marriage/family alive

Monday, January 14, 2013

Sexual Positions Women Enjoy

Many of you are not having orgasms from sexual intercourse. I know that this can be frustrating, especially because we think that we are “supposed” to have them. But one of the things that no one really tells women (especially when we are starting to become sexually active) is that the majority of women (around 70%) do not have orgasms from intercourse alone. Most women need clitoral stimulation in order to climax. So it doesn’t matter how wonderful your partner is. This isn’t about your partner; this is about your anatomy! While it is possible to have this during sex, vaginal penetration on its own will rarely get you sufficiently stimulated. (If it does, consider yourself lucky!) Men and women are simply built differently; for males, thrusting during penetration is pleasurable and can get them to orgasm. But in order to help you achieve orgasm during intercourse, try sex positions where you or your partner can manually (with hands or a vibrator) stimulate the clitoris. (BTW, there is a new finger vibe on the market from Trojan called “Vibrating Touch” –Vibrating Touch. Also, much of how a woman responds sexually is mental. If you are so desperately focused on having an orgasm, you can psych yourself out of having one altogether! But if you masturbate and know how to get yourself to orgasm when you are alone, try to incorporate some of those moves into intercourse. Show your partner what works and hopefully this will bring some additional pleasure to you during intercourse.

Read more: Orgasm Trouble - I Can't Orgasm During Sex - Marie Claire

10 New Sex Positions You've Never Heard of...But Need to Try, Now
If the sexual honeymoon's over and you're tired of busting out the same three moves, it's time to spice up your boudoir repertoire. Try any one of these, or go buck wild with a personalized combo routine. We can guarantee these are not your run-of-the-mill, been there, done that sex positions.
By Koryn Kennedy
July 21, 2011 10:00 AM
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The School House Rock
First find a chair with a sturdy back, have him sit facing forward. Straddle him with your feet on the floor, slowly lowering yourself onto his erection with your knees bent at a ninety-degree angle. Once he’s fully penetrated you, begin to slowly rock back and forth.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

Stand and Deliver
He remains standing and lifts you up so that you can wrap your legs around his waist. From there he’ll cup your buttock and slowly move to enter you, controlling the depth of penetration. For balance, have him stand near a bed or a wall. This position is great for women who like it when their partners are in control—and have some serious upper body strength.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Lazy Twizzler
This position is best for sleepy morning sex. Start off in spooning position, then slide one leg forward in front of you giving him access to your girly parts. He’ll maneuver his top leg between yours until you’re legs are open enough for him to penetrate you. This position allows deeper penetration and requires very little effort from either of you.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Sexy Marionette
Stand facing a wall, as if you’re about to be strip-searched, placing both hands slightly above your head. Then slowly slide down the wall, falling forward from the waist—like a marionette with slack strings. He’ll keep you steady by holding your hips firmly, as he thrusts from behind. This position requires a little stamina and flexibility, but it well worth the effort.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Mirror Image
Straddle his lap, facing him. Once he’s inside you, have him sit up so you’re face-to-face. Then, wrap your legs around each other’s backs and link your elbows under each other’s knees, crating a mirror image of each other. Hold on to each other tightly as roll back and forth. This position allows the two of you to be completely wrapped up in one another, stimulating all your body parts at once, and his!

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

Turning the Helm
While in the missionary position have him move up on his knees while he continues to thrust. Once he’s upright, he’ll pick up on one of your legs with one hand and then move it to the other, as if he’s turning the helm of a ship, until your on your side. For there he can maneuver you onto all fours. The beauty of this move is that it maintains fluidity during position transitions, and keeps you and your partner intimately connected.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Greyhound
Lay on the bed on your stomach with your legs spread out. Have him kneel between your legs and lift you by the hips until he’s able to enter you, keeping as much of your body on the bed as possible. In essence, your entire body is being stretched out for him and the elongated angel will tighten your vagina, proving a very snug fit. For add spice, try the Rocket Greyhound by adding a small vibrator to the mix.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Sling
Stand and face each other, then slowly lift one leg until he can slide his arm underneath it to hold it in the air. He can raise or lower his arm to make this position as comfortable and pleasurable as possible for you. If you happen to be very flexible, he can raise you leg high, possibly to his shoulder, creating a very open pose. This position gives both of you the opportunity to stoke each other for a little extra stimulation.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Wide Angle
Have him kneel in front of you then slowly sit on him, locking you’re legs around his back. Once he’s in position, lean back. He can support you by warping one of his arms around you, with the other he can stimulate you clitoraly. This position gives you more control of rhythm and speed than missionary and t gives him a great view of your breasts—a win-win for everyone

