The Winter Retreat

It should have been a journey filled with anticipation and excitement, finally I was taking the retreat that I’d dreamed of for years, a whole week to myself in a winter wonderland of the Peak District with only my muse and my imagination to keep me company. Paradise.
Well, that was the dream, anyway. The reality was unfolding a little differently. Instead of driving along with a grin on my face, marvelling at the beautiful countryside and singing at the top of my voice like a scene out of a cheesy chick flick, I was seething with anger and cursing everyone and everything under the sun, from my best friend Jenny who’d clearly suggested the most ludicrous place possible for my perfect week away, to my Sat Nav which apparently had gone on strike as soon as we ventured more than 20 miles from London, because an hour after I was scheduled to arrive at my little cabin in the hills, I was still driving aimlessly along ridiculously narrow and windy roads, my car low on petrol, my stomach growling with hunger, utterly and hopelessly lost.


It should have been a journey filled with anticipation and excitement, finally I was taking the retreat that I’d dreamed of for years, a whole week to myself in a winter wonderland of the Peak District with only my muse and my imagination to keep me company. Paradise.
Well, that was the dream, anyway. The reality was unfolding a little differently. Instead of driving along with a grin on my face, marvelling at the beautiful countryside and singing at the top of my voice like a scene out of a cheesy chick flick, I was seething with anger and cursing everyone and everything under the sun, from my best friend Jenny who’d clearly suggested the most ludicrous place possible for my perfect week away, to my Sat Nav which apparently had gone on strike as soon as we ventured more than 20 miles from London, because an hour after I was scheduled to arrive at my little cabin in the hills, I was still driving aimlessly along ridiculously narrow and windy roads, my car low on petrol, my stomach growling with hunger, utterly and hopelessly lost.
Maybe I’d been so busy seething that I’d missed a turn, or maybe the villages around here were too small for my stupid Sat Nav to even recognise them as villages at all. I didn’t know what had gone wrong, but I did know that I’d taken so many turns and backtracked so many times it was entirely possible that I was in the wrong county by now, and at nearly 4pm, darkness was descending on this winter afternoon, which only added to my mounting frustration.
Of course, the real source of my anger was 200 miles behind me in London, probably enjoying his new found freedom.
There’s just no spark… my mind betrayed me again and replayed a snippet of our conversation, causing my eyes to well up with tears again. I banged my hands down on my steering wheel and tried to push the thought away, as I had every time he’d crept into my mind. I couldn’t think about what he’d said, it was too painful. I knew he didn’t mean it anyway, so his words were unimportant – just a lie, a defence mechanism. He was probably just scared, I reasoned. Maybe I’d been moving too fast. A week away would do us both good, he’d miss me and realise what a mistake he’d made, and when I returned I would convince him to take me back for sure. In the meantime, I could not let it ruin my retreat.
I’d been dreaming of this week for years now, my little fantasy, but something had always stopped me from actually doing it. Maybe an inner fear about stepping into the unknown, going for my dreams, who knows, but with Greg’s encouragement, I’d finally gone ahead and booked myself a week alone in the country. A writing retreat. I smiled briefly as I said the words to myself. Every day at work for the past three years as I wrote more boring celeb gossip columns for the magazine, I’d promised myself that one day I would go on a writing retreat away from all the distractions and demands of everyday life and finally finish my novel. Then my dream life could truly begin.
Ha, what a joke. Now I had to wonder about the real intention behind Greg’s persistence in encouraging me to go away.
You’ll have more space and inspiration to follow your dreams babe, he’d said, and I’d truly thought he really cared about me, about my passions. Now I suspected he’d just been trying to get rid of me.
You’re so clingy. Was I? Was I that bad?
“Arrghhh,” I let out a yell of frustration. Why couldn’t I let it go? I’d only been dating the guy for a few months, as Jenny had pointed out during our tearful conversation earlier. Well, tearful on my part, Jenny had been surprisingly unsurprised by Greg’s revelations. Apparently she’d been able to tell from the beginning that he wasn’t that into me, that he wasn’t playing for keeps, 
to be continued....

The day had come. I'd lasted as long as I could in my marriage. Once my husband, Bill, left for work, I packed a bag for myself and our 14-month-old son and left our home. It was the only year in our married life when we lived in the same town as my parents. Obviously the convenience of being able to run to Mom and Dad made my decision to leave Bill easier.

