12 Points For Wives To Note

1. The wife that wins all arguments with her
husband is not wise. The home is not a law
court.
2. The wife that uses sex as a weapon in the
home - placing embargo, going to bed in jeans
shorts and trousers - lacks wisdom.
3. The wife that uses the modern trends and
laws of "women's rights" to insult or ridicule
her husband simply makes a fool of herself.
4. A woman that makes her home devoid of
peace through bickering, nagging and quarrels
needs help. A man should be eager to run away
from office to be at home, for that should be
the safest and coziest place on earth for him.
5. Modern-day equality in marriage does not
mean competition. It simply means partnership.
Taking advantage of such equality to turn
around and become the de facto head of the
home and oppress the man is tantamount to
playing with fire. If you destroy your home, soon
you will be the boss of an empty home.
6. A wise wife makes the man feel so good that
he assumes that he is the head. Once he gets
that feeling, the woman gently wields her power
and the head actually turns to wherever the
neck wants without a protest.
7. A wife that does not pull herself away from
friends' influence and advice or even from the
control of her mother and father will have
herself to blame.
8. When a man is looking for a wife, he
bypasses women of different shapes and sizes
to choose a wife. But soon after childbirth,
many women hide under the excuse of
childbirth to let go of themselves.
Many stop bothering about their looks, shape,
dressing, etc. Within 5 years of marriage, people
start wondering if the wife is the man's aunt,
even though she is 7 years younger.

Renewing Affections between Husband and Wife Paul J. Bucknell

How do you recover lost affections for your loved one?

Many things can hurt a marriage, but here we want to focus recovering the lack or loss of affection. This loss of affection for the other partner can lessen love, intimacy and lead to marriage erosion. Perhaps you yourself have faced this problem in your own marriage. We need to learn how to properly deal with this problem.

Husbands and wives are designed differently and react differently to this problem. We later will look at this problem from both the husband and wife's perspective, but first let's deal with some common issues.

Vision of Unity
A couple will always feel uncomfortable dealing with problems if there is not an agreed upon common goal. The goal helps the couple realize they are not competing but running together and need each other's help. God has given us the life vision of oneness or intimacy. We are declared one but now must work it through so that it is true of our lives together.

For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31).

Paul calls this oneness a great mystery in Ephesians 5:32. This teaching has great implications in our marriage goals as well as how we as husbands or wives use our bodies for the benefit of the other. Can you not agree with your spouse that your common marriage goal is to grow toward deepening intimacy? You will serve the Lord and each other to obtain that goal even when your affection for each other is dwindling.

Marriage is not based on feelings but on covenant.

The Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings but commitment. This is critical in any discussions about the lack of feelings for each other. Because the couple is married, divorce is not an option. They are one. Once one, they cannot be made two except by death. The wedding might be dependent upon feelings but not the marriage. The marriage is an oath made before God and man and must go on.

We all need to remember that marriage is different from other relationships because it is built on covenant rather than preference. We must not question the validity of our marriages. This is the foundation upon which we deal with all the fuzzy feelings and difficult circumstances we find ourselves in.

This does not mean that we just tolerate a distance between each other. Who wants a stale marriage?! The couple has a greater goal of deepening intimacy. This is just one more area that needs to be worked through. If the feelings are not honestly dealt with, then the intimacy will suffer as frustration and misunderstandings grow. Marriages can always be renewed by God's grace because one is building upon the truth that they are one even if there are other differences. Fears and Honesty (More on material on fears can be found on Overcoming Anxiety: Finding Peace, Discovering God)
Fear holds many couples from being honest with each other. While they are being caught in silence, their marriages disintegrate before their eyes. When one begins to lack affection for his or her spouse, he or she begins to fear that their marriage is falling apart too. They have heard lots of such stories. The evil one instigates all sorts of anxieties and fears here. But this is simply not true. Marriages are not based on our fears or feelings but on our promises. As one questions his own feelings, they also begin to fear what his or her partner might say. But no matter what, darkness proceeds in the darkness. We need to bring the truth to light (Ephesians 5:7-11). We need to value our marriages enough that we will take those brave steps to cause our marriages to grow. Allowing our fears to grow just make things much worse. Fears cause distorted judgments. In order to throw off fear, we might address our partner positively, "I want our marriage to grow closer. Will you pray for me during this difficult time." As your spouse asks what the problem is, then share the problem along with your hope for deeper intimacy.

"And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11)

Feelings Awry
Heart affections are closely meshed with our feelings. Other physical and circumstantial situations affect these feelings such as emotional traumas like death in the family or simple fatigue. We should not gauge the validity or depth of our relationship on our feelings. This is more difficult for the wives whose feelings are more deeply integrated with her whole person. Their special integrated design can lead to belief that feelings are the same thing as reality. Her subjectiveness can lead her to wrong conclusions. Men, too, can also be affected by feelings. Fears and anxieties play havoc on all who entertain them! Our feelings about our marriage does not make it true. Our marriages are established by covenant.

Fantasy Partners and Adultery
One of the major times couples face lost affection for their partners occurs when a partner has started putting their affections on another person. A spirit of rejection sets in which leads to further distance and loss of hope. An honest and calm discussion about whether ones heart is cast upon another is needed. Adultery is a potential problem for both husbands and wives. The more the wife works outside the home, the more this becomes a possibility. But neighbors too can be a potential site. Men have problems where they regularly meet women.

