trapped....caught in this endless spiral of no sex with the women I loved and the horrible trap of porn. Some time in our 15 th year of marriage I began scouring the Internet to find out what other Christians had to say about "Sex in Christain Marriage" and I was shocked to find many websites like yours talking about the very things I was feeling. This gave me a feeling that God was hearing my crys. Every time I would look at porn I would be left feeling empty and I would pray for his forgiveness......all I wanted was a wife that desired me and wanted to have sex with me and be intimate. God met those prayers......and slowly I gained confidence to confront my wife and encourage her to read some of these web sites. She did reluctantly. I bought eBooks written by Christain authors that addressed these issues and when she would ask what I was reading I would put the eBook on her iPhone for her to read. She slowly began to focus on what was going on and began to read the things I was reading. God drew me to a place where I felt that I needed to confess my sin of porn to her and at that moment she realized what she had been doing all along. The road from that moment has not been perfect.....but it has been a road of healing.....healing takes time and can only be done by God. Today our marriage is much different. Sex occurrs multiple times a week and our relationship has strengthened through Gods Love. I would encourage all who are suffering in a sexless or near sexless marriage to put in the effort to bring about change......you may find it was the best thing you ever did
  

• J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) says: October 24th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

  What a powerful testimony from John! 15 years is a loooooong time to hang in there without intimacy with your spouse, but healing can happen.
  Great post, Julie. I have heard from hubbies as well who are hurting - not merely from testicular vasocongestion, but deep emotional pain. There are also wives who are sex-starved in their marriages, which I know you have addressed in the past. We need to ask tough questions like you suggested, find some answers, and make marital intimacy a high priority. Thanks again for aiming at the heart of the issue and hitting it dead on.
  

• David Patrick says: October 24th, 2011 at 6:42 pm

  Wow, John's testimony is as strong as the blog post itself. Julie, I wonder if you could post his comment as a blog post or get him to write a guest post.
  

• HMT says: October 25th, 2011 at 1:42 pm

  John, I am glad you worked through this. I would encourage wives who read this post to take it pretty seriously, because I can say that men think of sex as so much more than the act. You are telling him you love him when you make love with him.
  Many women don't realize that to men sex = love, at least on some levels. Not having sex (to you) doesn't mean you don't love him, but that's the way he takes it, I guarantee it.
  Julie has mentioned some books on her website: For Women Only and its companion, For Men Only, by Shaunti Felthahn. My wife is reading the women's version and though she is a great gal, and has been a wonderful wife, most of the stuff in there, she didn't realize. Sexual refusal = rejection (Another one that women don't realize about men.) Too tired? You need to explain this, and give him an alternate (and very quick) date. A satisfied husband is a very grateful husband, and he will be changing your oil for you, taking you out to eat, and a whole bunch of other neat stuff. (If he's already doing that... holy cow, show him you love him by having a love making time with him. )
  After reading the For Men Only, I'm realizing a whole bunch of stuff I didn't know about my wife. So guys, Don't forget your wives love to have their hand held, without any expectation of sex. They love it when we take care of things for them without being asked, or when we take care of the kids' homework with them, again, with no hidden expectations.
  (It's a two way street then, but for heaven sakes, wives, once in a while, be sexual with your husband.)
  

10 reasons why all gay marriage should be banned

1. 1) Being gay is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like glasses, polyester and air conditioning.
   
   2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
   
   3) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets or toasters because a dog or electronic device has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
   
   4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
   
   5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ and Sinead O'Connor would be destroyed.
   
   6) The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
   
   7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
   
   Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in Ireland.
   
   9) Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
   
   10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
3. 13th April 2013, 03:16 PM #2
   R3volution_R3ady

   

   Join Date

   Sep 2012

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   Gay marriage should be legal. No if's or but's...
   
   Why do you care what other people do?!
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
4. 13th April 2013, 03:17 PM #3
   Moneygod

   Join Date

   Feb 2013

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   Originally Posted by johndodger

   1) Being gay is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like glasses, polyester and air conditioning.
   
   2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
   
   3) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets or toasters because a dog or electronic device has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
   
   4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
   
   5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ and Sinead O'Connor would be destroyed.
   
   6) The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
   
   7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
   
   Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in Ireland.
   
   9) Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
   
   10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.

   
   Its a bit early in the day for this kind of shyte..
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
5. 13th April 2013, 03:17 PM #4
   Easilydistracted

   

   Join Date

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   Originally Posted by R3volution_R3ady

   Gay marriage should be legal. No if's or but's...
   
   Why do you care what other people do?!

   read it again
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
6. 13th April 2013, 03:19 PM #5
   Bill

   Join Date

   Feb 2009

   Posts

   3,669

   Originally Posted by johndodger

   1) Being gay is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like glasses, polyester and air conditioning.
   
