The Economy of Sex

Guys, tell me this has never happened to you.
You’re home with your wife - and The Mood strikes. Things are progressing, but then something happens and The Mood is gone.
You fight to bring it back but your wife is not interested. Nothing you say or do will bring the magic back. For tonight, for now, the prospect of having sex is gone.
Why does this happen? Because sex is powerful and women have the power.
Let me explain.
It may seem a bit caveman-ish but human sexuality, like many things between people, is a matter of economics: how humans create fair exchange.
Universally, a man approaches the woman and it’s the woman’s decision to give the red, yellow or green light. Women are the ones who determine the cost of a sexual encounter - to get the green light, men must give up something in return the woman deems valuable.
Whether the payment honors a woman through security and love, or does not honor her through money or power, sex always comes at a cost.
That is what concerns me the most when it comes to Miley Cyrus performance at the MTV Music Awards. The price set for sex was slashed like a store going out of business. Not only was it slashed, but it was slashed in the spotlight of national TV.
The consequences of a low price for sex perpetuates the cycle of injustice against women. When the price is low, men win. We get what we want at a price that doesn’t cause us to make any sacrifices. We get sex without commitment, without honor, and without love. Of course, that’s what women get too: sex without commitment, honor and love.
Men need to fight for a high price to pay for sex.
When the price of sex is high - when the price costs men something - everyone wins. Women win a man who is motivated to work and lead. They get a better man. Men win a woman who is confident and secure. They get a better woman.
My friend Glenn Stanton recently said in a lecture series to employees at Focus on the Family, “Men who take sex by physical power are seen as the same in all cultures. In no culture are they idealized by either male or female. They are socially deplored and punished.”
Very little attention has been given to Robin Thicke and his role in Miley’s performance. As a man, shouldn’t he be held just as responsible for lowering (or maybe taking the low) price for sex? A man just doesn’t do those kinds of things even when a woman seems okay with it.
Stanton continues, “In every culture, sex is either granted by the woman, or taken by the male. This is humankind’s most important and consequential negotiation.”
When men value women, sexuality, and marriage, everyone wins.
That's something to get twerked up about.

Sam Hoover (@sam_hoover) is a contributor for Dad Matters and a Digital Communications Strategist for Focus on the Family.

Poor sex life? Blame your mobile phone

NEW YORK: Do you eat, sleep and drink your mobile phone, literally? Limit your WhatsApp or Facebook urge as men using mobile phones for over four hours a day are at a greater risk of impotency than those who use it for less than two hours, an alarming research has indicated.

Two new studies in Austria and Egypt have linked daily mobile phone use to erectile dysfunction (ED).

The researchers believe the damage could be caused by the electromagnetic radiation emitted by handsets or the heat they generate.

For the study, the researchers recruited 20 men with erectile dysfunction and another group of 10 healthy men with no complaints of ED.

There was no difference between either group regarding age, weight, height, smoking, total testosterone or exposure to other known sources of radiation.

Scientists found that men who had erectile dysfunction carried switched-on cell phones for an average of 4.4 hours daily, whereas the men without erectile dysfunction averaged 1.8 hours.

"Men who use mobile phones could be risking their fertility," said the researchers in a report published in the latest newsletter of Environmental Health Trust (EHT).

A non-profit organisation, EHT focuses on raising awareness on the negative impacts of unsafe mobile phone use and performing cutting-edge research on cell phone radiation.

However, neither study found sperm count was affected.

"Our study showed the total time of exposure to the mobile phone is much more important than the relatively short duration of intense exposure during phone calls," the researchers noted.

Since the preliminary study was small-scale, the researchers concluded that the results indicated a need for larger-scaled studies.

Love and Money: How love can last through these troubled economic times.

By Julienne B. Derichs LCPC

Turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog and you’ll get bombarded with messages about something that you may already know: we are in an economic slump. The relationship between love and money is challenging during the best of times. With rising unemployment, unmanageable debt, and no new credit to speak of, it is understandable to question whether or not love can survive through these troubled economic times.

Most couples imagine that if they made more money, their money troubles would go away. They do not. The problems often become more expensive. So even if you and your partner make loads of money, why is it that you can still have so many conflicts around money? Let’s take a look.

I love you...I hate you...Your always there...You’re never around...

What is your relationship with money? Is money a kind friend or something that you only think about when it’s time to pay the bills?  Picture the family you grew up in, what did you learn about money from the way your parents or caretakers managed money?  

It is important to understand your own relationship with money. Ask yourself:

• Am I a spender or a saver?

• Do I spend more if I am bored, angry, or depressed?

• What did I learn about money when I was growing up?

• Do I think focusing on money is “self-serving” or “greedy”?

• What is the primary feeling I have when I think about money?

Compare your answers to these questions with your partner’s answers. Are they same or very different?

Not Every Dollar has the Same Value

In any healthy relationship, there is a pattern of harmony and disharmony between all the working parts, and your relationship with money is no different. Problems arise not only in your own relationship with money but also because your partner has his or her unique relationship with money that may or may not be compatible with your own.

Relationship with Money: Five key elements. 

Directing – how you manage taking care of your money as it comes in and goes out. This includes everyday emotional and intellectual choices about spending, paying bills, tracking deposits, balancing the checkbook, and keeping a budget.

Spending - how you spend your money, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. 

Earning - how you earn money. 

Saving - how much money you hold onto. 

Investing – how you get your money to make you money.

