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that he was just playing for fun. And you’re not even that fun, had been his final insult before I’d stormed out. Why couldn’t I just get over it? And why was I still bloody lost in the middle of nowhere?
Just as I had that thought I rounded the corner of a huge hill that I’d been skirting for some time, so huge I wondered if it was actually a mountain, and ahead of me lay a cluster of buildings. Civilisation! At last! I’d really started to think that I might be about to find myself in some kind of The Hills Have Eyes horror situation – it would certainly have been a fitting ending after the day I’d had! The settlement that that my little car was trundling towards wasn’t exactly a vast metropolis, maybe just about big enough to be considered a village, but all I really cared about in that moment was that I could see lights in the growing darkness. Lights meant people, and warmth, and food! It would also offer me the chance to get out my map and figure out where the hell I was, and how to get to where I was supposed to be going. If I could remember how to use one, that is. I was suddenly aware how reliant I was on technology and GPS to guide my way.
START FROM HERE FOR VIBEASE??
As I drove along the windy little road into the village, I searched for a name sign but to no avail. Surely the place couldn’t be so small it was nameless? It was pretty though, there was no doubting that. For a moment my anger subsided as I took in the quaint stone cottages set against a backdrop of rolling hills silhouetted against the indigo twilight sky. I passed a spattering of cozy looking homes, a church, a general shop, and a pub. The Moon and Stars looked extremely inviting, not just because of the blackboard outside declaring home cooked winter warmers. I sighed with relief when I noted another sign declaring that there were rooms available for the night. Phew! I would at least be able to hole up here for the night rather than getting myself even more lost in the dark wilderness, and make a fresh start in the morning light after figuring out my whereabouts. I had the number of the guy who’d rented me the cottage, I would just call and let him know to expect me in the morning instead.
I pulled my little car into the small parking area at the front, grabbed my handbag, and climbed out, stretching my aching limbs gratefully after the long drive. The cold hit me immediately. Sure, it had been cold in London, but it felt at least ten degrees colder here, and it was a biting, raw kind of cold. I wrapped my coat around me tighter and hurried towards the front door, noting that there were only a couple of other cars parked outside.
The pub was just as inviting inside as its exterior had suggested. Traditional but not over-the-top pub décor that managed to look quite fresh and vibrant. Cozy booths lined the edges and mahogany tables were scattered in the main area of the room, just a few of which were occupied. The bar, currently being propped up by a couple of farmer looking types, was straight ahead of me, but the absolute best thing was huge the roaring open fire to the right of the room. I could feel the heat hit me as soon as I entered the room, and was delighted to realise that the table right by the fire was free.
First things first, I needed to book myself a room and order food. I headed to the bar, and a pleasant looking woman in her sixties appeared from the back room as if by magic.
“Hello love, what can I get you?” She asked, her rosy cheeks shining as she smiled.
“Actually I was wondering if you had a room free for the night?” I smiled back. Her face registered surprise for a second, as if she wasn’t used to strangers walking an off the street and asking for a room. Then again, she probably wasn’t.
“Why yes of course duck, no problem at all. You’re very welcome, just the one night?”
“Yes just tonight thanks, I’ve rented a cottage for the week, but it’s a little late now so I’ll finish my journey in the morning.”
“Oh lovely, a holiday is it?”
“Yes, kind of… a writing retreat actually, I’m an author, well, I will be very soon.” I almost blushed as I said the words, but as Jenny kept telling me, I had to own it if I was going to ever make it my reality instead of just a far off dream. Mary’s eyes lit up.
“Well well well, an author under our very own roof! What are you writing? I love a good mystery myself.” You’d think I’d announced myself as royalty the way she reacted, and I had to admit it did feel quite nice. I was starting to thaw out – both on the outside and the inside. She turned to the open doorway behind her before I could answer her question and shouted “Helen, go and prepare room 1 for our guest please,” before turning back to me. “The room will be ready for you in no time dear. My name’s Mary, anything at all you need you just ask. Can I get you a drink? Do you have some bags you’d like taken up?”
“Oh that’s ok, I left my bag in the car, I’ll go and get it in a bit. I was actually hoping to get something to eat first. I’m kind of starving.”
“Well then, let’s get you a menu and we can get you all fed up.”
I ordered lentil soup with crusty homemade bread and a bowl of sweet potato chips on the side. Well, I was hungry! Then I decided to have a glass of white wine to go with it. Well, I wasn’t going to be driving again tonight and after the day I’d had, I deserved it. While waiting for Mary, who’d got caught up in a debate with the two men to my left about whether someone called Annie was going to labour tonight, I pulled my phone out of my bag and turned it on to check for messages. Okay, okay, to check for messages from Greg.
I was diligent about keeping my phone turned off while driving – I’d seen one too many devastating videos on Facebook and the news about horrific accidents caused by the distraction of a text message or notification. It just wasn’t worth the risk. A message pinged in once my phone had fired up and found a signal. It wasn’t from Greg, I noted with a sinking heart. It was from Jenny, asking me to let her know if I’d arrived safely, she was concerned that she hadn’t heard from me. Honestly, I was twenty five years old – did she not think I was capable of finding my way across the country on my own? I disregarded the fact that I evidently couldn’t find my way across the country on my own and that she was probably very justified in her concern. I would reply once I was sitting down by the fire. First I wanted to speak to Greg.
I’d managed to push him out of my mind for the last half hour, barely keeping thoughts of panic at bay, but now I was here I had to speak to him, I had to be sure. If there was a chance of him changing his mind, I wanted to take it. I moved to the farthest edge of the bar, away from where Mary and the farmers were still discussing Annie, who I’d figured out was probably an animal of some sort, and not a someone after all). Their voices were loud, and the other few groups of people at tables were all engrossed in their own loud conversations – maybe being loud was a Derbyshire thing? Added to that the music playing in the background, I didn’t think my pathetic begging would be overheard.
Finding him in my contacts, I clicked connect, and waited with a pounding heart.
“Hey Prim, what’s up?” He answered. I was too stunned to speak for a second, and I realised that after the way we’d left things, I hadn’t expected him to answer at all, let alone so casually. Maybe the fight hadn’t been as bad as I’d thought. Or maybe he hadn’t meant the things he’d said, just like I’d convinced myself in the car. A glimmer of hope sparked inside me.
“Hey Greg. So I arrived at the place. I just wanted to let you know. I’m just grabbing some dinner in a cute little pub.” See, I can be independent, I’m not scared of being alone was the implication under my words.
“That’s great Prim. Listen, I’ve got to go, I was on my way out. Enjoy yourself.”
to be continued....

