Love and Money: How love can last through these troubled economic times.

By Julienne B. Derichs LCPC

Turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog and you’ll get bombarded with messages about something that you may already know: we are in an economic slump. The relationship between love and money is challenging during the best of times. With rising unemployment, unmanageable debt, and no new credit to speak of, it is understandable to question whether or not love can survive through these troubled economic times.

Most couples imagine that if they made more money, their money troubles would go away. They do not. The problems often become more expensive. So even if you and your partner make loads of money, why is it that you can still have so many conflicts around money? Let’s take a look.

I love you...I hate you...Your always there...You’re never around...

What is your relationship with money? Is money a kind friend or something that you only think about when it’s time to pay the bills?  Picture the family you grew up in, what did you learn about money from the way your parents or caretakers managed money?  

It is important to understand your own relationship with money. Ask yourself:

• Am I a spender or a saver?

• Do I spend more if I am bored, angry, or depressed?

• What did I learn about money when I was growing up?

• Do I think focusing on money is “self-serving” or “greedy”?

• What is the primary feeling I have when I think about money?

Compare your answers to these questions with your partner’s answers. Are they same or very different?

Not Every Dollar has the Same Value

In any healthy relationship, there is a pattern of harmony and disharmony between all the working parts, and your relationship with money is no different. Problems arise not only in your own relationship with money but also because your partner has his or her unique relationship with money that may or may not be compatible with your own.

Relationship with Money: Five key elements. 

Directing – how you manage taking care of your money as it comes in and goes out. This includes everyday emotional and intellectual choices about spending, paying bills, tracking deposits, balancing the checkbook, and keeping a budget.

Spending - how you spend your money, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. 

Earning - how you earn money. 

Saving - how much money you hold onto. 

Investing – how you get your money to make you money.

We all have attitudes about money that may hurt our ability to make wise decisions. Ask yourself:

• If there isn’t ever enough money, how do I save and invest?

• Do I manage my money, or is my spending or saving causing me to spin out of control?

• Even though I save will there ever be enough money?

• Do I tend to over spend which causes me to under save and invest?

• Do I want to make more money so that I don’t have to examine or change my relationship with money?

Why We Fight Over Money

Many fights take place not because of the amount of money spent, but because of the expectations couples have that they never really talk clearly about. Whether it's conflicting styles, or misaligned agendas, couples get rooted in their individual beliefs about money. These views make it difficult to see that their partner simply has a different history and relationship with money.

Money is just pieces of paper which can represent power, a high or low self-worth, safety, and love. Put two people together with different ideas about money, and you have an unavoidable recipe for conflict. Here are some key reasons couples fight about money:

Daily Financial Decisions: Since financial decisions have to be made almost daily, they can be a frequent source of disagreement. Let’s face it managing money can feel like a burden.

Power and Control: When it comes to money, one partner may be more focused on saving every penny while the other is focused on spending every penny. Both 

the saver and the spender often view money as a means of control and may believe that the person making or holding the most money has the last word on financial decisions. Buying into the idea that money equals power in a marriage can only cause greater conflict.

Keeping Secrets, Financial Infidelity

What information about money do you keep hidden from your partner? Many couples that I see in my practice report that they didn’t fully talk about the dept they were carrying into marriage. This means they never talked about income, debt burden, student loans, inheritance, savings and credit status. Without full and open financial disclosure couples engage in maintaining secrets in the relationship that are damaging to the glue, which is trust, that holds the relationship together. 

Hiding leads to disconnection, dis-connection leads to resentment, resentment leads to unresolved conflict. Unresolvable conflict leads to divorce.

Poor Communication

Couples are often afraid to talk about money. They fear that major changes may come; they will feel deprived, or that the conversation will erupt into a huge fight.

When fights about money come up between you and your partner, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else?” If you find yourself at an impasse over money issues, consider consulting a counselor who can help you deal with financial and communication problems. 

Navigating the Ups and Downs Ahead

Relationships are facing more and more stress during this economic slump. Many relationships are seriously hurting because it is often difficult to adjust our lifestyle as quickly as salaries are declining. The hope is that our partner will provide a safe place to fall... a place to de-stress and be soothed…especially in such 

troubling economic times. Yet sometimes that isn’t the case in our love relationships.

Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress:

The Precious Present: Focus on today, right now this moment. Future thoughts create anxiety and stress because of the unknown. Be mindful not to get caught in that trap. Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now. 

Free Date Nights: Make your relationship a priority and schedule date nights. Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another without spending any money. Embrace the frugal “less is more” lifestyle. Visit frugal living sites like Frugalliving.com on the web and see what you two come up with! 