How to Deepen Your Relationship with Touch and Sex

“Passion comes easily in the early days of a relationship. Almost every word, glance and touch vibrates with lust. It’s nature’s way of drawing us together. But after the captivating rush of desire, what is the place of sex in a relationship? Besides pulling us in, can sex also help to keep us together to build a lasting relationship? Emphatically, yes. In fact, good sex is a potent bonding experience. The passion of infatuation is just the hors d’oeuvre. Loving sex in a long-term relationship is the entree.” Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight.
Much of what we hear in popular culture and from some self help gurus is that passion is a passing sensation, which fades as a relationship matures. The high intensity of sexual desire that characterizes the beginning of your relationship is thought to inevitably diminish with time. Unfortunately, too much emphasis has been placed on the mechanics of sex: positions, techniques, and toys to enhance physical bliss.
When couples feel secure in their relationship, then emotional connection creates great sex and great sex deepens the emotional connection. For emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged couples, sex becomes intimate play where sexual needs, deepest joys and vulnerabilities are shared. Sexually satisfied couples are truly ‘making love’.
Happy couples attribute only 15-20% of their happiness to a satisfying sex life. On the other hand, unhappy couples believe that 50-70% of their unhappiness is due to an unsatisfying sex life. (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2003). The reason sex is such a big issue with unhappy couples is because it is the first thing affected when a relationship begins to falter. It is not usually the real problem, but more of a symptom. It is a bit like the “canary in the mine” warning a couple of danger. It signals that the couple do not feel emotionally safe which each other. The security of our emotional connection defines our relationship in bed as well as out.
The most common physical sexual problems are low sex drive for women and premature ejaculation for men. This is not surprising. When women are unhappy in relationships they typically feel alone, emotionally disconnected. If they are seeking reassurance that they are valued for who they are as a person and do not receive it they shut down sexually. When men are unhappy, they often focus more on their sexual performance and their own release rather than focussing on pleasing her. When she senses this, it can make her feel more alone and sex becomes less pleasurable for her. This reinforces his sense of inadequacy, and the sexual issues continue, increase and then are seen as ‘the’ problem for a couple. Most often, when couples can create a secure emotional connection, their sex life improves automatically.
Deepening Your Connection through Touch and Sex
If you or your partner is not feeling emotionally secure and safe in your relationship, it will not be possible to have a constructive conversation about improving the quality of your sex life. I have written in previous articles about how to create a greater sense of security by learning how to stop destructive conversations and how to de-escalate conflict. Appreciating the vulnerabilities of your partner is also a prerequisite for deeper conversations. For those of you in more secure relationships, you must have the courage to reveal your own deeper desires and needs and have the courage to ask your partner for the love you need.
If you and your partner are feeling emotionally secure, then below are a few suggestions to deepen your connection through touch and sex. Some of these may be very hard to do. Perhaps more attention on touch than sex would be good place to start. Remember to stay open, responsive and engaged as you have these conversations. Try these and have some fun!
1. With your partner, recall a time in your relationship when sex was really satisfying. The person who tends to initiate sex less goes first. Share the story of this pleasant and happy experience with your partner in as much detail as possible. Talk about what you think made it so memorable. Then the other person shares a different story.
2. Have a conversation about “If I was perfect in bed.” One person begins by saying: “If I were perfect in bed, I could, I would______________, and then you would feel more______________.” Share at least three responses with each other.
3. Think of all the ways touch can show up in your relationship. For example, holding hands while out together, a spontaneous hug while making dinner together, giving a shoulder or back massage or brushing her hair. Take turns telling your partner your favourite nonsexual ways of being touched.
Touch can be enjoyable in and of itself as a way of connecting emotionally. It does not always have to lead to sex. Spontaneity, anticipation, surprise can create the right mood. Touch is a powerful expression of love. Sex can then be simply for fun, as way of getting close, a straight forward release, a way to deal with stress, a route to romance, a place of tender connection, or a burst of passion.

How to use sex to Keep Your Immune System

1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming

“Sexually active people take fewer sick days,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD a sexual health expert.

People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of the a certain antibody compared to students who had sex less often.

You should still do all the other things that make your immune system happy, such as:

• Eat right.
• Stay active.
• Get enough sleep.
• Keep up with your vaccinations.
• Use a condom if you don’t know both of your STD statuses.

2. Boosts Your Libido

Longing for a more lively sex life? “Having sex will make sex better and will improve your libido,” says Lauren Streicher, MD. She is an assistant clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

For women, having sex ups vaginal lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, she says, all of which make sex feel better and help you crave more of it.

3. Improves Women's Bladder Control

A strong pelvic floor is important for avoiding incontinence, something that will affect about 30% of women at some point in their lives.

Good sex is like a workout for your pelvic floor muscles. When you have an orgasm, it causes contractions in those muscles, which strengthens them.

4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure

Research suggests a link between sex and lower blood pressure, says Joseph J. Pinzone, MD. He is CEO and medical director of Amai Wellness.

“There have been many studies,” he says. “One landmark study found that sexual intercourse specifically (not masturbation) lowered systolic blood pressure.” That's the first number on your blood pressure test.

5. Counts as Exercise

“Sex is a really great form of exercise,” Pinzone says. It won’t replace the treadmill, but it counts for something.