With a tear-stained, angry face, I walked into Mom's kitchen. She held the baby while I sobbed my declaration of independence. A washcloth and cup of coffee later, Mom told me she and Dad would help me. I was comforted to know they'd be there for me.

"But before you leave Bill," she said, "I have one task for you to complete."

Mom put down my sleeping son, took a sheet of paper and pen, and drew a vertical line down the middle of the page. She told me to list in the left column all the things Bill did that made him impossible to live with. As I looked at the dividing line, I thought she'd then tell me to list all his good qualities on the right hand side. I was determined to have a longer list of bad qualities on the left. This is going to be easy, I thought. My pen started immediately to scribble down the left column.

Bill never picked his clothes off the floor. He never told me when he was going outside. He slept in church. He had embarrassing, nasty habits such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table. He never bought me nice presents. He refused to match his clothes. He was tight with money. He wouldn't help with the housework. He didn't talk with me.

The list went on and on until I'd filled the page. I certainly had more than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with this man.

Smugly I said, "Now I guess you're going to ask me to list all Bill's good qualities on the right side."

"No," she said. "I already know Bill's good qualities. Instead, for each item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you do?"

This was even tougher than listing his good qualities. I'd been thinking about Bill's few, good qualities I could list. I hadn't considered thinking about myself. I knew Mom wasn't going to let me get by without completing her assignment. So I had to start writing.

I'd pout, cry, and get angry. I'd be embarrassed to be with him. I'd act like a "martyr." I'd wish I'd married someone else. I'd give him the silent treatment. I'd feel I was too good for him. The list seemed endless.

When I reached the bottom of the page, Mom picked up the paper and went to the drawer. She took scissors and cut the paper down the vertical line. Taking the left column, she wadded it in her hand and tossed it into the trash. Then she handed me the right column.

"Becky," she said, "take this list back to your house. Spend today reflecting on these things in your life. Pray about them. I'll keep the baby until this afternoon. If you sincerely do what I ask and still want to leave Bill, Dad and I will do all we can to assist you."

Facing facts

Leaving my luggage and son, I drove back to my house. When I sat on my couch with the piece of paper, I couldn't believe what I was facing. Without the balancing catalogue of Bill's annoying habits, the list looked horrifying.

I saw a record of petty behaviors, shameful practices, and destructive responses. I spent the next several hours asking God for forgiveness. I requested strength, guidance, and wisdom in the changes I needed to make. As I continued to pray, I realized how ridiculously I'd behaved. I could barely remember the transgressions I'd written for Bill. How absurd could I be? There was nothing immoral or horrible on that list. I'd honestly been blessed with a good man—not a perfect one, but a good one.

I thought back five years. I'd made a vow to Bill. I would love and honor him in sickness and health. I'd be with him for better or for worse. I said those words in the presence of God, my family, and friends. Yet only this morning, I'd been ready to leave him for trivial annoyances.

I jumped back in the car and drove to my parents' house. I marveled at how different I felt from when I'd first made the trip to see Mom. I now felt peace, relief, and gratitude.

When I picked up my son, I was dismayed by how willing I'd been to make such a drastic change in his life. My pettiness almost cost him the opportunity to be exposed daily to a wonderful father. Quickly, I thanked my mother and flew out the door to return home. By the time Bill returned from work, I was unpacked and waiting.

A new outlook

I'd love to say that Bill changed. He didn't. He still did all those things that embarrassed and annoyed me, and made me want to explode.

The difference came in me. From that day forward, I had to be responsible not only for my actions in our marriage, but also for my reactions.

12 Points For Wives To Note

1. The wife that wins all arguments with her
husband is not wise. The home is not a law
court.
2. The wife that uses sex as a weapon in the
home - placing embargo, going to bed in jeans
shorts and trousers - lacks wisdom.
3. The wife that uses the modern trends and
laws of "women's rights" to insult or ridicule
her husband simply makes a fool of herself.
4. A woman that makes her home devoid of
peace through bickering, nagging and quarrels
needs help. A man should be eager to run away
from office to be at home, for that should be
the safest and coziest place on earth for him.
5. Modern-day equality in marriage does not
mean competition. It simply means partnership.
Taking advantage of such equality to turn
around and become the de facto head of the
home and oppress the man is tantamount to
playing with fire. If you destroy your home, soon
you will be the boss of an empty home.
6. A wise wife makes the man feel so good that
he assumes that he is the head. Once he gets
that feeling, the woman gently wields her power
and the head actually turns to wherever the
neck wants without a protest.
7. A wife that does not pull herself away from
friends' influence and advice or even from the
control of her mother and father will have
herself to blame.
8. When a man is looking for a wife, he
bypasses women of different shapes and sizes
to choose a wife. But soon after childbirth,
many women hide under the excuse of
childbirth to let go of themselves.
Many stop bothering about their looks, shape,
dressing, etc. Within 5 years of marriage, people
start wondering if the wife is the man's aunt,
even though she is 7 years younger.