We all have attitudes about money that may hurt our ability to make wise decisions. Ask yourself:

• If there isn’t ever enough money, how do I save and invest?

• Do I manage my money, or is my spending or saving causing me to spin out of control?

• Even though I save will there ever be enough money?

• Do I tend to over spend which causes me to under save and invest?

• Do I want to make more money so that I don’t have to examine or change my relationship with money?

Why We Fight Over Money

Many fights take place not because of the amount of money spent, but because of the expectations couples have that they never really talk clearly about. Whether it's conflicting styles, or misaligned agendas, couples get rooted in their individual beliefs about money. These views make it difficult to see that their partner simply has a different history and relationship with money.

Money is just pieces of paper which can represent power, a high or low self-worth, safety, and love. Put two people together with different ideas about money, and you have an unavoidable recipe for conflict. Here are some key reasons couples fight about money:

Daily Financial Decisions: Since financial decisions have to be made almost daily, they can be a frequent source of disagreement. Let’s face it managing money can feel like a burden.

Power and Control: When it comes to money, one partner may be more focused on saving every penny while the other is focused on spending every penny. Both 

the saver and the spender often view money as a means of control and may believe that the person making or holding the most money has the last word on financial decisions. Buying into the idea that money equals power in a marriage can only cause greater conflict.

Keeping Secrets, Financial Infidelity

What information about money do you keep hidden from your partner? Many couples that I see in my practice report that they didn’t fully talk about the dept they were carrying into marriage. This means they never talked about income, debt burden, student loans, inheritance, savings and credit status. Without full and open financial disclosure couples engage in maintaining secrets in the relationship that are damaging to the glue, which is trust, that holds the relationship together. 

Hiding leads to disconnection, dis-connection leads to resentment, resentment leads to unresolved conflict. Unresolvable conflict leads to divorce.

Poor Communication

Couples are often afraid to talk about money. They fear that major changes may come; they will feel deprived, or that the conversation will erupt into a huge fight.

When fights about money come up between you and your partner, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else?” If you find yourself at an impasse over money issues, consider consulting a counselor who can help you deal with financial and communication problems. 

Navigating the Ups and Downs Ahead

Relationships are facing more and more stress during this economic slump. Many relationships are seriously hurting because it is often difficult to adjust our lifestyle as quickly as salaries are declining. The hope is that our partner will provide a safe place to fall... a place to de-stress and be soothed…especially in such 

troubling economic times. Yet sometimes that isn’t the case in our love relationships.

Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress:

The Precious Present: Focus on today, right now this moment. Future thoughts create anxiety and stress because of the unknown. Be mindful not to get caught in that trap. Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now. 

Free Date Nights: Make your relationship a priority and schedule date nights. Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another without spending any money. Embrace the frugal “less is more” lifestyle. Visit frugal living sites like Frugalliving.com on the web and see what you two come up with! 

Create a Plan Together: One of my favorite sayings is “life hands us many opportunities to act without a plan (which can be very stressful) so when you can plan...Do!” Creating financial, work, life, or stress management plans helps to create a sense of direction and lowers anxiety. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together. 

Talk to Each Other: Difficult times often cause couples to isolate themselves from one another and keep quiet for fear of rocking the boat any further. During tough times it is more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open. It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold onto one another, face the struggles together and talk. Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Take a Helping Hand: Money issues are often ongoing problems that need management and solutions. Seeking the help of a counselor before it becomes a reason for divorce is worth the effort. It just might save your relationship.

How sex makes you look and feel better

It puts a sparkle in your eye and a glow in your cheeks, what's more it even counts as exercise

Sex puts a sparkle in your eyes and a glow in your cheeks

Having sex, looking good

People who have sex at least three times a week can look up to 10 years younger than those who make love less frequently, according to Dr David Weeks of the Royal Edinburgh Hospital.
Weeks' study of more than 3,500 people aged between 18 to 102 concluded that genetics were only 25 per cent responsible for how young we look - the rest is down to behaviour.
Dr Weeks says this is partly because sex in women helps trigger the production of a human growth hormone that helps them keep their youthful looks.
Sex also pumps oxygen around the body, boosting the circulation and the flow of nutrients to the skin.
And, of course, being in a sexual relationship can in itself be a good incentive to look after your appearance and stay in shape.

Sex is exercise

Estimates of the number of calories you can burn off during lovemaking vary, but there's no doubt that sex does constitute something of a workout, raising the heart rate and pumping oxygen around the body.
"On a basic level, sex is exercise, which is good for everybody," explains Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist with Relate.
"It's good for blood pressure, muscle tone and the cardiovascular system. It also produces hormones, which are good for restoring tissue."
Lovers should also take note that more exercise can make for better sex too. Several studies have shown that regular exercise helps to improve sexual function and satisfaction levels.

In the mood

Sex triggers the release of chemicals and hormones in the body that can relieve stress and pain, as well as making for better relationships.
"Sex is a brilliant stress reliever and releases pain-killing endorphins," explains Paula Hall.
"It also helps both chemically and psychologically to keep a couple's relationship alive. This is because sex produces oxytocin, a chemical linked with pair bonding that helps to produce strong feelings of affection between couples."

Sex forever!

The lack of positive images in the media may lead some people to feel that they are 'past it' when it comes to sex. But the fact is that your sexual life can markedly improve with the years.
"As you age, you have to learn to adapt to your sex life," says Paula Hall.
"But sexual wisdom and sexual knowledge are likely to improve considerably with age and you are likely to be less inhibited. Sexual performance does change, but sexual intimacy can get better and better."
Subscribe to our free  fortnightly health newsletter for more informative health features and news stories delivered straight to your inbox.

