12 Tips on Sex in Marriage for the Christian Wife

1. Don’t dichotomize your spiritual and sexual life. Sex in marriage is a wonderful gift to be nurtured and enjoyed. Growing sexually with your husband is a godly pursuit. Therefore get in the habit of praying about sex and praising God for this gift as much as you would (or more) for other areas of life and other godly pursuits; e.g. spiritual disciplines, evangelism, missions, serving others, etc. Remember, marriage comes before ministry.
2. Fill your mind with God’s perspective on sex. We grow up in a culture that abuses sex and we tend to be on our guard sexually. Then we get married and that same “on guard” attitude can linger. Therefore get a hold of several good Christian books on marital sex and read them regularly. You don’t read the Bible just once. Sex is very important to a marriage and you should fill your mind on a regular basis with knowledge and insights that will enhance your sex life. Read the Song of Solomon and I Corinthians 7:1-9 from time to time. Don’t limit your reading to Christian books. If a book promotes monogamy it probably has many insights that are worthwhile. (e.g. John Gray’s series on “Mars and Venus”).
3. Keep reminding yourself your husband views sex differently than you. Sex is paramount in your husband’s mind. That’s the way God made him and you shouldn’t judge him for it. He’s sight-oriented and focuses more on physical attraction and the sexual act. You are relationship-oriented and focus more on the whole relationship. The more you can demonstrate your sensitivity to your husband’s viewpoint, the more he will be willing and excited about developing your relationship, more non-sexual affection, and better communication.
4. Keep yourself beautiful to your husband. Its amazing how some women are meticulous about how they look when they are single and then don’t seem to care after they are married. Usually this is a gradual process. Remember your husband is sight-oriented. He has to work very hard to maintain self-control in a sea of sexual messages and sexy bodies in provocative clothing. Seeing his attractive wife looking her best on a regular basis is a tremendous encouragement to him. You don’t have to be dressed to the hilt all the time or go over the line provocatively. Find a balance. Learn what your husband likes about styles and make-up for public dress, as well as lingerie and sexy wear for private dress.
5. Evaluate to what level you are inhibited sexually. If you aren’t, then praise God. If you are to any degree, know God wants you to grow less inhibited. But don’t be hard on yourself. If you’re inhibited it’s probably because of a less than affirmative attitude about sex in your upbringing and/or part of your personality. If you were sexually active before marriage it could be some guilt-issues over that. Explore the roots of your inhibition and ask God to slowly heal you to be free to enjoy sex with increasingly more creativity and passion.
6. Train your husband to turn you on. Your husband should be reading about how to make sex as exciting as possible for you. A lot of this will be relationship and communication issues. Regularly communicate to him which of these are important to you and affirm him when he makes progress. Yet bedroom technique is still very important. He must become a student of what turns you on, so, over time, tell him in detail what excites you, where and how to kiss and touch you, how much pressure, etc, etc. Don’t expect him to know everything! Every woman is different. Use the positive-feedback approach when correcting his touch. “Hmmm, that’s nice, but like this is even better.”, rather than “Don’t do it like that…” Your goal is regular sexual satisfaction and frequent orgasms, not an orgasm every time. It’s normal and fine for a woman not to feel the need to come to orgasm every time. Yet your goal of sexual satisfaction and regular orgasms on your time terms will cement your relationsh! ip in a wonderful way.
7. Train yourself to turn him on. You must become a student of your husband’s sexual desires and turn-ons. He will probably be open to more creativity and variation than you. That’s OK. Learn what he likes and desires. If you have a problem with something, discuss it and agree to not do anything that either person is not comfortable with. (Anything a husband and wife do together is good as long as it doesn’t harm physically, emotionally or mentally). On the other hand, if you are uncomfortable with something, explore the reasons why and ask God to change you if necessary. You will go a long way if, on occasion, you take turns asking this question: “Now, tell me exactly how I can please you tonight.” Or “Is there anything you would like me to do I haven’t done in a while or that would be a completely new thing?” This practice will open up each of you to be free, open, and less inhibited.
8. Don’t let it get boring. Related to #7, if you don’t develop a creative, free and uninhibited sex life, it’s guaranteed that it’s only a matter of time that your husband will get bored sexually and temptations will enter in. Work hard to not let this happen. Again, let God in every area of your life and ask Him to help you since it’s usually (but not always) the woman who is more content to put up with a boring, predictable, same-old-thing sex life. The church has a lot of teaching against adultery (and rightly so). Unfortunately it often has too little teaching on the roots of adultery, one of which is a lack of attention on the most important matters to the man and woman—relationship/communication for the woman and good, clean, fun, and creative sex for the man!
9. Come to terms with questionable sexual practices. Where in scripture does it condemn oral sex? The answer is nowhere. Don’t take this writers word for it. The Christian books, Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, and The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner, have good studies on this. The truth is oral sex is an incredibly exciting and wonderful sexual practice that most married couples enjoy including Christians. If you have an aversion to it, fine. Neither be hard on yourself nor look down on others who don’t. But don’t be passive about this either. Be proactive in learning about it and pray for God to change whatever is necessary in your mind (If your husband has an aversion to giving you oral sex, he should do the same thing). If you can develop the practice of giving your husband regular doses of skillful oral sex, he will be thrilled to the core. If you can train him to give you slow and deliberate oral sex when you are in the mood, you will be th! rilled to the core. In this writers’ opinion, only if both agree that they don’t want to pursue oral sex should it be shelved altogether, for in Philippians scripture says, “…don’t look only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Other questionable areas like certain positions, fulfilling sexual fantasies, and anal stimulation should be approached this same way.
10. Buy a book or booklet on marriage, sex and sexual technique on occasion. One way to show your husband you are focusing on the one thing that looms largest in his mind regarding marriage is to buy books on sex occasionally. Don’t let him be the one to always buy such things. Don’t be afraid to buy a sexual technique book that is not explicitly Christian as long as it encourages faithful, monogamous sex. If you feel your husband is not understanding your relationship/communication needs, buy one that deals with that and read it in his presence and ask him to check it out. If you start reading a book entitled, “How to drive your man crazy in bed” in his presence, as assuredly as the sun will rise tomorrow and it’s true that God so the loved the world that He sent Jesus, he will have your full attention at that moment. And if you tell him if he’s a good boy you’ll try a few of the suggestions, you could probably get him to eat out of your hand and wait on you hand and foot! Th! is is also true of lingerie. Don’t be afraid to ask him what kind of lingerie he’d like you to buy.
11. Make your marriage truly your number one priority, apart from your relationship to God. Christian couples often get lazy about developing their marriage relationship. Over time, other pursuits become more important, even godly ones. The truth is that if you put a disproportionate amount time into anything—including evangelism and missions or other ministry activity—over the time you put into your marriage, it is out of God’s will. Therefore you must be proactive in working at your marriage and sex life. Don’t say to yourself, “the man is the spiritual head, he should lead in this.” If he’s not leading, you take the lead. If he is leading, don’t wait for him to bring up an issue, do it yourself. Each person is responsible for loving their spouse and building their marriage regardless how active the other person is. For women this means preparing yourself mentally and physically for regular sexual union. “I’m too busy and always tired”, you say. That’s no excuse. Carve out t! ime to get ready for romance, to spend time together, to do mutually enjoyable activities together, and have sexual union. Drop activities and responsibilities, even spiritual ones, if necessary. For sex, this means allowing for three types of sex. (1) The long, luxurious sexual adventures (if you have children, nights at a hotel or weekends away), (2) The normal 20 –30 minute encounter, and (3) what some call “quickies.” Because men normally want more frequent sex than women, you must find a happy medium and be willing to minister to your husband through occaisional quick sex at times when things are too busy to get prepared and take the time, but he’s hungry nevertheless! Allowing for this will do wonders to encourage a man that his wife truly loves him enough to give him a few moments of passion even if she probably won’t be tuned in to having an orgasm herself.
12. Remember, you reap what you sow. If you sow a lazy attitude towards marriage and sex, you’ll reap a lousy marriage. If you sow a boring, predictable, same-old-thing sex life, you’ll reap a frustrated, inattentive husband. This works both ways. If your husband sows inattentive, unaffectionate, unhelpful and unromantic practices, he’ll reap a wife not interested in sex and his own frustrations. But what is your responsibility if your husband isn’t proactive? Isn’t it to love the husband unconditionally with the Lord’s help? In a perfect marriage, a husband and wife take equal steps toward each other to meet each others needs. What some wives don’t realize is how powerful good sex is in getting a man in touch with his relationship side. The more he feels loved sexually, the more he opens up to meet the affectionate, romantic, and communication needs of his wife. So if you sow an uninhibited, creative sex life, you’ll reap a more romantic husband. If you sow regular doses of ! what turns him on—often it’s oral sex the way he likes it—you’ll reap a more affectionate husband. If you sow sexual variety that’s restricted only by true biblical mandates, you’ll reap a more communicative mate. If you sow a commitment to put lots of time and mental energy into your marriage, with Spirit of God inside you to enable you, you’ll reap a wonderful marriage. If you are lucky enough that both of you make this commitment, you’ll reap a marriage made in heaven.