Renewing Affections between Husband and Wife Paul J. Bucknell

How do you recover lost affections for your loved one?

Many things can hurt a marriage, but here we want to focus recovering the lack or loss of affection. This loss of affection for the other partner can lessen love, intimacy and lead to marriage erosion. Perhaps you yourself have faced this problem in your own marriage. We need to learn how to properly deal with this problem.

Husbands and wives are designed differently and react differently to this problem. We later will look at this problem from both the husband and wife's perspective, but first let's deal with some common issues.

Vision of Unity
A couple will always feel uncomfortable dealing with problems if there is not an agreed upon common goal. The goal helps the couple realize they are not competing but running together and need each other's help. God has given us the life vision of oneness or intimacy. We are declared one but now must work it through so that it is true of our lives together.

For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31).

Paul calls this oneness a great mystery in Ephesians 5:32. This teaching has great implications in our marriage goals as well as how we as husbands or wives use our bodies for the benefit of the other. Can you not agree with your spouse that your common marriage goal is to grow toward deepening intimacy? You will serve the Lord and each other to obtain that goal even when your affection for each other is dwindling.

Marriage is not based on feelings but on covenant.

The Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings but commitment. This is critical in any discussions about the lack of feelings for each other. Because the couple is married, divorce is not an option. They are one. Once one, they cannot be made two except by death. The wedding might be dependent upon feelings but not the marriage. The marriage is an oath made before God and man and must go on.

We all need to remember that marriage is different from other relationships because it is built on covenant rather than preference. We must not question the validity of our marriages. This is the foundation upon which we deal with all the fuzzy feelings and difficult circumstances we find ourselves in.

This does not mean that we just tolerate a distance between each other. Who wants a stale marriage?! The couple has a greater goal of deepening intimacy. This is just one more area that needs to be worked through. If the feelings are not honestly dealt with, then the intimacy will suffer as frustration and misunderstandings grow. Marriages can always be renewed by God's grace because one is building upon the truth that they are one even if there are other differences. Fears and Honesty (More on material on fears can be found on Overcoming Anxiety: Finding Peace, Discovering God)
Fear holds many couples from being honest with each other. While they are being caught in silence, their marriages disintegrate before their eyes. When one begins to lack affection for his or her spouse, he or she begins to fear that their marriage is falling apart too. They have heard lots of such stories. The evil one instigates all sorts of anxieties and fears here. But this is simply not true. Marriages are not based on our fears or feelings but on our promises. As one questions his own feelings, they also begin to fear what his or her partner might say. But no matter what, darkness proceeds in the darkness. We need to bring the truth to light (Ephesians 5:7-11). We need to value our marriages enough that we will take those brave steps to cause our marriages to grow. Allowing our fears to grow just make things much worse. Fears cause distorted judgments. In order to throw off fear, we might address our partner positively, "I want our marriage to grow closer. Will you pray for me during this difficult time." As your spouse asks what the problem is, then share the problem along with your hope for deeper intimacy.

"And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11)

Feelings Awry
Heart affections are closely meshed with our feelings. Other physical and circumstantial situations affect these feelings such as emotional traumas like death in the family or simple fatigue. We should not gauge the validity or depth of our relationship on our feelings. This is more difficult for the wives whose feelings are more deeply integrated with her whole person. Their special integrated design can lead to belief that feelings are the same thing as reality. Her subjectiveness can lead her to wrong conclusions. Men, too, can also be affected by feelings. Fears and anxieties play havoc on all who entertain them! Our feelings about our marriage does not make it true. Our marriages are established by covenant.

Fantasy Partners and Adultery
One of the major times couples face lost affection for their partners occurs when a partner has started putting their affections on another person. A spirit of rejection sets in which leads to further distance and loss of hope. An honest and calm discussion about whether ones heart is cast upon another is needed. Adultery is a potential problem for both husbands and wives. The more the wife works outside the home, the more this becomes a possibility. But neighbors too can be a potential site. Men have problems where they regularly meet women.