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire

The Wheelbarrow
This an advanced position that works best when your already in the Marionette or Greyhound position. After he’s entered you from behind with his hands on your waist, have him life one of your legs—or both—and rest your hand or forearms on the floor. The Wheelbarrow is incredibly erotic as allows him you see all of you at once, but can be exhausting. We recommend only holding the position for a few, or the final few, thrusts.

Read more: Best New Sex Positions - Ideas for New Sex Positions - Marie Claire
Women love sex. In fact, some women think about it just as often, if not more, then their male counterparts. They fantasize constantly and at great length (with you being the object of their desire, of course).

These hot little fantasies can cover a broad spectrum of kink, but almost always involve one of the five most common vaginal and anal sex positions women enjoy.

This is due to a number of reasons, the most significant being that they create a perfect balance between level of difficulty and maximum pleasure. In other words, these sex positions women enjoy result in loads of pleasure for the minimal level of effort required to pull them off. That’s not to say that women don’t love your faves as well; they’re definitely into sexual acrobatics every now and then — but when we’re getting down and dirty, certain sex positions tend to get women more wet than other.

Private lap dance

Most women love being on top for one simple reason: It makes them feel like they’re in charge, and power is always a heady aphrodisiac. Being on top is not limited to one style, however. If you’re old-school, lie on your back and have her straddle your waist before lowering herself onto you; don’t forget to lend her some support by holding her hips while she rides you. If your woman doesn’t enjoy this style, it’s likely for one of two reasons: She may feel overexposed during the act, or her legs might be a bit too short to pull it off comfortably.

The easy fix for this dilemma? Move to the sofa. Sit yourself down, lean back and pull her astride you. This is definitely one of the sex positions women enjoy because it allows her to brace herself against the back of the couch, giving her excellent leverage to ride you to orgasm. She can even brace herself with one hand, leaving the other free to play with her clit.

Sex position savvy: It may be tempting to just sit back and enjoy the scenery, but if you’d like to really rock her world, tease her breasts and nipples with your tongue and trace the curve of her waist with your fingers; these moves will magnify her pleasure.

Missionary

More commonly known as the missionary position, the comfort zone is not to be overlooked. Nor should any man ignore its tremendous potential for scorching hot sex. Yes, it can also make for predictable, boring sex a Puritan would admire, but only if you’re lacking passion and creativity. The comfort zone is one of the top sex positions women enjoy, and for good reason: the permutations for pleasure are virtually endless, and none of them involve discomfort or the skills of a gymnast.

Take charge: Lay her down on the bed, spread her legs apart by sliding your knee between her thighs, place her wrists above her head and show her what you’re made of. Women love displays of dominance in the bedroom, and this one can be either subtle or overt, making it suitable for nearly every woman out there.

Sex position savvy: Take it to the next level by talking dirty to her. Bring your lips close to her ear and whisper what you’re going to do to her; let her know she’ll be screaming your name before it’s over.

Stand at erection

This sexual position women enjoy is pretty self-evident in the title: Your woman is going to sit on a surface that stands level with your waist, and then you’re going to penetrate her as deeply as you possibly can. The further her legs are spread apart the better, and you can maximize this by drawing her legs around your waist. This will place her vagina directly against your groin, and will make deep thrusting incredibly easy for you, thereby increasing her odds of having a G-spot orgasm. Where can you put this sexual position women enjoy to good use? Try the kitchen counter, the bathroom counter, the washing machine, the piano, the hood of your car — get as naughty as you like.

Sex position savvy: Some men come relatively quickly in this position, thanks to it’s deep-thrusting potential. Don’t be afraid to slow down and take a break to get yourself back under control. Use that time to stimulate her clitoris and bring her closer to the edge. When you start thrusting again, she’ll be just as ready as you are.