Sex Can Be Addictive .

In the movie Blades Of Glory, the character Chazz Michael Michaels, played by actor Will Ferrel, was a self-confessed sex addict. For those who do not believe in the possibility of people being addicted to sex, Will Ferrel’s character would surely be just fictional. However, one episode of The Tyra Banks Show also discussed sexual addiction and even had guests who openly admitted to being sex-addicts. What was more surprising is the fact that one of their guests is only 14 years old and she confessed to being a sex addict since she was 12. Though hard to believe, it is actually true that some people get addicted to sex. How or why this happens will be discussed later on in this article. A person, especially those who engage in frequent sex, might wonder how he or she can determine if his or her behavior is already considered an addiction or not. Characteristics that differentiate sex addicts from those who are just sexually active are also included in this article. Sexual addiction is considered a mental health problem and is very similar to other forms of addiction such as those with alcoholics and drug addicts. Like most health problems too, sexual addiction can be managed or treatment using a method very similar to that used among alcoholics.

Addiction is usually said to be associated, if not a result of, stress and anxiety disorders. A tragic or traumatic event may cause a person to feel self-hatred, extreme anger, loneliness, and depression. In search for an event or situation to change these negative feelings, they seek for things that would can give them pleasure. Substances such as alcohol, amphetamines, and cocaine have a component within them that causes a person to release more dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is the primary neurotransmitter responsible for the good or pleasurable feelings that most people experience. Engaging in some activities such as sex and having an orgasm trigger the same reaction within the brain. Because of the satisfaction, relief or escape that these substances and activities provide to a person who is already psychologically troubled, he or she will seek to experience the euphoria some more. As a result, an addiction develops as well as feelings of obsession and compulsion.

Engaging in sexual or romantic activities is considered natural among humans. The moderation or frequency among each individual, however, varies. Some people do these activities more frequently compared to others but that does not necessarily make them sex addicts.

Some of the characteristics that should be observed in a person to consider him or her as a possible sexual addict are listed below:

l He or she must have a pattern of failing in resisting his or her impulse to engage in specific sexual behaviors;

l He or she must frequently engage in those sexual behaviors to a greater extent or longer period than what he or she is intended;

l He or she might experience a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control those sexual behaviors;

l He or she spends an inappropriately large amount of time or resources spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience;

l He or she has a certain preoccupation with certain sexual behaviors or preparatory activities;

l He or she still frequently engages in sexual behaviors even when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic, or social obligations;

l He or she still continues to do the sexual behaviors or activities despite knowing that he or she will have a persistent or recurring social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or made worse by the behavior; and

l He or she feels distressed, anxious, restless, or irritated if he or she is unable to engage in sexual behaviors or activities.

There are also different levels of sexual addiction. Level one is being engaged in compulsive sexual activities or thoughts only. Level two already includes acts of voyeurism, exhibitionism, and rubbing against people in public places. Level three is when a person already commits much more serious and intrusive sexual offenses that have more harmful consequences.

Sexual addiction, like most other addictions, have several negative consequences. Someone who engages in sexual activities frequently with other people has a greater tendency to acquire infections such as AIDS for example. A female sex addict also has a higher chance of getting pregnant. Sex addicts usually have financial problems because of their uncontrolled expenditure to satisfy their addiction. They will also have social problems such as difficulty relating to their family and their friends primarily because they already have a sense of shame being aware of their problem and the inability to control it.

Professional help is very much needed in order for a person to recover from this kind of addiction. Therapy sessions with professionals may either be done individually or in a group. Several organizations such as Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous already provide programs and support groups to help a person who has an addiction to change and get better in avoiding the compulsion. Some medications can also be used to treat not necessarily a person’s sexual addiction but his or her co-occurring psychological problems.