10 reasons why all gay marriage should be banned

1. 1) Being gay is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like glasses, polyester and air conditioning.
   
   2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
   
   3) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets or toasters because a dog or electronic device has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
   
   4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
   
   5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ and Sinead O'Connor would be destroyed.
   
   6) The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
   
   7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
   
   Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in Ireland.
   
   9) Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
   
   10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
3. 13th April 2013, 03:16 PM #2
   R3volution_R3ady

   

   Join Date

   Sep 2012

   Posts

   1,412

   Gay marriage should be legal. No if's or but's...
   
   Why do you care what other people do?!
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
4. 13th April 2013, 03:17 PM #3
   Moneygod

   Join Date

   Feb 2013

   Posts

   345

   Originally Posted by johndodger

   1) Being gay is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like glasses, polyester and air conditioning.
   
   2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
   
   3) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets or toasters because a dog or electronic device has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
   
   4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
   
   5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ and Sinead O'Connor would be destroyed.
   
   6) The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
   
   7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
   
   Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in Ireland.
   
   9) Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
   
   10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.

   
   Its a bit early in the day for this kind of shyte..
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
5. 13th April 2013, 03:17 PM #4
   Easilydistracted

   

   Join Date

   Sep 2010

   Posts

   617

   Originally Posted by R3volution_R3ady

   Gay marriage should be legal. No if's or but's...
   
   Why do you care what other people do?!

   read it again
   Sign in or Register Now to reply
6. 13th April 2013, 03:19 PM #5
   Bill

   Join Date

   Feb 2009

   Posts

   3,669

   Originally Posted by johndodger

   1) Being gay is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like glasses, polyester and air conditioning.
   
   2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
   
   3) Legalising gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets or toasters because a dog or electronic device has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
   
   4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great country was founded; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
   
   5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ and Sinead O'Connor would be destroyed.
   
   6) The only valid marriages are those which produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
   
   7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
   
   Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in Ireland.
   
   9) Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
   
   10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy or longer life spans.

Wives Respect Your Husbands

Part One
Yes, the Bible says that. Our wife is commanded by God, the Creator of marriage, to respect us. As Pharaoh (Yul Brenner) said in the classic movie The Ten Commandments – “so let it be written, so let it be done”.

Our response to this command to our wives can take one of two directions:

1. God said it, so woman you need to do it. It should not matter how I live my life, how I treat you, respond to you, provide for you or protect you – you are just supposed to respect me. I am the man of the house, and that is just how things are going to be around here.


or,


2. God said it, so I need to live my life in such a way as to warrant her respect and admiration. I need to make it as easy as possible for her to obey the commandment.

I have known many men on each side of this fence. Some who seemingly don’t give a care about living an honorable/respectable lifestyle – yet, desire/expect/demand that their “little woman” love and respect them, and provide for their physical and emotional needs – without any complaining, whining or nagging. “So let it be written – so let it be done”.


While the previously mentioned “men” completely take God’s command out of context and use it for their own gratification – the other men I know (and try to be myself) are fully aware of the reciprocal command to husbands to “love your wife – as Christ loved the church (His bride) and gave himself up for her” in Ephesians 5.


We are commanded by God to love our wife, and give our life up on her behalf, irregardless of her response or obedience to her own command. Christ’s love for His bride did not (and does not) require/demand any action, reaction or response from her. He loved her anyway. He gave his very life for her. He voluntarily laid down his agenda, his rights, his life – in order that she might live life to the fullest.


Since God created marriage, He knows better than anyone that a wife will more naturally and willingly respect a husband who is laying down his life, in love, for her. The marriage cycle God created was “Husband loves wife unconditionally – Wife responds with love and respect for husband – Husband responds with love for wife”.
www.marriagefamilyalive.gnbo.com.ng

Since husbands are commanded to “love our wives and give ourselves up for them” – we cannot afford to sit back, point fingers and demand respect without first taking the initiative to obey God and do what He says. He says we (husbands) are the “head” of the home, and are responsible for initiating and maintaining His marriage cycle.


How do you do that? What can I do to earn her respect?
Making progress daily.