Spooning it

The spoon position makes for fabulous sex, and it’s really no wonder that it’s on this list of sexual positions women enjoy. A woman loves the feel of a man’s chest against her back, she loves the feel of your arms wrapped around her and she loves the feel of being penetrated from behind. She especially enjoys it in the spoon position, because it’s incredibly comfortable and still allows you to play with her breasts and clitoris, which, frankly, most women can never get enough of.

Slide behind your woman, pull her bottom backward against your groin, and slip her top leg over your hip, drawing it slightly backward as you do so. Having her thighs spread apart like this will make her feel deliciously naughty and she’ll probably arch her body to give you even further access. This is a very comfortable sexual position women enjoy, and you can expect a great deal of moaning to ensue.

Sex position savvy: Take advantage of this position by reaching around and stimulating her clitoris, and don’t forget to talk dirty to her as you do; this is one of the best positions for pillow talk.

Doggy Style

You may be surprised to see doggy style making the list, but it really is one of the sexual positions women enjoy. That said, the doggy style you see in the average porn flick isn’t really what we’re talking about here — we’re after something a bit more intimate and far more pleasurable. Yes, women do like being bent forward on all fours and taken from behind, but they like it even more when you bend forward as well, sliding your fingers between her thighs and toying with her clit. And women simply love it when you switch things up by pulling them into a kneeling position while you continue to thrust deeply. Women definitely enjoy doggy style, as long as they aren’t made to feel like objects.

Sex position savvy: While bending forward, gently nip your woman’s shoulders with your teeth; this area is very sensitive and most women enjoy being bitten there, as it greatly intensifies the sexual pleasure.

As mentioned previously, women love sex just as much as you do, and they’re particularly fond of it when it involves any of these woman-pleasing sexual positions. While some women may not love each position on this list, rest assured that most do, and they’re happy to experiment for the sake of keeping things fresh and exciting. Women love those kinky positions, too, but sometimes a girl just wants a man to penetrate her in a style she knows she’ll be able to orgasm from. Try one of these sexual positions women enjoy and she probably will.www.marriagefamilyalive.gnbo.com.ng

Sexual Positions Women Enjoy

4 Strategies to Cope with Anger in A Healthy Way

Adapted from “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)
Our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown. People are restless, volatile, our tempers about to blow. Recently, a riveting Newsweek cover story, “Rage Goes Viral” described how from Tunisia to Egypt a wave of rage is rocking the world to create revolutions. Then there are the talk radio ranters, coongressional incivility, and domestic terrorists such as the Arizona shooter. Rage is also prevalent in our daily lives: There’s road rage, office rage, supermarket rage, and even surfer’s rage. Why is rage so rampant? What is the solution?
In my book, “Emotional Freedom” I explore the differences between “good” and “bad” anger. Anger can be a healthy reaction to injustice such as cultures fighting to free themselves from repressive regimes. Anger rallies people. It creates energy and motivation to rebel against dysfunctional political or social systems. It also motivates groups to go on strike say, for higher, well-deserved wages or to defend human rights. On a personal level, anger can be good if it’s expressed in a focused, healthy way rather than using it as a weapon to punish or hurt others.
Your Body’s Reaction To Anger As a psychiatrist, I know that anger is intensely physical and can come from a primal place. Let’s say a colleague double-crosses you in a business deal. You feel angry. Your amygdala (the emotional center in the brain) stimulates adrenaline. You get an energy rush that rallies you to fight. Blood flows to your hands, making it easier to grasp a weapon. Your heart pumps faster. You breathe harder. Pupils dilate. You sweat. In this hyperadrenalized state, aggression mounts. You may raise your voice, point accusingly, stare him down, grimace, flail your arms around, verbally intimidate, barge into his personal space. Taken to an extreme, you could literally be driven to knock him out or beat him up. In a pure survival-oriented sense, you want to dominate and retaliate to protect yourself and prevent further exploitation. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control because of its evolutionary value in defending against danger.
What factors make us susceptible to anger? One is an accumulation of built-up stresses. That’s why your temper can flare more easily after a frustrating day. The second is letting anger and resentments smolder. When anger becomes chronic, cortisol, the stress hormone, contributes to its slow burn. Remaining in this condition makes you edgy, quick to snap. Research has proven that anger feeds on itself. The effect is cumulative: each angry episode builds on the hormonal momentum of the time before. For example, even the most devoted, loving mothers may be horrified to find themselves screaming at their kids if they haven’t learned to constructively diffuse a backlog of irritations. Therefore, the powerful lesson our biology teaches us is the necessity of breaking the hostility cycle early on, and that brooding on the past is hazardous to your well-being.
For optimal health, you must address your anger. But the point isn’t to keep blowing up when you’re upset rather--it’s to develop strategies to express anger that are body-friendly. Otherwise, you’ll be set up for illnesses such as migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, or chronic pain, which can be exacerbated by tension. Or you’ll keep jacking up your blood pressure and constricting your blood vessels, which compromises flow to the heart. A Johns Hopkins study reports that young men who habitually react to stress with anger are more likely than their calmer counterparts to have an early heart attack, even without a family history of heart disease. Further, other studies have shown that hostile couples who hurl insults and roll their eyes when arguing physically heal more slowly than less antagonistic partners who have a “we’re in this together” attitude.
Still, repressing anger isn’t the answer either. Research also reveals that those who keep silent during marital disputes have a greater chance of dying from heart disease or suffering stress-related ailments than those who speak their minds.
Here are some strategies from “Emotional Freedom” to productively cope with anger in daily life.