Sex uses about five calories per minute, four more calories than watching TV. It gives you a one-two punch: It bumps up your heart rate and uses various muscles.

So get busy! You may even want to clear your schedule to make time for it on a regular basis.  “Like with exercise, consistency helps maximize the benefits,” Pinzone says.

6. Lowers Heart Attack Risk

A good sex life is good for your heart. Besides being a great way to raise your heart rate, sex helps keep your estrogen and testosterone levels in balance.

“When either one of those is low you begin to get lots of problems, like osteoporosis and even heart disease,” Pinzone says.

Having sex more often may help. During one study, men who had sex at least twice a week were half as likely to die of heart disease as men who had sex rarely.

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

(continued)

7. Lessens Pain

Before you reach for an aspirin, try for an orgasm.
“Orgasm can block pain,” says Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. It releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.
Stimulation without orgasm can also do the trick. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache,” Komisaruk says.

8. May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely

Going for the gusto may help ward off prostate cancer.
Men who ejaculated frequently (at least 21 times a month) were less likely to get prostate cancer during one study, which was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
You don’t need a partner to reap this benefit: Sexual intercourse, nocturnal emission, and masturbation were all part of the equation.
It's not clear that sex was the only reason that mattered in that study. Lots of factors affect cancer risk. But more sex won’t hurt.

9. Improves Sleep

You may nod off more quickly after sex, and for good reason.
“After orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released, which is responsible for the feelings of relaxation and sleepiness" after sex, says Sheenie Ambardar, MD. She is a psychiatrist in West Hollywood, Calif.

10. Eases Stress

Being close to your partner can soothe stress and anxiety.
Ambardar says touching and hugging can release your body's natural “feel-good hormone.” Sexual arousal releases a brain chemical that revs up your brain’s pleasure and reward system.
Sex and intimacy can boost your self-esteem and happiness, too, Ambardar says. It’s not only a prescription for a healthy life, but a happy one.

Guidelines for Christian Sex

Since I speak and write books on sex, I get asked questions—a lot of questions. The most common questions relate to "what's okay in the bedroom?" Questions like: Is oral sex okay? What about anal sex? Is it wrong to role play with my husband? Is it okay that my husband likes to spank me? Do you think sex toys are wrong? What's wrong with a married couple watching porn together? Is masturbation okay?

Before we even get into discussing whether something is right or wrong in the bedroom, I want to emphasize that God's desire is for you and your husband to experience great pleasure! His standards are not to limit your enjoyment, but to heighten it. I think many Christian couples have no idea what freedom they have in the bedroom. They settle for "vanilla" sex (aka, the missionary position), placing self-imposed restrictions on themselves that have nothing to do with God's perspective. God made the marriage relationship a safe place for a husband and wife to explore, experiment, laugh, and get lost in sensational sex.

There is nothing spiritual or moral about limiting sexual pleasure in marriage. God is the greatest proponent of your pleasure—not the pleasure that is sweet for a season, but the deep, profound satisfaction that only grows sweeter with time. Once you understand what God has said "no" to, you are free to have a great time exploring all he has given you to enjoy.

As with all areas of life, God's instructions on sex can be found in the Bible. The Bible talks about sex a lot, but often the answers to sexual questions aren't found in a chapter or verse—for example, you won't find any references to vibrators. But using the Bible as a reference guide for decisions will make you wise in discerning good from evil (Hebrews 5:14) even when something seems like a gray area. Here are three questions that can help you discern whether certain sexual acts are right or wrong:

Question #1 – What does God clearly say "no" to?

There are some things the Bible is very clear about, particularly related to sex. Some women get confused about whether what God said "no" to in the Old Testament still applies in our day. For example, women wonder if it's okay to have sex during their period since the Old Testament law said not to. The Old Testament emphasized being ceremonially pure as a physical way of distinguishing God's people from the rest of the world, but since Jesus paid the sacrifice for our sin, being ceremonially clean isn't an issue anymore. However, all of God's people are still called to be morally pure, and sexuality is a big piece of moral purity.

Moral purity means that sexual expression is reserved for the covenant of marriage between a husband and wife. God says "no" to certain violations and perversions of this. Here is a summary of what God prohibits sexually:

• Fornication: which means having sex outside of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2, 1 Thessalonians 4:3)

• Adultery: having sex with someone who is not your spouse. Jesus expanded adultery to mean not just physical acts, but emotional acts in the mind and heart (Matthew 5:28)

• Homosexuality: The Bible is very clear that for a man to have sex with a man or a woman to have sex with a woman is wrong in God's eyes (Romans 1:27, 1 Corinthians 6:9)

• Lustful Passions: First, let me tell you what this does NOT mean. Lustful passion does not refer to the powerful, God-given sexual desire for each other enjoyed by a married man and woman. Instead, it refers to an unrestrained, indiscriminate sexual desire for men or women other than the person's marriage partner (Mark 7:21 – 22, Ephesians 4:19)

• Coarse Joking: In Ephesians 4:29, Paul says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths." We have all been around people who can see a sexual connotation in some innocent phrase, then begin to snicker or laugh. This is wrong. However, this does not rule out sexual humor in the privacy of marriage, but rather inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.

What God says "no" to probably didn't surprise you, but his standards are also not very "PC." If you believe that God, the creator of your sexuality, has your best interest in mind, you will understand that these boundaries are to protect you.

Question #2 – How do you keep sex just between you and your husband?