The day had come. I'd lasted as long as I could in my marriage. Once my husband, Bill, left for work, I packed a bag for myself and our 14-month-old son and left our home. It was the only year in our married life when we lived in the same town as my parents. Obviously the convenience of being able to run to Mom and Dad made my decision to leave Bill easier.

With a tear-stained, angry face, I walked into Mom's kitchen. She held the baby while I sobbed my declaration of independence. A washcloth and cup of coffee later, Mom told me she and Dad would help me. I was comforted to know they'd be there for me.

"But before you leave Bill," she said, "I have one task for you to complete."

Mom put down my sleeping son, took a sheet of paper and pen, and drew a vertical line down the middle of the page. She told me to list in the left column all the things Bill did that made him impossible to live with. As I looked at the dividing line, I thought she'd then tell me to list all his good qualities on the right hand side. I was determined to have a longer list of bad qualities on the left. This is going to be easy, I thought. My pen started immediately to scribble down the left column.

Bill never picked his clothes off the floor. He never told me when he was going outside. He slept in church. He had embarrassing, nasty habits such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table. He never bought me nice presents. He refused to match his clothes. He was tight with money. He wouldn't help with the housework. He didn't talk with me.

The list went on and on until I'd filled the page. I certainly had more than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with this man.

Smugly I said, "Now I guess you're going to ask me to list all Bill's good qualities on the right side."

"No," she said. "I already know Bill's good qualities. Instead, for each item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you do?"

This was even tougher than listing his good qualities. I'd been thinking about Bill's few, good qualities I could list. I hadn't considered thinking about myself. I knew Mom wasn't going to let me get by without completing her assignment. So I had to start writing.

I'd pout, cry, and get angry. I'd be embarrassed to be with him. I'd act like a "martyr." I'd wish I'd married someone else. I'd give him the silent treatment. I'd feel I was too good for him. The list seemed endless.