How to Deepen Your Relationship with Touch and Sex

“Passion comes easily in the early days of a relationship. Almost every word, glance and touch vibrates with lust. It’s nature’s way of drawing us together. But after the captivating rush of desire, what is the place of sex in a relationship? Besides pulling us in, can sex also help to keep us together to build a lasting relationship? Emphatically, yes. In fact, good sex is a potent bonding experience. The passion of infatuation is just the hors d’oeuvre. Loving sex in a long-term relationship is the entree.” Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight.
Much of what we hear in popular culture and from some self help gurus is that passion is a passing sensation, which fades as a relationship matures. The high intensity of sexual desire that characterizes the beginning of your relationship is thought to inevitably diminish with time. Unfortunately, too much emphasis has been placed on the mechanics of sex: positions, techniques, and toys to enhance physical bliss.
When couples feel secure in their relationship, then emotional connection creates great sex and great sex deepens the emotional connection. For emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged couples, sex becomes intimate play where sexual needs, deepest joys and vulnerabilities are shared. Sexually satisfied couples are truly ‘making love’.
Happy couples attribute only 15-20% of their happiness to a satisfying sex life. On the other hand, unhappy couples believe that 50-70% of their unhappiness is due to an unsatisfying sex life. (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2003). The reason sex is such a big issue with unhappy couples is because it is the first thing affected when a relationship begins to falter. It is not usually the real problem, but more of a symptom. It is a bit like the “canary in the mine” warning a couple of danger. It signals that the couple do not feel emotionally safe which each other. The security of our emotional connection defines our relationship in bed as well as out.
The most common physical sexual problems are low sex drive for women and premature ejaculation for men. This is not surprising. When women are unhappy in relationships they typically feel alone, emotionally disconnected. If they are seeking reassurance that they are valued for who they are as a person and do not receive it they shut down sexually. When men are unhappy, they often focus more on their sexual performance and their own release rather than focussing on pleasing her. When she senses this, it can make her feel more alone and sex becomes less pleasurable for her. This reinforces his sense of inadequacy, and the sexual issues continue, increase and then are seen as ‘the’ problem for a couple. Most often, when couples can create a secure emotional connection, their sex life improves automatically.
Deepening Your Connection through Touch and Sex
If you or your partner is not feeling emotionally secure and safe in your relationship, it will not be possible to have a constructive conversation about improving the quality of your sex life. I have written in previous articles about how to create a greater sense of security by learning how to stop destructive conversations and how to de-escalate conflict. Appreciating the vulnerabilities of your partner is also a prerequisite for deeper conversations. For those of you in more secure relationships, you must have the courage to reveal your own deeper desires and needs and have the courage to ask your partner for the love you need.
If you and your partner are feeling emotionally secure, then below are a few suggestions to deepen your connection through touch and sex. Some of these may be very hard to do. Perhaps more attention on touch than sex would be good place to start. Remember to stay open, responsive and engaged as you have these conversations. Try these and have some fun!
1. With your partner, recall a time in your relationship when sex was really satisfying. The person who tends to initiate sex less goes first. Share the story of this pleasant and happy experience with your partner in as much detail as possible. Talk about what you think made it so memorable. Then the other person shares a different story.
2. Have a conversation about “If I was perfect in bed.” One person begins by saying: “If I were perfect in bed, I could, I would______________, and then you would feel more______________.” Share at least three responses with each other.
3. Think of all the ways touch can show up in your relationship. For example, holding hands while out together, a spontaneous hug while making dinner together, giving a shoulder or back massage or brushing her hair. Take turns telling your partner your favourite nonsexual ways of being touched.
Touch can be enjoyable in and of itself as a way of connecting emotionally. It does not always have to lead to sex. Spontaneity, anticipation, surprise can create the right mood. Touch is a powerful expression of love. Sex can then be simply for fun, as way of getting close, a straight forward release, a way to deal with

Good Sex Is a Good Thing

Sex. It can ignite our senses, fill us with ripples of pleasure and awaken a new dimension of feeling for our partner. Lovemaking doesn't require extraordinary skill, nor is it limited to young couples in the throes of passion. Couples of all ages can cultivate sexual bliss for the duration of their lives together.
So what's the trick? One of the most important and often overlooked components of a rewarding sex life is exercise. Regular exercise can pique sexual desire and make sex more enjoyable.

Good Sex Is a Good Thing

Though definitions vary, "good sex" might be thought of as an act of intimacy that promotes health and well-being. Good sex provides significant physical and physiological benefits. Enjoyed in the context of a happy relationship, "sex boosts chemicals in the body that protect against disease," says Paul Pearsall, Ph.D., author of the book "Superimmunity."
Research also suggests that sex and masturbation can help ease joint and muscle pain, combat depression, promote heart health and lengthen life span.
All too often, however, we haven't the time or energy for sex. According to the Masters and Johnson Institute, at least a third of American couples experience a lack of sexual desire. After a stressful day at work, it's easy to neglect the ultimate celebration of human pleasure.
There are ways to ensure that lovemaking remains a passionate, intense and regular part of our repertoire no matter what our age or how busy our lifestyle.

Create Energy for Sex

The surest way to whet sexual appetite and increase sexual activity is through physical exercise. Potent medicine, aerobic exercise revs up hormones, flushes stress, whittles away fat and rejuvenates the body, filling us with renewed vigor, greater confidence and the glow of good health. Regular exercise also increases blood flow to the genitals, priming men and women for sex.
"Beginning a fitness routine has made a difference in our sex life," remarks 42-year-old Mary Jane Platt, a mother of three. "Since we began biking together, we have so much more energy for each other. It's wonderful."
Mary Jane's experience isn't unusual. A University of California study of middle-aged, sedentary men found that after just one hour of exercise three times a week, the men demonstrated improved sexual function, more frequent sex and orgasms and greater satisfaction.
Similarly, researchers at Bentley College in Massachusetts found that women in their 40s engaged in sex more often (about seven times per month), and enjoyed it more than a sedentary group of peers. Since sex can be an act of endurance, improving cardiovascular fitness with aerobic activity such as walking, running, cycling or swimming for at least 30 minutes, three times per week, will help both partners perform longer and more often.
Push-ups and sit-ups or crunches are also beneficial exercises to add to an aerobic routine. They strengthen the shoulders, chest and abdominals, all of which are utilized during sexual intercourse. Keeping these muscles strong helps increase strength and stamina, adding to prolonged, more pleasurable sex.