4 Tips To Diffuse Anger

1. When you’re upset, pause, and slowly count to ten.
To offset the adrenaline surge of anger, train yourself not to lash back impulsively. Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and VERY slowly, silently, count to ten (or to fifty if necessary). Use the lull of these moments to regroup before you decide what to do so you don’t say something you regret
2. Take a cooling-off period.
To further quiet your neurotransmitters, take an extended time-out, hours or even longer. When you’re steaming retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level. Reduce external stimulation. Dim the lights. Listen to soothing music. Meditate. Do some aerobic exercise or yoga to expel anger from your system.
3. Don’t address anger when you’re rushed.
Make sure you have adequate time to identify what’s made you angry. A Princeton study found that even after theology students heard a lecture on the Good Samaritan, they still didn’t stop to help a distressed person on the street when they thought they’d be late for their next class. Thus, allotting unhurried time to resolve the conflict lets you tap into your most compassionate response.
4. Don’t try to address your anger when you’re tired or before sleep.
Since anger revs up your system, it can interfere with restful sleep and cause insomnia. The mind grinds. Better to examine your anger earlier in the day so your adrenaline can simmer down. Also being well rested makes you less prone to reacting with irritation, allows you to stay balanced.
The goal with anger is to own the moment so this emotion doesn’t own you. Then you can mindfully respond rather than simply react. You’ll have the lucidity to be solution oriented and therefore empower how you relate to others. www.marriagefamilyalive.gnbo.com.ng

Friday, January 11, 2013

Warning Signs of Relationship Breakdown

Research has identified the early warning signs which lead to the deterioration of an intimate relationship. Based on these signs, researchers have been able to predict with a very high degree of accuracy (about 90%) which relationships are likely to end within a few years. This information is crucial in accepting when your relationship is in serious need of more attention or help.

Dr. J. Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington have found that there are four specific signs of deterioration of an intimate relationship. In order of increasing danger, they are listed below:

Criticism - instead of merely complaining, the person attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or character, such as "you are a selfish uncaring person."

Contempt - feedback with the intent to insult and/or psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more than stupid: a total idiot."

Defensiveness - not being willing to listen to anything your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them hurting or attacking you…and

Stonewalling - ignoring, avoiding and distancing from your partner.

References: Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 57-75; Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Books.

Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley at the University of Colorado have also identified four warning signs of deterioration:

Escalation of negativity during the couples' interaction - an increase in complaining and criticism.

Invalidation of each other - not making attempts to understand each other's points of view.

Negative interpretation of neutral or positive events - when one person does or says something which is clearly meant to be neutral or even positive, but their partner interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative…and

Avoidance and withdrawal from partner.

References: Markman, H.J., Floyd, F.J., Stanley, S.M., & Storaasli, R.D. (1988) Prevention of marital distress: A longitudinal investigation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 210-217; Markman, H., Stanley, S. and Blumberg, S. Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, 1994.

