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Thursday, September 13, 2012

In Pursuit Of Good Sex: A Drug-Free Approach To Restoring Sexual Libido And Desire

Despite what many so-called experts say, hormone replacement therapy or supplements doesn’t always have to be the answer to lack of sexual libido, passion and desire. Low sexual drive may result from either physical or psychological factors (or a combination of both). In your case the problem may not be physical but a result of imbalances (lost or neglected sexual feelings) that are affecting your overall well-being.

As some people with this “problem" will testify, they experience no physical dysfunction and feel very normal - have sexual desires and become physically aroused on contact with a desirable member of the opposite sex but they quickly loose the aroused state, passion or interest because of fear, anxiety, damage to sexual self-esteem (exposure to or experience of sexual insults or name-calling, or unsuccessful sexual interactions) and/or due to being unsure of one’s own sexual feelings and how one ought to “behave".

These psycho-sexual problems can not be made to “disappear" with hormone replacement, dietary supplements, daily exercise or “magic" tricks.

1. The first step in restoring sexual drive and desire is to examine your reasons, attitude, beliefs and motivation for having sex in the first place.

Think about why many people have sex? Many people have sex in order to get other things that are lacking in their lives - attention or affection, reassurance or popularity. Or maybe they are hoping that having sex will result in a sense of belonging or of being needed or status in their peer group.

Sex which is a delicious and wonderful part of the human experience and a positive influence on daily life becomes a source of anxiety, pressure or displeasure when one (unrealistically) expects sex to fill the “void" in his or her life. It is in fact much more likely that having sex simply to feel better about yourself or to get others to want to be with you will result in compounding the problem of low sexual libido rather than resolving it. You may find yourself easily slipping into self-destructive behaviours (sexual recklessness, denying your sexual desires, avoiding the opposite sex, passive aggressiveness, sex addictions, vaginal dryness, inability to get or keep an erection etc.).

What is your reason for wanting sex? Is it realistic and healthy or is it to fill a “void" in your life?

2. The second step is to integrate sexuality into your sense of self.

Many men and women have cut themselves off from their own sexuality, which impedes their ability to be genuine and natural sexual beings. The sexual “problems" in your life may be a result of what happened in childhood including upbringing, cultural expectations, sex information learned, anxiety or confusion in adolescence, history of sexual abuse, body image issues, financial or career uncertainty, history of bad relationships or bad sexual experiences etc. These factors combined ultimately lead to the mind and body’s reluctance to go through all the pain and hassle -again.

Self-awakening is a critical stage for discovering your inner libido and getting the most out of sex. What do you believe about sex? What do you consider acceptable? What is normal to you? Who and what lurks under your outward demeanor? The reward for integrating sexuality into your sense of self is not endless sexual bliss (though anything can and does happen!). The reward is an openness to experience the energy that creates life in you, to recognize when it has slipped out of your life and to be able re-connect with your own sexual powers naturally and instantly.

3. The third step is to do things which will build a sense of “sexual" achievement.

Many studies have shown that the pressure to perform to a “satisfactory sexual standard" (whether self-inflicted or from outside sources) inhibits body/genital response both in men and in women and consequently increases feelings of rejection, a sense of obligation, loneliness and guilt, and in most instances this leads to loss of self-confidence or the mood for sex. Even if you feel somewhat fulfilled in your sex life, hearing about what others do behind closed doors — and how often can get your worried about your own performance and sexual desirability.

Instead of trying to live up to the sexual expectations and images promoted by the media (and “sex-experts"), it is important that you find your own sexual standard and unique libidinous imprint. Give yourself permission to see the intelligence, wisdom, vitality and sensuality of your own mind and body - this eases the pressure to perform according to someone else’s (idealistic and impossible) standards.

As important as it is to “take the pressure of", it’s also equally important to ‘walk before you can run". Starting with small things is the most effective strategy. This may involve things as simple as smiling at people and making it clear they are welcome; finding time and space to yourself and putting your needs above everyone else’s needs; assertively asking to be treated with respect, kindness and sensitivity; thoroughly exploring how you see your own body, what role the body plays in your life and what makes you sexually fulfilled, etc.

4. The fourth step is to surround yourself with sex-positive and holistic models of sexuality (including people and sources of information etc).

One of the most effective ways to positively enhance your own sexual self-esteems is to “make-over" your environment and surround yourself with people, things and experiences that are generally more sex-positive, holistic and empowering. The kind of people and sexual environment you expose yourself to has a powerful effect on your sexual libido. If you hang around people (read their books or internet articles and blogs) who are sexually frustrated, bitter, angry, confused, ignorant, immature, uncouth, shame or guilt-driven, unfulfilled, etc. you will find yourself frustrated, bitter, angry, uninformed, inexperienced, unfulfilled and boorish. These people may seem like “fun" to be around since they share your “frustrations" but all too often all you end up doing is dwelling on what you have done badly or not been able to do - and sometimes kicking your own butt and unable to forgive yourself which just worsens your situation.

Men and women who score highest on a measure of sexual libido and passions have a positive view of their sexuality (open-minded and broad-minded), and as a result are more sexual which in turn makes them more sexually attractive to the opposite sex. They are more likely than others to be in a relationship, experience feelings of love (more often than others) and have great sex - NO hormone replacement, dietary supplements, unnecessary exercise routines or “magic" tricks!