Create a Plan Together: One of my favorite sayings is “life hands us many opportunities to act without a plan (which can be very stressful) so when you can plan...Do!” Creating financial, work, life, or stress management plans helps to create a sense of direction and lowers anxiety. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together. 

Talk to Each Other: Difficult times often cause couples to isolate themselves from one another and keep quiet for fear of rocking the boat any further. During tough times it is more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open. It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold onto one another, face the struggles together and talk. Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Take a Helping Hand: Money issues are often ongoing problems that need management and solutions. Seeking the help of a counselor before it becomes a reason for divorce is worth the effort. It just might save your relationship.

How to use sex to Keep Your Immune System

1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming

“Sexually active people take fewer sick days,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD a sexual health expert.

People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of the a certain antibody compared to students who had sex less often.

You should still do all the other things that make your immune system happy, such as:

• Eat right.
• Stay active.
• Get enough sleep.
• Keep up with your vaccinations.
• Use a condom if you don’t know both of your STD statuses.

2. Boosts Your Libido

Longing for a more lively sex life? “Having sex will make sex better and will improve your libido,” says Lauren Streicher, MD. She is an assistant clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

For women, having sex ups vaginal lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, she says, all of which make sex feel better and help you crave more of it.

3. Improves Women's Bladder Control

A strong pelvic floor is important for avoiding incontinence, something that will affect about 30% of women at some point in their lives.

Good sex is like a workout for your pelvic floor muscles. When you have an orgasm, it causes contractions in those muscles, which strengthens them.

4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure

Research suggests a link between sex and lower blood pressure, says Joseph J. Pinzone, MD. He is CEO and medical director of Amai Wellness.

“There have been many studies,” he says. “One landmark study found that sexual intercourse specifically (not masturbation) lowered systolic blood pressure.” That's the first number on your blood pressure test.

5. Counts as Exercise

“Sex is a really great form of exercise,” Pinzone says. It won’t replace the treadmill, but it counts for something.

Sex uses about five calories per minute, four more calories than watching TV. It gives you a one-two punch: It bumps up your heart rate and uses various muscles.

So get busy! You may even want to clear your schedule to make time for it on a regular basis.  “Like with exercise, consistency helps maximize the benefits,” Pinzone says.

6. Lowers Heart Attack Risk

A good sex life is good for your heart. Besides being a great way to raise your heart rate, sex helps keep your estrogen and testosterone levels in balance.

“When either one of those is low you begin to get lots of problems, like osteoporosis and even heart disease,” Pinzone says.

Having sex more often may help. During one study, men who had sex at least twice a week were half as likely to die of heart disease as men who had sex rarely.

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

(continued)

7. Lessens Pain

Before you reach for an aspirin, try for an orgasm.
“Orgasm can block pain,” says Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. It releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.
Stimulation without orgasm can also do the trick. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache,” Komisaruk says.

8. May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely

Going for the gusto may help ward off prostate cancer.
Men who ejaculated frequently (at least 21 times a month) were less likely to get prostate cancer during one study, which was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
You don’t need a partner to reap this benefit: Sexual intercourse, nocturnal emission, and masturbation were all part of the equation.
It's not clear that sex was the only reason that mattered in that study. Lots of factors affect cancer risk. But more sex won’t hurt.

9. Improves Sleep

You may nod off more quickly after sex, and for good reason.
“After orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released, which is responsible for the feelings of relaxation and sleepiness" after sex, says Sheenie Ambardar, MD. She is a psychiatrist in West Hollywood, Calif.

10. Eases Stress

Being close to your partner can soothe stress and anxiety.
Ambardar says touching and hugging can release your body's natural “feel-good hormone.” Sexual arousal releases a brain chemical that revs up your brain’s pleasure and reward system.
Sex and intimacy can boost your self-esteem and happiness, too, Ambardar says. It’s not only a prescription for a healthy life, but a happy one.

How to curb anger in marriage.