These research findings are very similar, despite completely different couples and research agendas. If you notice that your relationship is experiencing two or more of these signs, your relationship needs some extra help and attention. An ounce of prevention can save an incredible amount of emotional, financial and physical pain. Call us at (707) 544-9000 and let us show you how you can heal the resentments from the past and create a more loving, close, healthy relationship that will last a lifetime.

Do you have feedback or comments about this article?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Love and Money: How love can last through these troubled economic times.

Love and Money: How love can last

through these troubled economic times.

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By Julienne B. Derichs LCPC

Turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog and you’ll get bombarded with messages about something that you may already know: we are in an economic slump. The relationship between love and money is challenging during the best of times. With rising unemployment, unmanageable debt, and no new credit to speak of, it is understandable to question whether or not love can survive through these troubled economic times.

Most couples imagine that if they made more money, their money troubles would go away. They do not. The problems often become more expensive. So even if you and your partner make loads of money, why is it that you can still have so many conflicts around money? Let’s take a look.

I love you...I hate you...Your always there...You’re never around...

What is your relationship with money? Is money a kind friend or something that you only think about when it’s time to pay the bills? Picture the family you grew up in, what did you learn about money from the way your parents or caretakers managed money?

It is important to understand your own relationship with money. Ask yourself:

Am I a spender or a saver?

Do I spend more if I am bored, angry, or depressed?

What did I learn about money when I was growing up?

Do I think focusing on money is “self-serving” or “greedy”?

What is the primary feeling I have when I think about money?

Compare your answers to these questions with your partner’s answers. Are they same or very different?

Not Every Dollar has the Same Value

In any healthy relationship, there is a pattern of harmony and disharmony between all the working parts, and your relationship with money is no different. Problems arise not only in your own relationship with money but also because your partner has his or her unique relationship with money that may or may not be compatible with your own.

Relationship with Money: Five key elements.

Directing – how you manage taking care of your money as it comes in and goes out. This includes everyday emotional and intellectual choices about spending, paying bills, tracking deposits, balancing the checkbook, and keeping a budget.

Spending - how you spend your money, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.

Earning - how you earn money.

Saving - how much money you hold onto.

Investing – how you get your money to make you money.

We all have attitudes about money that may hurt our ability to make wise decisions. Ask yourself:

If there isn’t ever enough money, how do I save and invest?

Do I manage my money, or is my spending or saving causing me to spin out of control?

Even though I save will there ever be enough money?

Do I tend to over spend which causes me to under save and invest?

Do I want to make more money so that I don’t have to examine or change my relationship with money?

Why We Fight Over Money

Many fights take place not because of the amount of money spent, but because of the expectations couples have that they never really talk clearly about. Whether it's conflicting styles, or misaligned agendas, couples get rooted in their individual beliefs about money. These views make it difficult to see that their partner simply has a different history and relationship with money.

Money is just pieces of paper which can represent power, a high or low self-worth, safety, and love. Put two people together with different ideas about money, and you have an unavoidable recipe for conflict. Here are some key reasons couples fight about money:

Daily Financial Decisions: Since financial decisions have to be made almost daily, they can be a frequent source of disagreement. Let’s face it managing money can feel like a burden.

Power and Control: When it comes to money, one partner may be more focused on saving every penny while the other is focused on spending every penny. Both

the saver and the spender often view money as a means of control and may believe that the person making or holding the most money has the last word on financial decisions. Buying into the idea that money equals power in a marriage can only cause greater conflict.

Keeping Secrets, Financial Infidelity

What information about money do you keep hidden from your partner? Many couples that I see in my practice report that they didn’t fully talk about the dept they were carrying into marriage. This means they never talked about income, debt burden, student loans, inheritance, savings and credit status. Without full and open financial disclosure couples engage in maintaining secrets in the relationship that are damaging to the glue, which is trust, that holds the relationship together.

Hiding leads to disconnection, dis-connection leads to resentment, resentment leads to unresolved conflict. Unresolvable conflict leads to divorce.

Poor Communication

Couples are often afraid to talk about money. They fear that major changes may come; they will feel deprived, or that the conversation will erupt into a huge fight.