By Rob Thorpe, Used with permission. Read more from Rob at, square1ministries.com

4 Strategies to Cope with Anger in A Healthy Way

Adapted from “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)
Our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown. People are restless, volatile, our tempers about to blow. Recently, a riveting Newsweek cover story, “Rage Goes Viral” described how from Tunisia to Egypt a wave of rage is rocking the world to create revolutions. Then there are the talk radio ranters, coongressional incivility, and domestic terrorists such as the Arizona shooter. Rage is also prevalent in our daily lives: There’s road rage, office rage, supermarket rage, and even surfer’s rage. Why is rage so rampant? What is the solution?
In my book, “Emotional Freedom” I explore the differences between “good” and “bad” anger. Anger can be a healthy reaction to injustice such as cultures fighting to free themselves from repressive regimes. Anger rallies people. It creates energy and motivation to rebel against dysfunctional political or social systems. It also motivates groups to go on strike say, for higher, well-deserved wages or to defend human rights. On a personal level, anger can be good if it’s expressed in a focused, healthy way rather than using it as a weapon to punish or hurt others.
Your Body’s Reaction To Anger As a psychiatrist, I know that anger is intensely physical and can come from a primal place. Let’s say a colleague double-crosses you in a business deal. You feel angry. Your amygdala (the emotional center in the brain) stimulates adrenaline. You get an energy rush that rallies you to fight. Blood flows to your hands, making it easier to grasp a weapon. Your heart pumps faster. You breathe harder. Pupils dilate. You sweat. In this hyperadrenalized state, aggression mounts. You may raise your voice, point accusingly, stare him down, grimace, flail your arms around, verbally intimidate, barge into his personal space. Taken to an extreme, you could literally be driven to knock him out or beat him up. In a pure survival-oriented sense, you want to dominate and retaliate to protect yourself and prevent further exploitation. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control because of its evolutionary value in defending against danger.
What factors make us susceptible to anger? One is an accumulation of built-up stresses. That’s why your temper can flare more easily after a frustrating day. The second is letting anger and resentments smolder. When anger becomes chronic, cortisol, the stress hormone, contributes to its slow burn. Remaining in this condition makes you edgy, quick to snap. Research has proven that anger feeds on itself. The effect is cumulative: each angry episode builds on the hormonal momentum of the time before. For example, even the most devoted, loving mothers may be horrified to find themselves screaming at their kids if they haven’t learned to constructively diffuse a backlog of irritations. Therefore, the powerful lesson our biology teaches us is the necessity of breaking the hostility cycle early on, and that brooding on the past is hazardous to your well-being.
For optimal health, you must address your anger. But the point isn’t to keep blowing up when you’re upset rather--it’s to develop strategies to express anger that are body-friendly. Otherwise, you’ll be set up for illnesses such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic pain, which can be exacerbated by tension. Or you’ll keep jacking up your blood pressure and constricting your blood vessels, which compromises flow to the heart. A Johns Hopkins study reports that young men who habitually react to stress with anger are more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of heart disease. Further, other studies have shown that hostile couples who hurl insults and roll their eyes when arguing physically heal more slowly than less antagonistic partners who have a “we’re in this together” attitude.
Still, repressing anger isn’t the answer either. Research also reveals that those who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease or suffering stress-related ailments than those who speak their minds.
Here are some strategies from “Emotional Freedom” to productively cope with anger in daily life.

4 Tips To Diffuse Anger

1. When you’re upset, pause, and slowly count to ten.
To offset the adrenaline surge of anger, train yourself not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and VERY slowly, silently, count to ten (or to fifty if necessary). Use the lull of these moments to regroup before you decide what to do so you don’t say something you regret
2. Take a cooling-off period.
To further quiet your neurotransmitters, take an extended time-out, hours or even longer. When you’re steaming retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level. Reduce external stimulation. Dim the lights. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do some aerobic exercise or yoga to expel anger from your system.
3. Don’t address anger when you’re rushed.
Make sure you have adequate time to identify what’s made you angry. A Princeton study found that even after theology students heard a lecture on the Good Samaritan, they still didn’t stop to help a distressed person on the street when they thought they’d be late for their next class. Thus, allotting unhurried time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into your most compassionate response.
4. Don’t try to address your anger when you’re tired or before sleep.
Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. The mind grinds. Better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down. Also being well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation, allows you to stay balanced.
The goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you can mindfully respond rather than simply react. You’ll have the lucidity to be solution oriented and therefore empower how you relate to others. www.marriagefamilyalive.gnbo.com.ng