Warm Ups for Sex

Unlike the muscles in our arms or legs, sex muscles are rarely active during the course of the day. However, by strengthening these "secret" muscles, couples can enjoy more intense sex. Kegel exercises firm the muscles of the vagina, helping women gain muscle control (to grip the penis) and reach orgasm more easily.
Men can use this exercise to delay ejaculation by contracting the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles just before orgasm, then fully relaxing them. Named after Los Angeles physician Arnold Kegel, these exercises strengthen the PC muscles in the pelvis. Though sometimes confused with the abdominal muscles, PCs are the muscles used to stop the flow of urine midstream (not the muscles used to hold in your stomach or tighten your buttocks).
Here's how Kegels work: Contract your PC muscles by clenching, as though stopping urine, and hold for at least two to three seconds per squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze each time and try to fully relax your muscles between each contraction. So you don't get sore, start with just 10 or 20 squeezes. Kegels can be practiced nearly anytime and in any place.
Try them in the morning with each bite of breakfast, while chatting with a co-worker, while watching television or flipping the pages of a magazine until you can do at least 100 to 200 each day. "The squeeze" is fun and easy, and can stimulate erotic feelings. Daily workouts for about one month should yield results.

Stretches for Sex

The following pelvic stretches will help keep the muscles used during sex limber and flexible and help facilitate orgasm. Each stretch can be done in the bedroom on a firm mattress or on the floor. Wear either loose clothing or nothing at all, and consider playing your favorite music. As these exercises can arouse strong sexual desire, you may wish to try these with your partner.

Pelvic Lifts

Lie on your back with knees bent and slightly apart. Feet should be flat on the floor and arms at your side. Inhale, clenching your abdominals and buttocks and lifting the pelvis until your back is straight. Take care not to arch your back. Breathe as you hold the position for at least 10 seconds. Exhale as you lower your body and repeat the exercise.
After you complete your lifts, try a few pelvic bounces, an exercise that can "evoke powerful sexual feelings," according to sex therapists David and Ellen Ramsdale.
As with the pelvic lift, knees are bent and slightly apart. Your palms should face up. Inhale and lift your pelvis just slightly off the ground. Then, exhale and let it down so your lower back bounces gently against the floor. Experiment with variations. Your goal is to feel a sense of openness and release.

The Butterfly

Lie on your back with knees bent. Feet should be together and flat on the bed. Next, pull your feet in until they touch your buttocks. Turn your ankles so the soles of your feet are facing each other and touching. Your knees will point out to the sides of the bed.
Lower your knees toward the bed taking care not to force them down. You or your partner may gently press downward on your inner thighs. When your knees are as far apart as is comfortable, hold for 60 seconds. Gently bring the knees back together with your hands and relax.
This exercise can also be done sitting up, back-to-back with your partner. Sit up as straight as possible with your spines pressed gently together. Relax your shoulders and keep your head in line with your spine. Bring your feet in as close to your body as possible, and turn them so your soles touch and knees point out. Clasp your feet. Breathe deeply and watch as your knees begin to lower, taking care not to force the knees down.
The butterfly is also beneficial for menstrual irregularities urinary problems and is thought to help ease the pain of childbirth.

Sexual Fitness

There are many other exercises and stretches that can enhance not only our sex lives but our mental and physical health. Yoga and dance classes offer great workouts and help stretch the pelvic region. Swimming and other sports that involve kicking motion, are also beneficial.
Regular exercise of almost any kind helps elevate energy, stamina, passion, pleasure...all aspects of our sex lives. So exercise and enjoy! The benefits are many.

7 Ways to get to know your spouse better

Nov 22, 2010 6:00 AM by Tristan Coopersmith

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Who Is This Guy?!

Your husband: He's your best friend, your soulmate, your partner for life. But sometimes, you look at him and think, "Who is this guy?!" Here are seven activities to help you and your hubby reconnect and reignite your friendship.

The drift

Drifting happens to all couples, no matter how long you have been married, simply as a consequence of the hustle and bustle of life. So first things first: You have to make time for each other and nurture your friendship foundation during that time. Focusing on those things that you really like about each other and continuing the never-ending process of getting to know each other as you individually evolve will keep you engaged for the long haul.

How often do you have a date night? Every week Often enough Our anniversary Never :-( View Results     Share This Poll Online Survey Software SurveyGizmo Survey Software powered by SurveyGizmo

Dream share

On separate pieces of paper, write down five to 10 life dreams independently. Once you have completed your lists, see if you can guess the other's dreams. You might be surprised to find out that you never knew your husband wanted to learn Japanese or have another child.

Share a blast from your past

Sharing memories is a beautiful way to bond with your husband, and many couples don't do this as a natural way of being with one another. For this activity, fill up a hat with small pieces of paper on which you've written a year from the time you two were 5 years old until present day. Alternate drawing from the hat and sharing a memory -- be it fond, embarrassing, tragic or otherwise -- from that particular year.

Sex cleanse

While sex can be a fabulous way to bring a couple closer together, not having sex can be, too! A deliberate sex fast can show you what your relationship looks like without physical intimacy, meaning it has to rely on emotional, mental and spirtiual intimacy. Don't worry: You can see all that you need to see in just a couple of weeks. And when I say "no sex," it doesn't mean you can't engage in other fun stuff.

Have a best/worst swap

Nightly, be it just before bed or beforehand (at dinner, if you are kidless or if your kids will give you 10 minutes to yourselves before dinner), share the best and most challenging parts of your day. Be sure to high-five your honey for his accomplishments, no matter how small, and empathize with any rough patches.

Play a trivia game

On index cards, each of you creates 25 trivia questions about yourselves. Topics might include favorite song, least favorite relative, biggest pet peeve, biggest turn on, blood type, etc. Write the question on the front and the answer on the back. Then, play the game as usual using points, candy, cash or whatever other fun currency you desire. The one with the most correct answers is off the hook for a week of dishes.