When I reached the bottom of the page, Mom picked up the paper and went to the drawer. She took scissors and cut the paper down the vertical line. Taking the left column, she wadded it in her hand and tossed it into the trash. Then she handed me the right column.

"Becky," she said, "take this list back to your house. Spend today reflecting on these things in your life. Pray about them. I'll keep the baby until this afternoon. If you sincerely do what I ask and still want to leave Bill, Dad and I will do all we can to assist you."

Facing facts

Leaving my luggage and son, I drove back to my house. When I sat on my couch with the piece of paper, I couldn't believe what I was facing. Without the balancing catalogue of Bill's annoying habits, the list looked horrifying.

I saw a record of petty behaviors, shameful practices, and destructive responses. I spent the next several hours asking God for forgiveness. I requested strength, guidance, and wisdom in the changes I needed to make. As I continued to pray, I realized how ridiculously I'd behaved. I could barely remember the transgressions I'd written for Bill. How absurd could I be? There was nothing immoral or horrible on that list. I'd honestly been blessed with a good man—not a perfect one, but a good one.

I thought back five years. I'd made a vow to Bill. I would love and honor him in sickness and health. I'd be with him for better or for worse. I said those words in the presence of God, my family, and friends. Yet only this morning, I'd been ready to leave him for trivial annoyances.

I jumped back in the car and drove to my parents' house. I marveled at how different I felt from when I'd first made the trip to see Mom. I now felt peace, relief, and gratitude.

When I picked up my son, I was dismayed by how willing I'd been to make such a drastic change in his life. My pettiness almost cost him the opportunity to be exposed daily to a wonderful father. Quickly, I thanked my mother and flew out the door to return home. By the time Bill returned from work, I was unpacked and waiting.

A new outlook

I'd love to say that Bill changed. He didn't. He still did all those things that embarrassed and annoyed me, and made me want to explode.

The difference came in me. From that day forward, I had to be responsible not only for my actions in our marriage, but also for my reactions.

Renewing Affections between Husband and Wife Paul J. Bucknell

How do you recover lost affections for your loved one?

Many things can hurt a marriage, but here we want to focus recovering the lack or loss of affection. This loss of affection for the other partner can lessen love, intimacy and lead to marriage erosion. Perhaps you yourself have faced this problem in your own marriage. We need to learn how to properly deal with this problem.

Husbands and wives are designed differently and react differently to this problem. We later will look at this problem from both the husband and wife's perspective, but first let's deal with some common issues.

Vision of Unity
A couple will always feel uncomfortable dealing with problems if there is not an agreed upon common goal. The goal helps the couple realize they are not competing but running together and need each other's help. God has given us the life vision of oneness or intimacy. We are declared one but now must work it through so that it is true of our lives together.

For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31).

Paul calls this oneness a great mystery in Ephesians 5:32. This teaching has great implications in our marriage goals as well as how we as husbands or wives use our bodies for the benefit of the other. Can you not agree with your spouse that your common marriage goal is to grow toward deepening intimacy? You will serve the Lord and each other to obtain that goal even when your affection for each other is dwindling.

Marriage is not based on feelings but on covenant.

The Foundation of Marriage is NOT Feelings
We need to remember that marriages are not based on feelings but commitment. This is critical in any discussions about the lack of feelings for each other. Because the couple is married, divorce is not an option. They are one. Once one, they cannot be made two except by death. The wedding might be dependent upon feelings but not the marriage. The marriage is an oath made before God and man and must go on.

We all need to remember that marriage is different from other relationships because it is built on covenant rather than preference. We must not question the validity of our marriages. This is the foundation upon which we deal with all the fuzzy feelings and difficult circumstances we find ourselves in.

This does not mean that we just tolerate a distance between each other. Who wants a stale marriage?! The couple has a greater goal of deepening intimacy. This is just one more area that needs to be worked through. If the feelings are not honestly dealt with, then the intimacy will suffer as frustration and misunderstandings grow. Marriages can always be renewed by God's grace because one is building upon the truth that they are one even if there are other differences. Fears and Honesty (More on material on fears can be found on Overcoming Anxiety: Finding Peace, Discovering God)
Fear holds many couples from being honest with each other. While they are being caught in silence, their marriages disintegrate before their eyes. When one begins to lack affection for his or her spouse, he or she begins to fear that their marriage is falling apart too. They have heard lots of such stories. The evil one instigates all sorts of anxieties and fears here. But this is simply not true. Marriages are not based on our fears or feelings but on our promises. As one questions his own feelings, they also begin to fear what his or her partner might say. But no matter what, darkness proceeds in the darkness. We need to bring the truth to light (Ephesians 5:7-11). We need to value our marriages enough that we will take those brave steps to cause our marriages to grow. Allowing our fears to grow just make things much worse. Fears cause distorted judgments. In order to throw off fear, we might address our partner positively, "I want our marriage to grow closer. Will you pray for me during this difficult time." As your spouse asks what the problem is, then share the problem along with your hope for deeper intimacy.