When fights about money come up between you and your partner, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else?” If you find yourself at an impasse over money issues, consider consulting a counselor who can help you deal with financial and communication problems.

Navigating the Ups and Downs Ahead

Relationships are facing more and more stress during this economic slump. Many relationships are seriously hurting because it is often difficult to adjust our lifestyle as quickly as salaries are declining. The hope is that our partner will provide a safe place to fall... a place to de-stress and be soothed…especially in such

troubling economic times. Yet sometimes that isn’t the case in our love relationships.

Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress:

The Precious Present: Focus on today, right now this moment. Future thoughts create anxiety and stress because of the unknown. Be mindful not to get caught in that trap. Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now.

Free Date Nights: Make your relationship a priority and schedule date nights. Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another without spending any money. Embrace the frugal “less is more” lifestyle. Visit frugal living sites like Frugalliving.com on the web and see what you two come up with!

Create a Plan Together: One of my favorite sayings is “life hands us many opportunities to act without a plan (which can be very stressful) so when you can plan...Do!” Creating financial, work, life, or stress management plans helps to create a sense of direction and lowers anxiety. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together.

Talk to Each Other: Difficult times often cause couples to isolate themselves from one another and keep quiet for fear of rocking the boat any further. During tough times it is more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open. It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold onto one another, face the struggles together and talk. Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Take a Helping Hand: Money issues are often ongoing problems that need management and solutions. Seeking the help of a counselor before it becomes a reason for divorce is worth the effort. It just might save your relationship.

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Contact Julienne Derichs

Call 847 266-8484 or email me at JBDCounseling@aol.com www.marriagefamilyalive.gnbo.com

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Time to reinvigorate a mediocre marriage?

When your marriage is mediocre, here are some nontraditional ways to salvage the relationship and avoid divorce

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By Pamela Haag, CNN

July 20, 2011

You've tried marriage therapy. You've tried date night. You've tried attitude adjustment, and tricking yourself into ignoring the discontent ("Just suck it up. … Everyone feels mediocre about their marriages. … Stop being selfish and whiny").

Now you and your spouse are tottering on the brink of throwing the baby of your amiable, functioning but listless marriage out with the bath water of its flaws.

There's a part of your soul that isn't nourished in marriage, and it's too big a part to live without. You've tried, but you fear that you're in the wrong marriage, however wonderful your spouse may be.

You're in the group of "low-conflict," amiable but less than fulfilling marriages. Marriage researchers estimate that they contribute the lion's share to divorce court each year, anywhere from 55 to 65 percent.

It's not the couples who throw dishes and scream at each other (although you'll probably meet them in divorce court too). It's the low-conflict, semi-happy marriage. And, when it ends, acquaintances are apt to say, "Wow, I never saw it coming. They seemed like such a happy couple."

If you're in an unhappy but low-conflict marriage, is there any alternative to divorce or glumly sticking it out?

Yes. Change the marriage instead. Take a fresh look. Maybe the problem is not you. Maybe it's not your spouse. Maybe it's marriage, and how we "do" marriage that's the issue.

There are thousands of books to tell you how to fit yourself, the square peg of a discontented spouse, into the round hole of the institution of marriage. But there are few if any that flip the question, and consider how to change marriage so that it fits us.

Here are some ways, modest and monumental, that 21st century marriages have carved out a third path between a semi-happy marriage and divorce:

Consider separate bedrooms. You'd be surprised how the creation of privacy and nonmarital spaces in a marriage might help. Already one in four Americans sleep in separate bedrooms or beds from their spouses. The National Association of Home Builders predicts that by 2015, 60 percent of new homes will be designed with "dual master bedrooms."

Try a "marriage sabbatical." It's different from a separation, which has no time limit, or a divorce. With a sabbatical, a marriage hits the "pause" button on itself. It creates an intermission, where spouses spend time apart, for months or even a year. It's a way to reconcile the stability of the semi-happy marriage with the need for some happy-happy personal growth time.

Update and rewrite your vows to reflect reality. What if you rewrote your marriage vows and contract every few years to reflect concrete, tangible stages in your marriage? I interviewed a couple who did this. If you're contemplating divorce, you might try to write up a new agreement for, say, the next three years, to create vows, promises and rules that are actually pertinent to your fragile marital situation. A politician in Bavaria even proposed that marriage contracts amortize automatically after seven years, although the idea didn't go anywhere. It might be a harbinger of the future, a planned obsolescence for marriage.