God said "no" to having sex outside of marriage and having sex with someone you're not married to, so why do we even ask this question? Because many people fudge on it.

Reserving sex, sexual fantasies, and sexual expression only for your husband means more than just what you do physically, but what you look at and what you think about. This is what Jesus said:

You have heard that it was said, "Do not commit adultery." But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

This includes fantasy, pornography, online relationships, and erotica. This seems like a pretty strict standard. Jesus goes on to advise us on how to deal with temptation:

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. Matthew 5:29

His message is clear: get rid of whatever causes you to sin in your heart! If it is a portal for temptation, get rid of the iPhone, satellite TV, or your Facebook account. Cut off the relationship that is tempting you. If you really want to know what God says, take his warning seriously. Throw out the mommy porn. Stop flirting with anything that causes you to think, lust, or fantasize about someone other than your spouse.

Question #3 – Will this sexual activity be good for both of us?

This is where things get fuzzy. We don't see anywhere in the Bible where God clearly says "no" to things like sex toys, masturbation, or oral sex. In fact, you'll find very different opinions from Christian leaders on all these topics. The Corinthian church had questions about gray areas too. Instead of telling them exactly what to do, Paul gave them guidelines of how to use good judgment when the Bible doesn't clearly state something as right or wrong.

Everything is permissible for me—but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me—but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12

A few chapters later, Paul seems to repeat himself:

Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Here's what you can take from these passages. There are many things in life that you are free to do and enjoy. When you are not sure whether something is okay, put it through Paul's filter:

• Is this beneficial? Is it good for me? For my husband? Is it good for our marriage?

• Does it master me? Can it be habit-forming or addictive?

• Is it constructive? Does it help me grow and mature? Does it build our marriage?

• Is it loving? Does this action show love towards my husband or is it selfish?

This may mean that for some couples, a sexual act will be fine, and for another couple, the same act isn't right for them. An example of this is oral sex. Some couples feel great freedom to include this in their lovemaking. For other couples, oral sex is a trigger for memories of sexual abuse or pornographic images. The same act can be loving for one couple and harmful for another.

Do you wish God had given you a list of sexual acts with a clear "yes" or "no" by each one? It sure would make things a lot easier. But God, in his wisdom, has left some things open for a husband and wife to talk and pray through. Ultimately, you have to seek his wisdom for your own marriage. If you and your husband disagree on a "gray area," you will have to listen and learn to love each other through the decision.

After all, sex is a lot more than just sharing your body—it's a journey of intimacy. Figuring out boundaries together gives you great opportunities to seek the Lord's wisdom, and to learn how to love each other more deeply.

Download TCW's "Guide to Sexual Satisfaction" at this link, and subscribe to our free Marriage Partnership e-newsletter at this link for weekly tips, advice, and encouragement in the joys, successes, trials, and tribulations of marriage.

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Juli Slattery is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and broadcast media professional. She co-founded Authentic Intimacy (www.authenticintimacy.com) and is the co-author of Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love Are You Making?

How to Stop Premature Ejaculation - 3 Easy Tips to Last Longer in Bed and Not Climaxing Too Soon

Premature Ejaculation happens to each and every man in different phases in his life. Of course it is something he is hoping to forget and get over and done with but there are times when a person has to take matters into his own hands and how to stop premature ejaculation should be the utmost priority.
This is not your usual chocolate moment - relax and ease out. It should not always be a quick masturbatory element on your part. What you have to do is experiment on how to stop premature ejaculation by finding out your boiling point. You have to understand the movement of your penis from stiffness to eruption. Even though it is your body, there are times when listening to Anatomy 101 would be a little helpful since you have to know that there Erection Stages that completes the whole process. It is about growing, filling lengthening, hardening beyond measurable doubts and the last part which is ejaculation.
Step #1: Experiment, Awareness.
The tip here is to go through the usual process of getting comfortable and close your eyes. When you feel that your legs are about to have muscle cramps, stop, relax and resume the masturbation. You have to be conscious of what you are doing here since the need to know how to stop premature ejaculation can be achieved just by paying attention to your movements and breathing.
Step #2: Positions to Avoid.
There are two major sexual positions you have to stay away from. Although for you to last longer, know how to stop premature ejaculation by not participating on the Missionary and Doggy Style. These two positions make you thrust a little stronger and not control your muscles.
Step #3: Pressure Points to Touch.
You have to master this technique on how to stop premature ejaculation by knowing where to apply pressure when you think you are about to ejaculate. These are areas near your perineum or that portion just in the middle of your scrotum and your anus. You could also apply some gentle tugs on your scrotum. Don't allow your partner to apply circular movements on it since you will erupt in no time. Should your partner do this, squeeze the head part of your penis in a gentle manner to help prevent having fireworks.
Try these steps to how to stop premature ejaculation to have a longer and lasting pleasure.

Counseling for Marriage

One of the first things that one needs to do before entering marriage is to understand one’s self. I’ve devised this instrument that may help with this.
What or who comes first in your life? This is an important question in every relationship. If you were to list the three most important people in your life, the three most important ways to spend your money (after marriage), and the three most important ways to spend your time what would they be? Below there is a "his" and "hers" list. Starting with the most important in each category list the things that pertain to you.
Your priorities in life indicate your loyalties to people. One of the major tasks of marriage is the shifting of your loyalties from the family in which you grew up to the new family you will be creating with your spouse-to-be. This shifting of focus may be as difficult for you as it will be for your family. However, it is essential so you and your mate may develop your own family unit.
Your priorities also give you direction and goals you feel you must achieve. This is the direction --- the path--- you have chosen to take you where you want to be. One of the important ingredients in a good marriage is a couple’s sharing a common direction in life, a desire to travel the same paths in finance, family, and faith and achieve the same goals.