   2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
   
   3) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets or toasters because a dog or electronic device has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
   
   4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
   
   5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ and Sinead O'Connor would be destroyed.
   
   6) The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
   
   7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
   
   Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in Ireland.
   
   9) Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
   
   10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.

Is Nymphomania the Same Thing as Sex Addiction?

Nymphomania refers to excessive sexual drive among women, while Satyriasis refers to men with the same condition. The words stem from the nymphs and satyrs of Greek mythology, and encourage an idealized image of hypersexual individuals. Nymphomania is a more popular term, most likely due to the stereotype that men already want sex all the time but that a sex-obsessed woman is a novelty.
The term is usually used in a joking way to refer to those with a high sex drive. It does not describe an actual medical condition, because there is no set standard for what is “excessive” sexual desire. Sex addiction means sex becomes a compulsive need and begins to control a person’s actions, but it does not define a universal level of “excessive” sexual desire either.

What Is Sex Addiction?

The prevalence of terms like nymphomania and casual portrayals of sex addiction in popular media have given the impression that sex addiction is not serious, but in reality it can ruin people’s lives. Sex addiction is not simply having a high sex drive. Sex becomes compulsive, and the addiction causes people to do things they normally wouldn’t such as engage in prostitution or cheat on their spouse. Sex addiction can also include an addiction to porn and masturbation.
People addicted to sex use it as a coping mechanism for depression and anxiety or to cope with negative emotions. The neurological response to sex is a surge of the feel-good brain chemicals dopamine and endorphin. People become addicted to these chemical surges. This is similar to how drug and alcohol addictions develop. People addicted to sex do not find it to be a positive or satisfying experience but merely a way to satisfy an overwhelming craving.

Causes of Sex Addiction

Sex addiction can stem from a variety of causes and often coincides with mental health issues, eating disorders or substance abuse. Many sex addicts suffered from sexual abuse or sexual assault in the past and used masturbation or intercourse as a way to avoid negative feelings about the abuse. People addicted to sex disregard qualities of a normal healthy sex life such as emotional trust, boundaries and intimacy.

Get Help for Sex Addiction or Substance Abuse

If you think you may be suffering from sex addiction, call us now. We can answer your questions about sex addiction and co-occurring drug issues or mental health concerns and help you find treatment that is right for you. Call our toll-free helpline now, as our counselors are here for you 24 hours a day.

What Is the Difference between Sex Addiction and Enjoying Sex?

 The act of sex to perpetuate the human race is an indirect survival action. As such, it awakens the pleasure receptors in the brain and is recognized as an enjoyable activity. As one becomes closer to his chosen partner and has sex with the same person many times over a long period, his brain conforms to that reward pathway and becomes habit-forming without being a true addiction. However, sex may become literally addictive. One who fears that he enjoys sex too much may begin to ask himself if he is indeed addicted to it.

Recognizing Sexual Addiction

Sexual addiction may be defined by the following qualifiers:

1. Feeling compelled to have sex, think about sex or otherwise arouse one’s sex drive to an excessive and/or immoral degree
2. Increasingly craving sex beyond the point satisfaction and toward compulsive habit
3. Continuing to pursue sex despite the detrimental effect to your personal welfare, loved ones and partner(s)
4. Being unable to form or maintain an emotional bond with a single partner, but changing frequently in pursuit of a never-realized ideal partner
5. Experiencing escalation as the thrill of previous experiences no longer meets your desires
6. Seeing a current partner as a disposable object that fulfill your needs rather than someone of equal value in a relationship
7. Feeling guilty about an obsession with sex but being unable to stop

Sexual addiction is exacerbated by alcohol and drug use, so consider your drug use as you weigh the likelihood of sex addiction.

Who Is Likely to Be a Sex Addict?

Someone who was neglected or belittled in her childhood may feel unworthy of true affection or unable to contribute to a committed monogamous relationship. This means she may seek compulsive sex instead to fulfill her emotional needs, which may make her only feel worse after every episode. Sexual addiction is likely to occur in a personality already prone toward addiction, characterized by abysmal self-esteem, mental disorders and negative mindsets. These patients will embrace anything that temporarily numbs the pain, which sex can do.

Sex Addiction vs. Healthy Sex

Sexual addiction and a strong sex drive are often confused, whether jokingly or in earnest, but the difference is the amount of guilt, self-harm and inability to stop despite repercussions. Sex addicts are usually unable to bond emotionally with their partners or enjoy any kind of committed long-term relationship, while those who simply enjoy sex can appreciate both benefits. In fact, enjoyment of sex is a great asset in a relationship, but it simply needs to be kept in proportion with the rest of life’s necessities.

Professional Help for Sexual Addiction

If you fear that you or a loved one suffers from sexual addiction, there are recovery programs available that we can connect you with. Please call our toll-free, 24 hour helpline and let one of our counselors discuss recovery options with you. There is hope, so don’t give up. Call us today and start getting help.