Engage in each other's interests

Friendship relies on commonalities. And while it is certainly healthy to have independent pursuits, it is important to be interested in each other's passions. Become knowledgeable on your honey's favorite pastime, be it fine wines or football, so that he not only feels comfortable sharing this love with you, but that you also can feed his energy when he does.

Take up an interest together

Find a new hobby that neither one of you has ever explored but in which you share a mutual interest. This could be something you engage in together, such as an intramural sports team, a book club or a cooking class, or something you try out on your own, such as amateur photography or furniture refinishing. Experiencing something new together will allow you to see each in a fresh way as well as give you two something that is uniquely yours amid the hustle and bustle of life that can pull in you opposite directions. 

Things To Do When Your Marriage Is In Danger

No one wants to think about the end of a marriage, especially if the fire is still burning for one or both partners. When trouble starts, you begin wishing for the days when you were happiest in your marriage. When change comes, you feel helpless. This is especially true when your husband or wife refuses to discuss the problem.
In the beginning, you may not have thought of what a long-term relationship means to you. You might have planned to live in a fairytale kind of love that may last forever. But there are always bumps along the way. There may be things that you’ve done that were not well-received. Boredom could have incited an affair. You just need to renew your faith and love for your partner.
People in relationships always want to know how to make love and harmony last. Routines are enemies of romance, or so they seem to be. But realities of a fully committed relationship include living with all the mundane things that happen. Sooner or later, principles and realistic decisions cause clashes. When things like these come to pass, romance may fade.
Think about what could be causing the burn out. Maybe you’ve told a white lie in the past that led to more grave repercussions. Maybe trust never existed in your relationship. Your love might have suffered under all the possessiveness or clingy attitude. This is the most useful time to do something about your mistakes.
Show your spouse that you are still fully committed to making this work. Your spouse may be feeling pessimistic. You should let your partner know that you still want to work with him to keep the marriage going. Showing your belief could make him more honest.
This is the time to point out your true temperament to your spouse. It takes an open minded person to strike a balance between being civil and being candid about his or her feelings. This is a good chance to show that you, too, can learn how to forgive. Always bear in mind that if you are honest about your emotions, your partner may feel inclined to be honest as well.
You must also express your desire to know%Link1%. You both can move on if you really need to. As you go about your daily routine again, show your spouse that your marriage is important to you.
Finally, give each other space. You both want the breathing space. But always plan to spending quality time. As long as it is obvious to both of you that you really want to make the marriage work, you can do this.

The subsequent link has information on how to stay emotionally connected with your spouse. This webpage has how to survive an affair suggestions.

Marriage Sex and the Christian Marriage

I’ve been married for almost three years now, and finally, I no longer blush bright red when the word “sex” is mentioned out loud.
It’s more of a faint pink tinge.
Growing up, sex wasn’t talked about very much. Not at home, not with family, and certainly not in church! There, the very mention of the word would have turned ears to scarlet and had the deacons popping antacid pills. Sure, every year the youth group did a “True Love Waits” program, but we never got down to the real nitty-gritty. We dutifully signed cards and pledged to “wait for true love and marriage” - whatever that meant.
Many Christian youth today are in the same rapidly sinking boat. They have plenty of questions, but not enough people willing to give answers. Or worse, the wrong kind of people are giving the wrong kind of answers.
For those getting no answers, sex turns into "This Great Mystery." Lack of information inspires intrigue and sex becomes even more appealing. The lure of the unknown consumes the mind, and much like Eve, regret blooms after one taste of the forbidden fruit.
How many young men and women could have been protected if they had just been told that sex was not some guilty pleasure denied them, but rather, a part of God’s plan for their future marriage and well worth the wait? How many babies could have been saved if only these young girls had realized not just the negative consequences of sex outside marriage but the positive truth about sex within marriage?
Silence Outside Marriage, Confusion Within
After the wedding, one of the hardest things for young Christian couples to adjust to is the fact that sex is suddenly - okay! All the years of silence on the “forbidden topic,” all the years of feeling guilty for asking questions, all the years of wondering and dreaming, all the years of thinking sex as a "four letter word," suddenly diminish. Sex is expected, allowed, and not only that, but – gasp – it’s a part of God’s plan!
During their most formative years Christian teenagers, especially young girls, are often expected to push the topic of sex aside. The good girls are the ones that sign their pledge cards, sit on their hands when dying to ask questions, and polish their purity rings once a week.
However, I think those years are equally hard if not harder for young men. Those who remain pure during the trying years of hormone overload get married and suddenly expect to experience everything they’ve seen on TV, read in books, or heard in the locker room at school. And why wouldn’t they? It’s all they know.
Suddenly, we have two Christians who’ve done their best to remain pure but may be facing some challenges ahead. Because the mindset “sex is bad” has been drilled into the young woman’s mind for as long as she can remember, she finds it hard to relate to her husband physically. This creates tension between the newlywed couple. The woman creates a false sense of guilt in her head, and the young man develops insecurity – he misreads the situation and assumes something is wrong with him or thinks he is not appealing to his new wife. And what God has purposed for good between a husband and wife becomes distorted.
The couples who failed to protect their purity may be facing even greater challenges. Flashbacks from the past, unmet expectations, and recurring guilt plague this couple. Soon distance forms between the man and woman as their pasts begin to consume much of their emotional energy.
I firmly believe that nothing makes the Enemy happier than a loveless marriage. Which leaves only one option – fighting back. Stand up for your marriage. Give your concerns, your guilt, your insecurities, your fears and your past to God. If you remained pure until your wedding day yet still struggle with your emotions and mindsets, pour out your heart to God. Ask Him to change your way of thinking to a mindset that will be honoring and pleasing to both Him and your husband.
If you made a sexual mistake in your past, you can still move on. Confess to God, ask Him to forgive you, and make it right from here on out. It’s never too late for a fresh start. God is a God of second chances. You have no excuse as to why you can’t fight back and save your marriage from the Enemy’s grasp.
The Subtlety of the Serpent
If the above issues aren’t a problem for you, and you consider your marriage to be on track physically and emotionally, there are still many danger signs to watch for. The old adage “Sex Sells” is unfortunately all too true. Sex remains dominant everywhere you look. Movies, television shows, sitcoms, novels, websites, advertisements, commercials…even the “family” channels on TV promote filth in disguise. Characters in both television programs and books sleep together before they’re married and promote “casual sex.” These shows are often humorous on a superficial level (hence their draw!) but they fail to show the emotional, and usually physical, consequences of such flippant choices.
This is obviously an extremely dangerous situation, not only to our youth of today but to married couples everywhere. How can we save our spouse from temptation from such filth when it’s everywhere? How can we protect our eyes and ears when it seems sex is plastered all over any form of entertainment? Are we supposed to never see movies? Never turn on the television set? Never pick up a novel? Never venture outside of our house?
There are some precautions that are easy to take. For example:

1. Before seeing a movie in theaters, I always check out this website: www.kidsinmind.com. This site has a rating scale of 1-10 on sexuality, violence, and language. Not sure what number on the scale is suitable for you or your spouse? You can read on for a detailed account of each category. (2 religious profanity, 3 mild obscenities, 4 F-words, a woman wears a low-cut dress, etc.) This website archives movies back for literally decades if not older – so you can check out not only movies currently released in theater, but old rentals, as well!
2. Ladies, if you love reading romance novels but hate having to flip past the graphic love scenes – switch over to Christian Fiction. Christian fiction is a growing genre and provides readers with a clean version of the same romance, adventure and escape they seek. Visit my blog for a list of fantastic Christian authors of whom I am a fan: www.betsy-ann.blogspot.com.
3. Turn off the TV! Some shows are still worth watching but to be honest, not that many. Spend that quality time with your spouse, instead. Take the dog for a walk together. Pretend to be kids again and go play in the neighborhood park. Work together on a goal or project – update a room in the house, start your spring cleaning, cook a gourmet meal, etc.

There are ways to protect your mind and your spouse’s. Filth going in will eventually come out creating painful, lingering consequences. A wife doesn’t want to wonder if her husband is comparing her to the partially or completely naked woman he saw on the big screen last night. A husband doesn’t want to guess if his wife finds him as attractive as the buff, long-haired hero in the romance novel she devoured that afternoon.
Allowing these insecurities in your spouse is not pleasing to God. As an act of love for both your Heavenly Father and your husband/wife, watch what you put into your mind. You might think it doesn’t affect you, but it does. No one is immune to sin. “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8.
One of the enemy’s greatest tricks is that of subtlety. You give an inch, he’ll take a mile. But you can beat him at his own game – with a lot of prayer and altering of your entertainment habits.
Take these steps toward a healthier marriage today. Filter what you pour into your mind – it’ll eventually seep into your heart. Be sensitive to the emotional and physical needs of your spouse. And remember, within the constraints of marriage, sex is not a four letter word but a unique blessing from God. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights…” James 1: 17.
This article was originally published on Crosswalk Marriage in March 2007.
Betsy Ann St. Amant resides in northern Louisiana with her hubby and newborn daughter. She has a bachelor's degree in Christian Communications from Louisiana Baptist University and is actively pursuing a career in inspirational writing. Look for her novel RETURN TO LOVE by Steeple Hill Love Inspired on shelves July 2009. You may contact Betsy at betsystamant@yahoo.com.

Tips to Identify the Difference Between Love and Lust

As a psychiatrist, I’ve seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and intuition in the most sensible people. Why? Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection--you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be--rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.
In my book “Guide to Intuitive Healing” I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.
SIGNS OF LUST

You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.

You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.

You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.

You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.

You are lovers, but not friends.

SIGNS OF LOVE

You want to spend quality time together other than sex.

You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.

You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.

He or she motivates you to be a better person.

You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn’t easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it’s essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you’re attracted to someone. This needn’t pull the plug on passion, but it’ll make you more aware so you don’t go looking for trouble.
FOUR NEGATIVE GUT FEELINGS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS (from Guide to Intuitive Healing ) Watch for:

A little voice in your gut says “danger” or “beware.”

You have a sense of malaise, discomfort, or feeling drained after you’re together.

Your attraction feels destructive or dark.

You’re uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but you’re afraid that if you mention it, you’ll push him or her away.