The important people in HER life.	The important people in HIS life.
1. ______________________________	1. ______________________________
2. ______________________________	2. ______________________________
3. ______________________________	3. ______________________________
HER ways to spend money	HIS ways to spend money
1. ______________________________	1. ______________________________
2. ______________________________	2. ______________________________
3. ______________________________	3. ______________________________
HER ways to spend time	HIS ways to spend time
1. ______________________________	1. ______________________________
2. ______________________________	2. ______________________________
3. ______________________________	3. ______________________________

Do you want the same things out of life? Your priorities will change over the years as you grow and develop. And if the two of you communicate well, you will find your priorities growing, developing and changing together.

Communication

"I see communication as a huge umbrella that covers and affects all that goes on between human beings. Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."
Virginia Satir.
Good communication is the art of sending and receiving a clear message. We are all continuously sending and receiving messages to and from one another. Even when we don’t talk or write, we are sending a message through our body language or with our eyes or even by what we don’t say or do!
One of the largest problems that new couples (and sometimes old couples) have is communication. It’s a two-way street. It requires both a sender and a receiver. The problem comes when there is only one or the other, or even worse, when there is neither.
You have come from two different families. You have learned how to communicate by the way your family communi-cates. Some people come from families where it’s common to speak loudly or even yell during heated discussions and others are appalled as such behavior for they come from a quiet acquiescent family. The most important factor in a good marriage is good communication. While finances, sex, or other issues may be the topic of heated discussions, marital dissatisfactions, and even breakups, the inability of a couple to communicate and find a solution is the root of the problem. So, you must convey a clear message.
In having a happy cohesive marriage it’s most important to give quality time to your spouse. Quite often I hear one or the other person saying, "I’m just taken for granted." Or, in other words this person feels that they no longer have any value to the other person. Now is the time to set aside time to share with one another those precious moments and to share in the things in life that have happened apart from one another---through good communication.
Always remember that your partner may see things differently than you do. Different doesn’t necessarily mean "wrong"; it doesn’t mean "bad"; it just means different and you should respect the other person’s opinion. Listening is the key to understanding and love is the key to patience.
In the worksheets that I’ve provided, I want you to read each statement and then answer quickly "True" or "False" on your own worksheet. Your first response should be your answer. Each of you do the work alone and then compare your answers after you have both completed the worksheet. There are 20 questions relating to your family.

1.	T     F	The hardest topic for my family to talk about is sex.
2.	T     F	In my family when my parents were angry, they would hit or slap each other.
3.	T     F	In my family I often heard the phrase "I love you" spoken among family members.
4.	T     F	In my family each person’s feelings were important, and we were encouraged to share and talk about them.
5.	T     F	My father would say one thing and do another.
6.	T     F	In my family, yelling was one way of getting what we wanted.
7.	T     F	There is a great deal or arguing and fighting in my family.
8.	T     F	My parents listened to my opinion and tried to understand me.
9.	T     F	My mother was the parent in charge and her word was law.
10.	T     F	My father had to have the last word on everything.
11.	T     F	It’s important in my family to respect the rights and privacy of each other.
12.	T     F	In my family, God and Christ was the center of everything.
13.	T     F	My parents would go for hours without talking when they were angry.
14.	T     F	In my family, everyone was encouraged to express their thoughts openly.
15.	T     F	Honesty, integrity, and truth were at the forefront of our lives.
16.	T     F	My family enjoys playing together.
17.	T     F	My mother frequently complimented my father.
18.	T     F	My father frequently complimented my mother.
19.	T     F	I frequently saw my mother and father kiss and make up after fights.
20.	T     F	It was OK to cry in front of each other.

In this next set of questions, you should respond to how you want communication to be between the two of you.

1.	T     F	It’s very important that you accept my feelings.
2.	T     F	I think that we should be able to disagree without fighting.
3.	T     F	Sometimes I’m afraid to tell you what I really think.
4.	T     F	I believe that arguing is bad for a marriage.
5.	T     F	I believe that both the man and the woman should be able to express their feelings.
6.	T     F	I think I am an attentive listener.
7.	T     F	I think that it’s alright to talk about our married life with whomever I please.
8.	T     F	Sometimes I need "space" before I can discuss something I’m upset about.
9.	T     F	I find it difficult to share my feelings.
10.	T     F	When I have a problem, I believe you’ll be there to help me.
11.	T     F	Loud yelling bothers me and I withdraw when it occurs.
12.	T     F	I find it difficult to criticize you without your getting angry.
13.	T     F	Sometimes I need time to myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
14.	T     F	I think that we should be able to put each other down and tease each other.
15.	T     F	The hardest topic for us to talk about is religion.
16.	T     F	I think that you frequently talk down to me.
17.	T     F	I’m willing to compromise to keep peace in our relationship.
18.	T     F	I would like to have our serious talks just before bedtime.
19.	T     F	Sometimes I can be very pushy and to the point.
20.	T     F	Disagreement can be healthy in a marriage if both people fight fairly to resolve differences.
21.	T     F	It’s very important to me to know how you feel and what you think.
22.	T     F	I’m very sensitive to criticism.
23.	T     F	I believe that it’s important to you to be right all the time.
24.	T     F	When I get angry and you ask me what’s wrong, I will answer "Nothing."
25.	T     F	I think the man should be the head of the house.
26.	T     F	It’s very hard for me to change my mind once I’ve made a decision.
27.	T     F	I believe that it’s OK to keep secrets from each other.
28.	T     F	I think that you often interrupt me and try to dominate the conversation.
29.	T     F	I believe that if you don’t get your way, you’ll be angry with me.
30.	T     F	I feel close to you when you let me help you.