"And do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11)

Feelings Awry
Heart affections are closely meshed with our feelings. Other physical and circumstantial situations affect these feelings such as emotional traumas like death in the family or simple fatigue. We should not gauge the validity or depth of our relationship on our feelings. This is more difficult for the wives whose feelings are more deeply integrated with her whole person. Their special integrated design can lead to belief that feelings are the same thing as reality. Her subjectiveness can lead her to wrong conclusions. Men, too, can also be affected by feelings. Fears and anxieties play havoc on all who entertain them! Our feelings about our marriage does not make it true. Our marriages are established by covenant.

Fantasy Partners and Adultery
One of the major times couples face lost affection for their partners occurs when a partner has started putting their affections on another person. A spirit of rejection sets in which leads to further distance and loss of hope. An honest and calm discussion about whether ones heart is cast upon another is needed. Adultery is a potential problem for both husbands and wives. The more the wife works outside the home, the more this becomes a possibility. But neighbors too can be a potential site. Men have problems where they regularly meet women.

Love and Money: How love can last through these troubled economic times.

By Julienne B. Derichs LCPC

Turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog and you’ll get bombarded with messages about something that you may already know: we are in an economic slump. The relationship between love and money is challenging during the best of times. With rising unemployment, unmanageable debt, and no new credit to speak of, it is understandable to question whether or not love can survive through these troubled economic times.

Most couples imagine that if they made more money, their money troubles would go away. They do not. The problems often become more expensive. So even if you and your partner make loads of money, why is it that you can still have so many conflicts around money? Let’s take a look.

I love you...I hate you...Your always there...You’re never around...

What is your relationship with money? Is money a kind friend or something that you only think about when it’s time to pay the bills?  Picture the family you grew up in, what did you learn about money from the way your parents or caretakers managed money?  

It is important to understand your own relationship with money. Ask yourself:

• Am I a spender or a saver?

• Do I spend more if I am bored, angry, or depressed?

• What did I learn about money when I was growing up?

• Do I think focusing on money is “self-serving” or “greedy”?

• What is the primary feeling I have when I think about money?

Compare your answers to these questions with your partner’s answers. Are they same or very different?

Not Every Dollar has the Same Value

In any healthy relationship, there is a pattern of harmony and disharmony between all the working parts, and your relationship with money is no different. Problems arise not only in your own relationship with money but also because your partner has his or her unique relationship with money that may or may not be compatible with your own.

Relationship with Money: Five key elements. 

Directing – how you manage taking care of your money as it comes in and goes out. This includes everyday emotional and intellectual choices about spending, paying bills, tracking deposits, balancing the checkbook, and keeping a budget.

Spending - how you spend your money, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. 

Earning - how you earn money. 

Saving - how much money you hold onto. 

Investing – how you get your money to make you money.

We all have attitudes about money that may hurt our ability to make wise decisions. Ask yourself:

• If there isn’t ever enough money, how do I save and invest?

• Do I manage my money, or is my spending or saving causing me to spin out of control?

• Even though I save will there ever be enough money?

• Do I tend to over spend which causes me to under save and invest?

• Do I want to make more money so that I don’t have to examine or change my relationship with money?

Why We Fight Over Money

Many fights take place not because of the amount of money spent, but because of the expectations couples have that they never really talk clearly about. Whether it's conflicting styles, or misaligned agendas, couples get rooted in their individual beliefs about money. These views make it difficult to see that their partner simply has a different history and relationship with money.

Money is just pieces of paper which can represent power, a high or low self-worth, safety, and love. Put two people together with different ideas about money, and you have an unavoidable recipe for conflict. Here are some key reasons couples fight about money:

Daily Financial Decisions: Since financial decisions have to be made almost daily, they can be a frequent source of disagreement. Let’s face it managing money can feel like a burden.