Happy new year to you all, for a very long time i was unable to blog, it was due to internet connection , i'm very sorry.Can anger in a marriage be managed more effectively? David and Vera Mace, pioneers in the Marriage Enrichment movement, have outlined a way of coping with anger feelings that surface in most every marriage relationship. The Mace's indicate that anger is a healthy, normal emotion and one that is present at different times in all marital relationships. Couples should give each other the right to be angry.
When either of the spouses feels angry feelings coming on, those angry feelings should be expressed in words, but the words should be expressed calmly and with love. Extensive nonverbal gestures need not be made, rather, the angry spouse should be able to put their feelings in words in much the same tone that they would say "I feel hungry," or "I am very hungry," or "I am very tired."
Couples who effectively manage their anger agree that anger can be expressed and acknowledged within a marriage relationship. They agree never to attack each other in anger. They share their anger, but they do not attack. Couples should agree with each other that they will not yell at one another unless there is an extreme danger. A firm non-yelling policy within the marriage will remove the need for a spouse to feel defensive or to develop any type of retaliatory anger. By expressing feelings of anger in a very calm fashion, both partners in a relationship are able to find out how and why the anger is present in their marriage.
The Mace's have developed an acronym to help couples remember a better way of solving anger. The acronym they have selected is AREA. The A stands for Admitting your anger to your spouse; R stands for the desire to Restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling your spouse; the E stands for Explaining in a very calm fashion why you are angry; the A stands for Action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger.
Generally, if anger is handled in the above fashion and a calm approach is taken to identify the cause and what can be about the anger, couples usually find that the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or deeds, or that the anger was based on one partner being pushed beyond a level of tolerance, all of which are quite easily solved when approached in a very calm fashion.

Relationship Therapy: Rock the Boat?

by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Most of us prefer to avoid conversations that have the potential to disturb the peace of our relationships. Even when we have something important to say, we often choose to keep silent. Why chance having an argument or getting someone else angry at us? People often tell me, "speaking up just isn't worth the risk."
On the face of things, keeping quiet in your relationship may often seem like a wise choice. Shouldn't you do your best to keep your relationship running smoothly? Yet, when we struggle over whether or not to keep quiet, the topic is usually significant. And while speaking up may raise your anxiety, keeping silent usually isn't an anxiety-free choice.
Some examples (with names and details changed): Susan has a strained relationship with her dad, who has strong ideas about how his daughter should live her life. Now 30, Susan has acknowledged that she is lesbian to herself and to her friends, but not to her father. "Why bother?", she tells me in therapy. "It will only upset him, and then he'll be angry at me, which is really unpleasant." Susan thinks of telling her dad "someday", but in the meantime, she puts a good deal of effort into obscuring much of her life from him, and they have a distant, tense relationship. Besides being a tough way to live, Susan is keeping herself a stranger from her dad and limiting (rather than strengthening) her ability to be herself when she thinks others may disapprove of who she is.
Or take Jim, who is annoyed that his wife is seldom willing to have sex. He continually accepts excuses that involve tiredness, wrong time of day, or headaches, rather than pressing Marcy on the larger issue of their anemic sex life. In therapy, when I ask him why, he explains that bringing up his dissatisfaction and seriously talking with Marcy on this issue may lead to the wrong kind of change in their marriage. "Maybe she'll get mad at me and leave. Or maybe I'll find out I am not going to get what I want, and I will have to leave. I'd rather live with the hope that things in our relationship may get better."
Both Susan and Jim are avoiding conversations that will let someone close to them know them better and allow for a more honest relationship. They are both avoiding taking on a situation that they are not happy with, because they are afraid that things will get worse.
Of course, the same may be true for Susan's father and for Marcy. Susan's dad likely notices her distance, but doesn't press Susan for fear of hearing news he may not like. It is probable that Marcy is well aware of Jim's unhappiness, but is afraid, herself, to discuss her lack of desire or her own unhappiness in the relationship. Like her husband, Marcy never brings up the idea of seeking relationship therapy.
So, which is better? Keeping someone you love in the dark about who you really are, or dealing with their disappointment in you? Keeping silent on a difficult topic in the hope that things will change for the better, or speaking up and facing the possibility that things won't go the way you want them to? Such dilemmas may seem like a choice between the frying pan and the fire.
In my psychotherapy practice, I tell my therapy clients that it is worth considering how much your decision to keep silent or speak up is based on your desire to avoid anxiety. Are you choosing silence because you believe that you can't handle discord, disapproval, or change? Or are you acting out of a solid belief that keeping quiet is the best choice?
It is natural and understandable that most of us will try to avoid taking action when we are anxious about the consequences. However, when you make the choice not to rock the boat in your relationship, you are likely to still find yourself in a tough situation. The alternative is to learn how to tolerate the anxiety of speaking up even when you are scared to do so, because you believe that doing so is the best choice.
Although this can be difficult, I know it is doable, because I have worked with many psychotherapy clients on this issue. When you are able to speak thoughtfully about important but difficult matters, you have a better shot at honest communication and more intimate relationships. You are also likely to feel better about yourself, when you behave in ways that you respect.

 

For help with your marriage, click here to learn about relationship therapy in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.
Click here to learn about individual counseling in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.