Now that you’ve finished both parts of the communication work sheets it’s time to compare. This is not the time to find fault with one another, but a time to find what you have in common and to find the strong and weak points on which you can build.

Communication Covenant

Marriage is a special kind of relationship. It’s a covenant to be open, honest, faithful, and it’s permanent.
Place your initials in the space following the responsibilities you agree to in this Communication Covenant. You have the freedom, of course, to make any changes to fit your own personal relationship.
I understand that communication is the key to a successful marriage, so I agree to the following responsibilities:

1.	I understand that communication is the key to understanding and agree to be as clear and open as possible.	______    ______
2.	I agree to find a special sharing time each day to give my spouse my undivided attention.	______    ______
3.	When there’s something important to discuss, I agree to turn off the TV, turn off all other distractions, and turn my attention to my spouse.	______    ______
4.	I agree to share my thoughts openly and honestly with my spouse and give him/her my approval to share openly and honestly with me.	______    ______
5.	I agree to share my feelings openly and honestly with my marriage partner.	______    ______
6.	I agree to be an attentive listener.	______    ______
7.	I agree to never to call names, hit, or say "I don’t love you" to marriage partner.	______    ______
8.	I agree that it’s OK to disagree about some things.	______    ______
9.	I agree to take responsibility for what I say and do.	______    ______
10.	I agree to never speak for you unless I’ve consulted you.	______    ______
11.	I agree to be truthful with you.	______    ______
12.	I agree to hug you every day of your life.	______    ______
13.	I agree to spend time with you each year that will enrich our marriage.	______    ______
14.	I agree that if, for any reason, our communication seriously breaks down, I will go with you and get professional help.	______    ______

I, _______, agree to this Communication Covenant because I love and respect you and want only the best for us in our marriage relationship.
Signature: _____________________________________
I, ________, agree to this Communication Covenant because I love and respect you and want only the best for us in our marriage relationship.
Signature: _____________________________________

WHO DOES WHAT?

This next section will deal with "who does what?" It’s to get the idea of how you feel the way the marriage responsibilities should work. Even these small issues are important for it lets each of you know what is expected of the other. After answering these questions and comparing answers, you will need to identity the "why" and then decide as to the "who". The answer key will be: H- husband W- wife B-both N- neither.

1. Do the grocery shopping.
2. Take care of children when they’re sick.
3. Decide what insurance to buy.
4. Decide what TV programs to watch.
5. Go to P.T.A. meetings.
6. Do the lawn work.
7. Help children with homework.
8. Repair household appliances.
9. Is the boss.
10. Do the hugging in the family.
11. Decide which church to attend.
12. Take out the trash.
13. Make the beds.
14. Choose a house.
15. Set up social activities.
16. Do the ironing.
17. Decide where the family will go on vacation.
18. Will work for the family income.
19. Vacuum the house.
20. Keep the cars running.
21. Wash the cars.
22. Arrange the furniture in the home.
23. Shop for clothes.
24. Cook.
25. Do the laundry.
26. Choose what to do for entertainment.
27. Do the budget and pay the bills.

Answer sheet for "Who Does What?"

(Answer on separate answer sheets)
     Husband     Wife        Both        Neither

1.    _____    _____    _____    _____
2.    _____    _____    _____    _____
3.    _____    _____    _____    _____
4.    _____    _____    _____    _____
5.    _____    _____    _____    _____
6.    _____    _____    _____    _____
7.    _____    _____    _____    _____
8.    _____    _____    _____    _____
9.    _____    _____    _____    _____
10.    _____    _____    _____    _____
11.    _____    _____    _____    _____

Religious Orientation

When you include God in your relationship, you will have a covenant relationship that will not be taken lightly or broken easily.
In the scriptures, Jesus spoke about how His relationship to His people is like a marriage. That relationship is special, a covenant, in fact, a "oneness". This oneness, this compatibility, is only achieved when you share the same basic beliefs. These are the very foundation of your marriage relationship. From this foundation come the building blocks of how you conduct your-selves, your moral standards, values, and ethics.
How compatible are the two of you in your religious beliefs? How do you see God? Who is God? Is Jesus Christ your personal Savior? And what does that mean to you?
Will you, as a couple, go to church? Which church? How often? On what day—Sabbath or Sunday? How involved will you be in the church? And how about baptism? When do you believe a person should be baptized, as an infant not knowing what is promised for you or as an adult making your own decision and vows; and how—by sprinkling or actual baptism?
These are only a few questions that can be important issues in a Christian relationship. How will your basic differences in religious beliefs affect your relationship and the relationship with your families? Denominational teachings and doctrines can vary to such a degree that a couple’s understanding of God and life, thus their compatibility, are directly affected. And these doctrinal differences can involve their complete family systems.
Enclosed is another worksheet to help you determine what you have in common in your faiths and how to cope with your differences. It is, of course, the best of all situations if you both will come to the true understanding of God’s word. Each of you should do your work alone and answer "True" or "False" on your own sheet and then come together for comparison and discussion.