Over the years, I’ve spoken at women’s prisons and domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My gut initially told me something was wrong--but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said 'you better watch out' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." Some gut instincts though, are anything but subtle. On a first date, one woman landed in the hospital with an IV, retching from "psychosomatic" abdominal pain. But did that stop her from seeing the guy? No. From these women we gain a real-world lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors.
It’s so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you’re not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, “This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy.” To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
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About Judith Orloff
Judith Orloff MD, an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA and intuition expert, is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Her other bestsellers are Positive Energy, Guide to Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition and energy medicine. She passionately believes that the future of medicine involves integrating all this wisdom to achieve emotional freedom and total wellness. www.drjudithorloff.com
FREE MINI VIDEO CLASSES ON YOUTUBE FOR YOU!
Please check out “Dr. Orloff’s Living Room Series” to find out more about the special method Dr. Orloff recommends to remember your dreams and other topics to build the power within. Stop by www.youtube.com/judithorloffmd anytime.

some good reasons you should have sex everyday

If you thought that the only benefit of sex was, well, pleasure, here's some news for you. Making love is good for adults. And making love regularly is even better.
Not only does it help you sleep well, relieve stress and burn calories, there are also several other reasons why you need to have sex more often.


Improves cardiovascular health A recent study says that men who have sex more than twice a week, have a lesser risk of getting a heart attack, than men who had sex less than once a month.
Increases immunity Regular lovemaking increases the level of the immune-boosting antibody immunoglobulin A (IgA), which in turn makes your body stronger against illnesses like the common cold and fever.
Reduces stress Stressed out with work or family problems? Don't let it affect your performance in the bedroom. Not only will having sex improve your mood, but a study has also proven that folks, who indulge in regular bedroom activities can handle stress better and are happier people.
Relieves pain If you're using a headache as an excuse to not make love, stop doing that. Have sex instead, because, when you're about to have an orgasm, the level of the hormone oxytocin increases by five times. This endorphin actually reduces aches and pains.
Promotes longevity When one has an orgasm, a hormone called dehydroepiandrosterone is released. This improves immunity, repairs tissue and keeps the skin healthy. Men, who have at least two orgasms a week, live longer than men who have sex just once every few weeks.
Increases blood circulation Because your heart rate increases when you have sex, fresh blood is supplied to your organs and cells. While used blood is removed, the body also expels toxins and other materials that cause you to feel tired.
You sleep better The sleep that you get just after you've made love will be much more relaxed. Getting a good night's sleep will make you feel alert and overall healthy.
Improves overall fitness If you find going to the gym mundane or working out at home a task, here's another way to help you lose the flab and keep in shape. Regular sex will do wonders for your waistline. Half an hour of lovemaking burns more than 80 calories.
Increases levels of Oestrogen and testosterone In men, the hormone testosterone is what makes them more passionate in the sack. Not only will it make you feel way better in bed, but it also improves your muscles and bones, keeps your heart healthy and keeps a check on your cholesterol. In women, on the other hand, the hormone oestrogen protects them against heart disease and also determines a woman's body scent.

Benefits of Sex

By Kathleen Doheny
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Michael W. Smith, MD

Being "in the mood" just might help your health.
How does a juicy sex life do a body good? Let's count the ways.

Sex-Drive Killers Slideshow

1. Less Stress, Better Blood Pressure

Having sex could lower your stress and your blood pressure.
That finding comes from a Scottish study of 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. The researchers put them in stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing math out loud -- and checked their blood pressure.
People who had had intercourse responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.
Another study found that diastolic blood pressure (the bottom number of your blood pressure) tends to be lower in people who live together and have sex often.

2. Sex Boosts Immunity

Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.
A Wilkes University study had 112 college students keep records of how often they had sex and also provide saliva samples for the study. Those who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of IgA, an antibody that could help you avoid a cold or other infection, than other students.

3. Sex Burns Calories

Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.
"Sex is a great mode of exercise," Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton, says. It takes both physical and psychological work, though, to do it well, she says.

4. Sex Improves Heart Health

A 20-year-long British study shows that men who had sex two or more times a week were half as likely to have a fatal heart attack than men who had sex less than once a month.
And although some older folks may worry that sex could cause a stroke, the study found no link between how often men had sex and how likely they were to have a stroke.

5. Better Self-Esteem

University of Texas researchers found that boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex.
That finding makes sense to sex, marriage, and family therapist Gina Ogden. She also says that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better.
"One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she says. "Great sex begins with self-esteem. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."
Of course, you don't have to have lots of sex to feel good about yourself. Your self-esteem is all about you -- not someone else. But if you're already feeling good about yourself, a great sex life may help you feel even better.

6. Deeper Intimacy

Having sex and orgasms boosts levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps people bond and build trust.
In a study of 59 women, researchers checked their oxytocin levels before and after the women hugged their partners. The women had higher oxytocin levels if they had more of that physical contact with their partner.
Higher oxytocin levels have also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So snuggle up -- it might help you feel more generous toward your partner.

7. Sex May Turn Down Pain

Oxytocin also boosts your body's painkillers, called endorphins. Headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms may improve after sex.
In one study, 48 people inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked. The oxytocin cut their pain threshold by more than half.

8. More Ejaculations May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely

Research shows that frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may lower the risk of getting prostate cancer later in life.
A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that men who had 21 or more ejaculations a month were less likely to get prostate cancer than those who had four to seven ejaculations per month.
The study doesn't prove that ejaculations were the only factor that mattered. Many things affect a person's odds of developing cancer. But when the researchers took that into consideration, the findings still held.

9. Stronger Pelvic Floor Muscles

For women, doing pelvic floor muscle exercises called Kegels may mean more pleasure -- and, as a perk, less chance of incontinence later in life.
To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor as if you're trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.

10. Better Sleep

The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, research shows.
Getting enough sleep has also been linked with a host of other health benefits, such as a healthy weight and better blood pressure. That's something to think about, especially if you've been wondering why your guy can be active one minute and snoring the next.