Guidelines for Christian Sex

Since I speak and write books on sex, I get asked questions—a lot of questions. The most common questions relate to "what's okay in the bedroom?" Questions like: Is oral sex okay? What about anal sex? Is it wrong to role play with my husband? Is it okay that my husband likes to spank me? Do you think sex toys are wrong? What's wrong with a married couple watching porn together? Is masturbation okay?

Before we even get into discussing whether something is right or wrong in the bedroom, I want to emphasize that God's desire is for you and your husband to experience great pleasure! His standards are not to limit your enjoyment, but to heighten it. I think many Christian couples have no idea what freedom they have in the bedroom. They settle for "vanilla" sex (aka, the missionary position), placing self-imposed restrictions on themselves that have nothing to do with God's perspective. God made the marriage relationship a safe place for a husband and wife to explore, experiment, laugh, and get lost in sensational sex.

There is nothing spiritual or moral about limiting sexual pleasure in marriage. God is the greatest proponent of your pleasure—not the pleasure that is sweet for a season, but the deep, profound satisfaction that only grows sweeter with time. Once you understand what God has said "no" to, you are free to have a great time exploring all he has given you to enjoy.

As with all areas of life, God's instructions on sex can be found in the Bible. The Bible talks about sex a lot, but often the answers to sexual questions aren't found in a chapter or verse—for example, you won't find any references to vibrators. But using the Bible as a reference guide for decisions will make you wise in discerning good from evil (Hebrews 5:14) even when something seems like a gray area. Here are three questions that can help you discern whether certain sexual acts are right or wrong:

Question #1 – What does God clearly say "no" to?

There are some things the Bible is very clear about, particularly related to sex. Some women get confused about whether what God said "no" to in the Old Testament still applies in our day. For example, women wonder if it's okay to have sex during their period since the Old Testament law said not to. The Old Testament emphasized being ceremonially pure as a physical way of distinguishing God's people from the rest of the world, but since Jesus paid the sacrifice for our sin, being ceremonially clean isn't an issue anymore. However, all of God's people are still called to be morally pure, and sexuality is a big piece of moral purity.

Moral purity means that sexual expression is reserved for the covenant of marriage between a husband and wife. God says "no" to certain violations and perversions of this. Here is a summary of what God prohibits sexually:

• Fornication: which means having sex outside of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2, 1 Thessalonians 4:3)

• Adultery: having sex with someone who is not your spouse. Jesus expanded adultery to mean not just physical acts, but emotional acts in the mind and heart (Matthew 5:28)

• Homosexuality: The Bible is very clear that for a man to have sex with a man or a woman to have sex with a woman is wrong in God's eyes (Romans 1:27, 1 Corinthians 6:9)

• Lustful Passions: First, let me tell you what this does NOT mean. Lustful passion does not refer to the powerful, God-given sexual desire for each other enjoyed by a married man and woman. Instead, it refers to an unrestrained, indiscriminate sexual desire for men or women other than the person's marriage partner (Mark 7:21 – 22, Ephesians 4:19)

• Coarse Joking: In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." We have all been around people who can see a sexual connotation in some innocent phrase, then begin to snicker or laugh. This is wrong. However, this does not rule out sexual humor in the privacy of marriage, but rather inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.

What God says "no" to probably didn't surprise you, but his standards are also not very "PC." If you believe that God, the creator of your sexuality, has your best interest in mind, you will understand that these boundaries are to protect you.

Question #2 – How do you keep sex just between you and your husband?

God said "no" to having sex outside of marriage and having sex with someone you're not married to, so why do we even ask this question? Because many people fudge on it.

Reserving sex, sexual fantasies, and sexual expression only for your husband means more than just what you do physically, but what you look at and what you think about. This is what Jesus said:

You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery." But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

This includes fantasy, pornography, online relationships, and erotica. This seems like a pretty strict standard. Jesus goes on to advise us on how to deal with temptation:

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29

His message is clear: get rid of whatever causes you to sin in your heart! If it is a portal for temptation, get rid of the iPhone, satellite TV, or your Facebook account. Cut off the relationship that is tempting you. If you really want to know what God says, take his warning seriously. Throw out the mommy porn. Stop flirting with anything that causes you to think, lust, or fantasize about someone other than your spouse.

Question #3 – Will this sexual activity be good for both of us?

This is where things get fuzzy. We don't see anywhere in the Bible where God clearly says "no" to things like sex toys, masturbation, or oral sex. In fact, you'll find very different opinions from Christian leaders on all these topics. The Corinthian church had questions about gray areas too. Instead of telling them exactly what to do, Paul gave them guidelines of how to use good judgment when the Bible doesn't clearly state something as right or wrong.

Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12

A few chapters later, Paul seems to repeat himself:

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Here's what you can take from these passages. There are many things in life that you are free to do and enjoy. When you are not sure whether something is okay, put it through Paul's filter:

• Is this beneficial? Is it good for me? For my husband? Is it good for our marriage?

• Does it master me? Can it be habit-forming or addictive?

• Is it constructive? Does it help me grow and mature? Does it build our marriage?

• Is it loving? Does this action show love towards my husband or is it selfish?

This may mean that for some couples, a sexual act will be fine, and for another couple, the same act isn't right for them. An example of this is oral sex. Some couples feel great freedom to include this in their lovemaking. For other couples, oral sex is a trigger for memories of sexual abuse or pornographic images. The same act can be loving for one couple and harmful for another.

Do you wish God had given you a list of sexual acts with a clear "yes" or "no" by each one? It sure would make things a lot easier. But God, in his wisdom, has left some things open for a husband and wife to talk and pray through. Ultimately, you have to seek his wisdom for your own marriage. If you and your husband disagree on a "gray area," you will have to listen and learn to love each other through the decision.

After all, sex is a lot more than just sharing your body—it's a journey of intimacy. Figuring out boundaries together gives you great opportunities to seek the Lord's wisdom, and to learn how to love each other more deeply.

Download TCW's "Guide to Sexual Satisfaction" at this link, and subscribe to our free Marriage Partnership e-newsletter at this link for weekly tips, advice, and encouragement in the joys, successes, trials, and tribulations of marriage.

Page 4 of 4

• 25
• 6
• share
• 5
• email
• print
• save

Juli Slattery is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional. She co-founded Authentic Intimacy (www.authenticintimacy.com) and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

What women want from men

By Melody Rousseau

What do women find attractive in older men? We asked two women for their dos and don'ts

What do women look for in an older man?

Trudy Jones* is a leggy blonde who has just celebrated her sixtieth birthday and a divorce from her husband of 34 years.
A forthright Northerner, Trudy offered a succinct assessment when asked what were the major turn-offs in men her age and older:
"Beige!" She explains: "You know those people who go around in a sort of beige burqa of matching windcheater, trousers, shoes and cap. It just shrieks 'pensioner' to me. It says 'I'm old and I've lost interest in being sexy'."

Things to avoid

Included on Trudy's list of no-nos are a bad hairpiece and dyed hair, following a date with a man sporting hair not his own. Her advice? "Just shave your head! It's trendy now".
As an active horse rider and grandmother of five, Trudy has no time for couch potatoes either. But, reassuringly, she doesn't expect perfection in a prospective partner. "As long as your clothes fit and you don't smell you can't go wrong as long as there's chemistry".
She says of her current partner, "When I first met him, he had a terrible old vest and tatty underpants that he washed every night by hand - they've gone pink now - but they're clean and I fancy him so it doesn't matter."
Trudy's partner seems to agree, saying admiringly "I never knew grannies could be so sexy!"

Grooming

Stella Asquith*, 58 and a divorcee, has some sympathy with Trudy's view.
"As long as a man's clean and well groomed, a bit of cragginess can actually look good. I don't mind grey hair or baldness."
She too has an aversion to couch potatoes and a hatred of beige for much the same reasons as Trudy.
"Beige means dressing old, giving up. But I can't bear men trying to look young in groovy clothing either, and I think that white socks should be banned on anyone over the age of 19, likewise white shoes. As for gold, ugh! Gold chains are absolutely out. I prefer classic clothing and I like men to look their age."
For Stella, "The very worst things are personal habits like picking noses or scratching spots…things like bad table manners or strange eating habits are difficult to live with. Good manners are essential."

Nasty habits

In fact, personal traits top Stella's list of qualities for an ideal man. "In the 50s and 60s there are usually quite a lot of things that are dropping off, but personality can make up for much of that.
Kindness, tolerance, consideration for others, a zest for life, intelligence, life experience, energy, enthusiasm, grooming, an openness to new people, places and ideas, modesty, independence, confidence, enthusiasm, being well-read, outdoorsy. These are the ideal qualities. But if someone was overweight for example, that could be counterbalanced with lovely manners."
However, Stella says that although she feels very lucky to have been born a baby boomer, "A lot of men in my age group were brought up in an age when men were much more important and I can't bear to be dominated.
"I always expect to be an equal partner. So that might be the only good reason I can think of for a younger man!"
*All names have been changed.
Find love online by setting up a free profile on Saga Connections.