Tips on Fixing a Broken Relationship

marriage and family

Relationships are so delicate and can break on minor issues and simple misunderstandings. Once broken, it is a die-hard task to mend the relationship and get back the same intensity of affection in the relationship. There can be visible reasons, may be a misunderstanding or communication gap, at times it can be a mistake of someone else; fragile relationships can break over any simple cause. The cause for the easy breaks in relationships is that relationships are mind products, subjective to each person.
Many relationships are not the union of best possible matches but best available pairs, or when people misconceive the partner so. Relationships start blindly by peripheral understandings and attraction; it proceeds through adjustments, forgiveness and understanding; and breakup over misunderstandings, mistakes or lack of tolerance. Getting back into the relationship, though difficult, is possible if approached the issues with the right understanding and mind to change and mend.

Understand the Reasons Behind Breakup

To resolve any issue, understanding the reasons is important. Without knowing the root cause, relationship issues cannot be repaired. It can be a past reason which is now absent or a still persisting reason. Analyze each stages of the relationship and find out at which point what has gone wrong. Once the reasons of the break up are realized, the solution may be easy. Figuring out the element that lead to the breakup helps the partners to change it and get back into the relationship. Experts say that the process of figuring out the reasons of breakup can be much effective if made mutual.

Forgiving is Magical

Once the issues are dug out, the next step is to forgive the mistakes of both the partners. If you still hold on to the mistake committed by the partner, then it may cause another breakup in the future. Understand why the partner committed such a mistake and forgive him/her forever if you wish to take the relationship a long way further. Your forgiveness may initiate a new life and new relationship between you two. If the mistake is found to have committed by you, then be ready to change entirely to not to repeat the action and let your partner to go away forever, leaving no chance of a reunion.

Renew the Commitment

Once you are back in track, renew the commitment and let your partner know the new resolutions and decisions. Once you commit to be good to your partner and also to avoid mistakes, then adhere to the commitments. Many partners get into commitments and they forget them easily. Consistency of commitments is very much required to keep the warmth of relationships ever remaining. It is rightly said that you can never change the past; but possibly the future. Realize the past mistakes and commit to not repeat them in the future.

Change Yourself

You may not be able to change the partner as you desire; but you can very well change yourself. Changing yourself is the better way of resolving the issues and renewing the problems. The changes may make you appear more appealing and accepted by the partner. You can also try to implement certain changes in the partner but if the person is willing, then the only way is to change yourself to comply with the partner. Changing oneself doesn't mean being submissive to the partner, but following a better way to be in a more satisfying relationship.

Communication is the Keystone

Most of the issues in relationships can be resolved with right communication with the partner. It is commonly observed that slight misunderstanding or ignorable mistakes are many a times the cause for several breakups. Approach the issues in a relationship, positively and try to make each partners understand the real situation. Communication means conveying the facts and truth and also offering support, help and forgiveness each other. Talk with a mind of acceptance. Do not try to defend or resist the arguments of the partner and accuse each other for all the mistakes. Let the communication be creative, rather critical.

Tips to Bring Back Love & Romance into Your Life

Any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise; needs a touch or two of rejuvenation for its sustenance and survival. The urgently appealing call for revitalization which is one of the key pre conditions to the longevity of relationship based on romance and mutual trust; can be ensured through careful and effective planning.

Romance Rejuvenation Tips - Improve Love & Romance in Life

Just as automated mechanisms and equipments call for oiling and servicing; similar is called for from the points of view of sustainability of human relationships. This is particularly true of romantic relationship which requires cautioned and delicate handling.