1.	T     F	My family is actively involved in teaching and leadership in the church.
2.	T     F	My family believes that right after you accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior you should be baptized.
3.	T     F	My parents prayed with us before we went to sleep at night.
4.	T     F	My family believes the Bible is the true and only Word of God.
5.	T     F	My family prays only at meal times.
6.	T     F	My family believes that attending church on the Sabbath is important.
7.	T     F	My parents believe that marriage is permanent.
8.	T     F	My parents believe that children are a precious gift from God.
9.	T     F	My family considers water submersion the only form of baptism.
10.	T     F	My parents made me attend church whether I wanted to or not.
11.	T     F	My parents believe that God and Christ should be the center of one’s life and the center of the family.
12.	T     F	My family prays together at times other than mealtimes.
13.	T     F	My family attends Bible Study regularly.
14.	T     F	I believe that my parents are Christians: they have received Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
15.	T     F	I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.
16.	T     F	My parents believe that there is a heaven for the righteous that one goes to at death and an ever-burning, torturing hell that the unrighteous goes to at death.
17.	T     F	My parents have strong religious beliefs.
18.	T     F	My parents believe that Jesus was born of a virgin.
19.	T     F	My parents believe in praying to the dead.
20.	T     F	My parents observe the Holy Days of God.
21.	T     F	It is important to me that I follow my parents’ beliefs for that is the way that I too believe.
22.	T     F	I believe that there is only one head of the church and that’s Jesus Christ.
23.	T     F	My family believes that you should be baptized at birth.
24.	T     F	I think that it’s important to go to church every Sabbath.
25.	T     F	I believe that only men should teach in the church.
26.	T     F	I believe that since God forgives us, we should be willing to forgive each other.
27.	T     F	I believe that Christmas and Easter are secular holidays rather than religious celebrations.
28.	T     F	I think that it’s important that a husband and wife pray together.
29.	T     F	I consider it very important to read and study the Bible.
30.	T     F	I think that it’s important for us to attend church together.
31.	T     F	It’s important to me that my spouse be a Christian.
32.	T     F	I really do not consider myself a very religious person.
33.	T     F	I think that a marriage that includes God is stronger.
34.	T     F	I don’t believe that I have to belong to a certain denomination to be a good Christian.
35.	T     F	I believe that Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit are one in the same and forming a Trinity.
36.	T     F	I believe that the church should follow the directions and examples of the apostles and Jesus Christ, which are found in the Bible.
37.	T     F	I believe that if you’re a "good person" that is all that is necessary as far as God is concerned.
38.	T     F	I don’t think it’s important that couples have the same religious beliefs.
39.	T     F	I believe that it doesn’t matter what religion a person is because we’re all headed in the same direction and following all the directions of God is unnecessary.
40.	T     F	I think religion is an area we need to discuss more.

Money Matters

Another area of contention that causes problems in many marriages is money—too little, too much, how it’s spent, who spends it—and what we feel about it. How important is it? Your attitude about money comes from your religious teaching and your family of origin. The New Testament addresses the subject of money more frequently than any other subject—except the Kingdom of God. The scriptural message on finances is very clear: We should love people and use things, not love things and use people. The Bible teaches that we are to be good stewards of our money and make wise investments. We aren’t to treasure things more than relationships because our hearts will be where our treasure is. The greatest treasure you can have is your relationship with God and with your chosen mate.
Like all other areas in your marriage relationship, it’s essential that you communicate about your finances. Money is simply a medium of exchange, but the use of it gets tangled up in emotional complexities: love, power, family relationships, and self-worth. For some people, controlling the money in the family means they have the power in the family. What does money mean to each of you?
Most of us have received very little training in managing money. But many of our financial problems can be avoided by being aware of several important biblical concepts of good money management. Let God set the standard for the love and use of your money. A budget is a necessity. Establish a simple, flexible financial outline (budget) to help you meet the goals and priorities you’ve set together. Remember that this should be a joint project.
Establish a simple method of record keeping for income tax purposes. Communicate. Along with knowing and feeling that you’re working together toward common goals, communication is essential. Establish how you will use credit cards. Set limits and avoid becoming a "credit card junky." Be open to changing your budget as your goals, priorities, and family change.
The following worksheet is to make you both aware of the other’s feelings and attitudes toward money.