Power and Control: When it comes to money, one partner may be more focused on saving every penny while the other is focused on spending every penny. Both 

the saver and the spender often view money as a means of control and may believe that the person making or holding the most money has the last word on financial decisions. Buying into the idea that money equals power in a marriage can only cause greater conflict.

Keeping Secrets, Financial Infidelity

What information about money do you keep hidden from your partner? Many couples that I see in my practice report that they didn’t fully talk about the dept they were carrying into marriage. This means they never talked about income, debt burden, student loans, inheritance, savings and credit status. Without full and open financial disclosure couples engage in maintaining secrets in the relationship that are damaging to the glue, which is trust, that holds the relationship together. 

Hiding leads to disconnection, dis-connection leads to resentment, resentment leads to unresolved conflict. Unresolvable conflict leads to divorce.

Poor Communication

Couples are often afraid to talk about money. They fear that major changes may come; they will feel deprived, or that the conversation will erupt into a huge fight.

When fights about money come up between you and your partner, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else?” If you find yourself at an impasse over money issues, consider consulting a counselor who can help you deal with financial and communication problems. 

Navigating the Ups and Downs Ahead

Relationships are facing more and more stress during this economic slump. Many relationships are seriously hurting because it is often difficult to adjust our lifestyle as quickly as salaries are declining. The hope is that our partner will provide a safe place to fall... a place to de-stress and be soothed…especially in such 

troubling economic times. Yet sometimes that isn’t the case in our love relationships.

Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress:

The Precious Present: Focus on today, right now this moment. Future thoughts create anxiety and stress because of the unknown. Be mindful not to get caught in that trap. Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now. 

Free Date Nights: Make your relationship a priority and schedule date nights. Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another without spending any money. Embrace the frugal “less is more” lifestyle. Visit frugal living sites like Frugalliving.com on the web and see what you two come up with! 

Create a Plan Together: One of my favorite sayings is “life hands us many opportunities to act without a plan (which can be very stressful) so when you can plan...Do!” Creating financial, work, life, or stress management plans helps to create a sense of direction and lowers anxiety. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together. 

Talk to Each Other: Difficult times often cause couples to isolate themselves from one another and keep quiet for fear of rocking the boat any further. During tough times it is more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open. It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold onto one another, face the struggles together and talk. Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Take a Helping Hand: Money issues are often ongoing problems that need management and solutions. Seeking the help of a counselor before it becomes a reason for divorce is worth the effort. It just might save your relationship.

How to curb anger in marriage.

Happy new year to you all, for a very long time i was unable to blog, it was due to internet connection , i'm very sorry.Can anger in a marriage be managed more effectively? David and Vera Mace, pioneers in the Marriage Enrichment movement, have outlined a way of coping with anger feelings that surface in most every marriage relationship. The Mace's indicate that anger is a healthy, normal emotion and one that is present at different times in all marital relationships. Couples should give each other the right to be angry.
When either of the spouses feels angry feelings coming on, those angry feelings should be expressed in words, but the words should be expressed calmly and with love. Extensive nonverbal gestures need not be made, rather, the angry spouse should be able to put their feelings in words in much the same tone that they would say "I feel hungry," or "I am very hungry," or "I am very tired."
Couples who effectively manage their anger agree that anger can be expressed and acknowledged within a marriage relationship. They agree never to attack each other in anger. They share their anger, but they do not attack. Couples should agree with each other that they will not yell at one another unless there is an extreme danger. A firm non-yelling policy within the marriage will remove the need for a spouse to feel defensive or to develop any type of retaliatory anger. By expressing feelings of anger in a very calm fashion, both partners in a relationship are able to find out how and why the anger is present in their marriage.
The Mace's have developed an acronym to help couples remember a better way of solving anger. The acronym they have selected is AREA. The A stands for Admitting your anger to your spouse; R stands for the desire to Restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling your spouse; the E stands for Explaining in a very calm fashion why you are angry; the A stands for Action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger.
Generally, if anger is handled in the above fashion and a calm approach is taken to identify the cause and what can be about the anger, couples usually find that the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or deeds, or that the anger was based on one partner being pushed beyond a level of tolerance, all of which are quite easily solved when approached in a very calm fashion.