• Trips short or long serve to energize and refresh romance by doing away with long standing boredom or monotony. Mundane mediocrities of life giving way to boredom can be easily got over with the occasional planning of trips and stopover. As it is, the core value of properly planned trips and vacations exceeds the worth of any sum of accumulated possession or wealth
• It can either be a short stop over to a site away from home or a properly planned vacation to a chosen tourist destination.
• Sudden and surprise gifts extended to your beloved, partner or husband can also count amongst the romance rejuvenating tips. Gifting may not be treated as an occasion bound phenomena and when gifts transcend the limits of special occasions or events; they definitely add to the thrill of romance.
• Planning of an act or entertainment particularly longed for by your beloved may also turn out to be an effective romance rejuvenating tip. In case he happens to be one of those ardent foodies, tossing up the dish of his choice can come as an interesting relief making way for rejuvenation.
  Similarly planning a trip to his favored holiday resort or for that matter arranging for combined viewing of a flick portraying his chosen matinee idol can turn out to be a delightful idea.
• To break the commonplace spells of boredom or monotony, add a personal touch to romance to show your caring concern for your beloved. Do something out of ordinary like planning a candle light dinner within the precincts of your house to enliven the dying embers of romance and passion.
• In case he is emotionally attached to a friend or relation; surprise invitation extended to him/her can add a touch of glow to your beloved's life; thereby indirectly serving to add to the meaningfulness of your emotional bond.
• Occasional planning of outdoor picnics together with friends or joint viewing of football or rugby match for your sports freak beloved are some of the ways whereby you can keep the glow of romance alive and burning.
• Suddenly surprising decision to bring in a new look to your bedroom by bringing about a change in its drapery, lighting and setting can go a long way in invigorating the physical as well as the emotional aspects of romance.
• Having his/hers study beautified with a placard displaying ten or so reasons why you love him/her more than anybody else may significantly brighten up your partner's day by adding to the thrill of romance.
• Try spicing up your love life by indulging in a game or two with your partner. It need not be an outdoor game always. Going for some of the simple board games like scrabble, darts and puzzles may prove to be interesting options from the viewpoint of romance and thrill.
• Occasional break from the mechanized bounds of professional activities for spending a day in each other's company can be another option serving to spruce up the dying romance. You may even have your kids packed off to your parents' or in laws place in order to relax and revel in the cozy togetherness.

It should be borne in mind that healthy sustenance of love or romance depends a lot on reciprocated sharing and caring. Try to be innovatively demonstrative in your show of love and affection in order to keep it glowing and long lasting.www.marriagefamilyalive.gnbo.com.ng

The Seed of Divorce

We're sure you've heard stories about married couples who wake up one morning and suddenly decide they just don't want to be married any more. Or couples who claim they had absolutely no clue their partner was unhappy.

We say that's likely not true. Divorce is not an overnight decision. Much like those weeds that grew in your flower garden; while it seems they just appeared overnight, they didn't. Those weeds were germinating beneath the dirt long before you saw them. You only began to give attention to the weeds when they became too large to remain beneath the soil. And so it is with marriage; the issues were always beneath the surface but were never dealt with.

Your marriage is just like a flower garden. Only in this case, the seeds have the potential of growing into something much more destructive. That's why you and your spouse must tend the garden of your marriage on a daily basis in order to prevent divorce.

How do you tend your marriage garden? Good question. First, you must be willing to expose all issues; remember, we said the first step to transformation is transparency. In other words, you can't deal with an issue if you're not willing to expose it. Exposing the issue means being honest with your mate about how their behavior hurt or offended you. It also includes being honest with yourself about your role in your marital problems.

Next, you must always be willing to forgive. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and the word of God tells us to rid ourselves of all bitterness, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior" Ephesians 4:31. Not only that, according to Christ we must forgive because He extended forgiveness to us. "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others" Colossians 3:13.

But I can't forgive, you say. God says you must forgive, it's not an option. Well, what happens if I don't forgive them, you ask? In that case, God won't forgive you. "But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins", Matthew 6:15.

Understand, forgiveness is a choice and a process. It does not mean you forget, nor does it mean you condone the offender's behavior.

The first two steps of tending your marriage garden, exposing and forgiving, are equivalent to digging out the weeds in your garden. But now what do you do? You plant something else where that weed once was. But this time, plant a seed that will produce a harvest of blessings.