Consider divorced cohabitation. Some divorced couples still maintain a household, usually to provide stability for their children, but enjoy the (discreet) privileges of any other divorced spouses. This alternative has only grown since the 2008 recession, because semi-happy marriages that might otherwise have divorced are now forced to stay put in the same house, because they can't afford to get divorced, or they can't sell their house.

Could you practice "the new monogamy"? What about perhaps the most audacious idea, but one that is working right now for some marriages: Would you have a conversation with your spouse about the possibility of other attachments, of open, "ethical nonmonogamy" as an alternative to divorce?

Most say it "never works," but the fact is that there are happy, secure couples right now who do it in some form or another. If you're at a gathering with 20 married couples, chances are at least one or two fit the bill, or 5 percent, but estimates vary.

A sex educator for adults told me this was "free love, version 2.0." Most likely, these new monogamists are in the closet with their improvised arrangement. Sometimes, a happy marriage "opens up" because they want to do something more, or different. But in other cases, they do it because they want to maintain a functioning but emotionally inert marriage from the grips of divorce.

Still others reconcile the semi-happy marriage with a happy-happy life by having a more agnostic view of the romantic deal breaker of infidelity. They let extramarital affairs nick the consciousness of marriage, but don't discuss anything. They just decide to let the monogamy imperative drift.

These alternatives aren't for everyone, certainly. But it's worth trying to be imaginative if you want an alternative to divorce, and these are all arrangements that you'll find among couples today, however traditional they may appear.

Before you conclude that your only options are divorce or a life of eternal semi-happiness, imagine other options.

Forever is a long time. It pays to be flexible.

Pamela Haag is a married professor and author of "Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules" (Harper). marriage/family

Sunday, December 23, 2012

7 Ways To A Successful Marriage

by Angie Lewis
10/19/2006 / Marriage

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What do you think would deem a marriage successful? Is your marriage successful or are you still working on bringing it into success? Couples may differ in what they believe constitutes a successful marriage. I have compiled a few thoughts that I think couples should incorporate into their own relationship for a successful marriage.

1. Proper Communication

In a successful marriage both husband and wife understand where the other stands on certain issues within the marriage, and are considerate of each other’s feelings. They don’t let matters pile up on the back burner to cause unneeded resentment and animosity later; instead they discuss issues in an appropriate manner when they come up.

2. Acceptance (tolerance, validation, forgiving, supportive)

Accepting one another is very important if you want a happy and satisfying marriage. By accepting the person you married, you are less likely to bring up faults and bad habits and later use those faults against them. True acceptance is loving the person you married in every respect.

3. Trust (confidence, faith, belief)

Couples who trust each other have more personal freedom within the marriage. There are no jealousy issues, and deceitful practices causing marital conflict. If you don’t trust your spouse, maybe it is because you don’t trust yourself?

4. Giving (kind, selfless, considerate, giving)

All good marriages understand the aspects of the give and take relationship. The selfless attitude of wanting the best for your spouse is what real love is all about. When you learn to give of yourself without wanting anything in return, you are actually giving something to yourself because goodness and giving will come back to you.

5. Respect (esteem, honor, admire)

If you want your marriage to grow and be successful, you have to respect the person you married. The more you value your spouse, and make them feel good about who they are, the more they will respect you for who you are. God gave you to each other, so cherish each and everyday with what God has blessed you with.

6. Healthy Attitude Towards Self

You need to have a healthy attitude about yourself for a successful marriage. This is what allows you to be free to give of yourself and to be accepting of each other. If you have a low self-image, or you have not given up a negative past, or you are ensnared within an addiction, etc, these things will keep you from loving wholly. First, take care of you! Then you can be a better marriage partner because of it, and then you can work on your marriage.

7. Spiritual Foundation

If your marriage makes use of the characteristics above then it is supported by God’s spiritual foundation. God is the one who gives us the gifts of real love. Only through Him are we made complete and whole to love others freely.

Jesus said, “Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.” (Luke 6:46-49)

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