1.	T     F	I think that it’s OK to declare bankruptcy.
2.	T     F	It’s important to me that we have a budget and try to stay with in it.
3.	T     F	I have clear goals of what possessions I’d like to buy.
4.	T     F	I believe that we should recycle newspapers, etc.
5.	T     F	I think that it’s important that the wife establish credit in her own name.
6.	T     F	Credit card balances should be paid off each month.
7.	T     F	All of our money should go into the same pot and all expenses be shared.
8.	T     F	I think that it’s important that we have our own bank accounts.
9.	T     F	I think we should have a will drawn up.
10.	T     F	Vacations are more important than saving money.
11.	T     F	I will go into debt to buy a house.
12.	T     F	I think that I should be the one who controls the money.
13.	T     F	I always balance my checkbook to the penny.
14.	T     F	I think it’s important to save for the future.
15.	T     F	I think gambling is OK.
16.	T     F	It’s important for me to have some money for which I don’t have to be accountable to you.
17.	T     F	I would not borrow money from my friends.
18.	T     F	Men should always make more money than women.
19.	T     F	It will bother me a lot if I have to ask you for money all the time.
20.	T     F	I think that I should be able to lend money to a friend or relative without having to ask you.
21.	T     F	Time together with you is more important to me than a high paying job, as long as we have enough money to meet our needs.
22.	T     F	It’s important to tithe at least 10% to the church.
23.	T     F	I believe that the male has the primary role to provide for the needs of the family.
24.	T     F	I want to eat at a restaurant at least once a week.
25.	T     F	I want us to have the latest fashions that we can afford.
26.	T     F	I think that we should help our parents in their old age if they need it.
27.	T     F	I think the husband should handle all family investments.

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Touching, holding and hugging are not something you should do; they’re something you must do to communicate your love for one another. Although we know that good communication is required for a good marriage, the one area in which we communicate with each other the least seems to be in our sexual relationship.
No one, male or female, is a mind reader. To meet the needs of your mate, each of you must be free and willing to express yourself openly and honestly in all areas of your relationship.
Over the years our society has made sex something not to be talked about. If sex was discussed, it was usually in an embarrassing, humorous, or coarse context; or it was described as a duty, something you just had to put up with.
Your sexual relationship is much more than just intercourse. Intercourse without the freedom to share, to enjoy, is no longer a sexual relationship. It then becomes a duty.
It’s important to understand that God holds a very high view of our sexuality. The Bible teaches this. The first chapter of Genesis tells us God created us male and female—in His image, for one another and having the capacity to love and be loved in a special way. God gives His blessing on our sexual relationships.
So communicate your needs, what makes you happy and what pleases you. Talk about positions, frequency, where to touch and where not to touch. Give each other the freedom to express yourselves. Enjoy the differences. Your mate’s needs are not statements of your adequacy or inadequacy. As you accept those needs, you will communicate your acceptance of your mate. It’s important to realize that if you’re interested in a good sexual relationship, you must not use sex as a weapon or reward!
The key to sexual satisfaction is taking the time to communicate during lovemaking. It’s a step and signal process. The willingness to guide and be guided to pleasure is part of the process. The greatest secret to sexual satisfaction is to please your partner. In pleasing your partner, your partner will please you. If you both keep this in mind then all will go well. You will learn what to do and what not to do—what pleases and what doesn’t.
Here again is a list of statements that are true or false to you. Answer them by yourself and then return to one another for comparison. Remember, this is not a time for embarrassment or for pointing fingers of accusation. It’s a time of communication through love for each other.

1.	T     F	In our marriage the wife should always be willing to submit to the husband’s sexual needs.
1.	T     F	If I do something that is displeasing during our lovemaking, I want my mate to tell me.
1.	T     F	I want to please my mate, so I talk openly and honestly.
1.	T     F	I believe that it’s important to be physically clean.
1.	T     F	I believe sex is only for having children.
1.	T     F	I think that there are some non-acceptable forms of sexual activities.
1.	T     F	I believe that learning more about my mate’s needs will enrich our sexual relationship after marriage.
1.	T     F	I believe that we should communicate so that we’ll really know what is pleasing to each other.
1.	T     F	I think that it’s important to "set the mood" for lovemaking with music, candles, flowers.
1.	T     F	I was sexually abused as a child.
1.	T     F	It’s important to me that we greet each other affectionately after being apart all day.
1.	T     F	I have some fear of sex.
1.	T     F	I believe that it’s alright for the woman to guide the man to what pleases her.
1.	T     F	I think that sex outside of marriage is OK as long as my spouse doesn’t know.
1.	T     F	I believe that if my mate doesn’t like what I do sexually, I should be allowed to do it anyway.
1.	T     F	I believe that men think more often about sex than women.
1.	T     F	I believe that pornographic movies and books are not good for a healthy marriage.
1.	T     F	I enjoy affection in public.
1.	T     F	I believe that birth control is completely the woman’s responsibility.
1.	T     F	I need to lose weight.
1.	T     F	It is alright for the woman to initiate sexual activity.
1.	T     F	I enjoy hugging and kissing passionately.
1.	T     F	I don’t believe that women should be made to have sexual intercourse during her menstrual period.
1.	T     F	Men know more about how to please their mate than their mate does.
1.	T     F	I believe that it’s up to the man to take the lead in sex.
1.	T     F	I would like to be held and touched without always having to have intercourse.
1.	T     F	I am easily embarrassed when I’m nude.
1.	T     F	I will fake orgasms.
1.	T     F	I am confused about how to really please my mate sexually.
1.	T     F	I like the use of "dirty talking" during sex.
1.	T     F	The "missionary position" is the only way sex should be done.
1.	T     F	If I am not satisfied sexually, I will just not ever mention it.

THE END

I hope that these counseling sheets of questions will be helpful to you in establishing a strong and honest marriage. Of course, there are many, many other questions that will come up before and after your marriage. However, if you remember that communication is the key, then I’m sure things will go well for you. Keep Christ in your hearts and God in your future and your lives will be blessed.

In the service of our Lord Jesus Christ,
I am humbly your servant,
John H.Currier, Pastor