M J Collins and Wanda Collins,
Nehemiah Family Ministries

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1972125

12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child

Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I’ve never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.
1. Point them to Christ.
Your rebellious child’s real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don’t see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them—and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions—is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.
2. Pray.
Only God can save your son or daughter, so keep on asking that he will display himself to them in a way they can’t resist worshiping him for.
3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.
If your daughter rejects Jesus, don’t pretend everything is fine.
For every unbelieving child, the details will be different. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. If your child is an unbeliever, don’t ignore it. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won’t be.
4. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like.
If your son is not a Christian, he’s not going to act like one.
You know that he has forsaken the faith, so don’t expect him to live by the standards you raised him with. For example, you might be tempted to say, “I know you’re struggling with believing in Jesus, but can’t you at least admit that getting wasted every day is sin?”
If he’s struggling to believe in Jesus, then there is very little significance in admitting that drunkenness is wrong. You want to protect him, yes. But his unbelief is the most dangerous problem—not partying. No matter how your child’s unbelief exemplifies itself in his behavior, always be sure to focus more on the heart’s sickness than its symptoms.
5. Welcome them home.
Because the deepest concern is not your child’s actions, but his heart, don’t create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, it is God giving you a chance to love him back to Jesus. Obviously there are some instances in which parents must give ultimatums: “Don’t come to this house if you are...” But these will be rare. Don’t lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by too many rules.
If your daughter smells like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she’s pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her twenty-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you’ve been forgiven, don’t give him any more money, and let him come home. If he hasn’t been around for a week and a half because he’s been staying at his girlfriend’s—or boyfriend’s—apartment, plead with him not to go back, and let him come home.
6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.
Be gentle in your disappointment.
What really concerns you is that your child is destroying herself, not that she’s breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows—especially if she was raised as a Christian—that what she’s doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is. So she doesn’t need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.
Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Parents ought to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that they want their child to return to.
7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.
There are two kinds of access that you may not have to your child: geographical and relational. If your wayward son lives far away, try to find a solid believer in his area and ask him to contact your son. This may seem nosy or stupid or embarrassing to him, but it’s worth it—especially if the believer you find can also relate to your son emotionally in a way you can’t.
Relational distance will also be a side effect of your child leaving the faith, so your relationship will be tenuous and should be protected if at all possible. But hard rebuke is still necessary.
This is where another believer who has emotional access to your son may be very helpful. If there is a believer who your son trusts and perhaps even enjoys being around, then that believer has a platform to tell your son—in a way he may actually pay attention to—that he’s being an idiot. This may sound harsh, but it’s a news flash we all need from time to time, and people we trust are usually the only ones who can package a painful rebuke so that it is a gift to us.
A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they’re being fools—and it is rare that this can helpfully be pointed out by their parents—so try to keep other Christians in your kids lives.
8. Respect their friends.
Honor your wayward child in the same way you’d honor any other unbeliever. They may run with crowds you’d never consider talking to or even looking at, but they are your child’s friends. Respect that—even if the relationship is founded on sin. They’re bad for your son, yes. But he’s bad for them, too. Nothing will be solved by making it perfectly evident that you don’t like who he’s hanging around with.
When your son shows up for a family birthday celebration with another girlfriend—one you’ve never seen before and probably won’t see again—be hospitable. She’s also someone’s wayward child, and she needs Jesus, too.
9. Email them.
Praise God for technology that lets you stay in your kids’ lives so easily!
When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation for them is positive examples of Christ’s joy in your own life.
Don’t stress out when you’re composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out one after another, and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child’s inbox. God’s word is never proclaimed in vain.
10. Take them to lunch.
If possible, don’t let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it’s far worse to be in the child’s shoes—he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.
It will feel almost hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but try to anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, pray that the Lord will give you the gumption to ask about his soul. You don’t know how he’ll respond. Will he roll his eyes like you’re an idiot? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don’t know until you risk asking.
(Here’s a note to parents of younger children: Set up regular times to go out to eat with your kids. Not only will this be valuable for its own sake, but also, if they ever enter a season of rebellion, the tradition of meeting with them will already be in place and it won’t feel weird to ask them out to lunch. If a son has been eating out on Saturdays with his dad since he was a tot, it will be much harder for him later in life to say no to his father’s invitation—even as a surly nineteen-year-old.)
11. Take an interest in their pursuits.
Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will probably disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was ten; what can you do now that she’s twenty to show that you still really care about her interests?
Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he wasn’t even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to that dank little nightclub where your daughter’s CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus’ glory instead her own.
12. Point them to Christ.
This can’t be over-stressed. It is the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn’t to help them know Jesus.
Jesus.
It’s not so that they will be good kids again; it’s not so that they’ll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it’s not so that they’ll like classical music instead of deathcore; it’s not so that you can stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study; it’s not so that they’ll vote conservative again by the next election; it’s not even so that you can sleep at night, knowing they’re not going to hell. The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, email them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Christ.
And not only is he the only point—he’s the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He will replace the pathetic vanity of the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only his grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to himself—captive, but satisfied.
He will do this for many. Be faithful and don’t give up