Author's Bio: 

Michael is a free-lance writer and graphic designer who writes on a variety of subjects and provides writing and designs services through his company, Promotional Designs (
http://members.home.net/promodesigns/Welcome.htm ). He has a vision to see Christian marriages flourish.

How to Deepen Your Relationship with Touch and Sex

“Passion comes easily in the early days of a relationship. Almost every word, glance and touch vibrates with lust. It’s nature’s way of drawing us together. But after the captivating rush of desire, what is the place of sex in a relationship? Besides pulling us in, can sex also help to keep us together to build a lasting relationship? Emphatically, yes. In fact, good sex is a potent bonding experience. The passion of infatuation is just the hors d’oeuvre. Loving sex in a long-term relationship is the entree.” Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight.
Much of what we hear in popular culture and from some self help gurus is that passion is a passing sensation, which fades as a relationship matures. The high intensity of sexual desire that characterizes the beginning of your relationship is thought to inevitably diminish with time. Unfortunately, too much emphasis has been placed on the mechanics of sex: positions, techniques, and toys to enhance physical bliss.
When couples feel secure in their relationship, then emotional connection creates great sex and great sex deepens the emotional connection. For emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged couples, sex becomes intimate play where sexual needs, deepest joys and vulnerabilities are shared. Sexually satisfied couples are truly ‘making love’.
Happy couples attribute only 15-20% of their happiness to a satisfying sex life. On the other hand, unhappy couples believe that 50-70% of their unhappiness is due to an unsatisfying sex life. (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2003). The reason sex is such a big issue with unhappy couples is because it is the first thing affected when a relationship begins to falter. It is not usually the real problem, but more of a symptom. It is a bit like the “canary in the mine” warning a couple of danger. It signals that the couple do not feel emotionally safe which each other. The security of our emotional connection defines our relationship in bed as well as out.
The most common physical sexual problems are low sex drive for women and premature ejaculation for men. This is not surprising. When women are unhappy in relationships they typically feel alone, emotionally disconnected. If they are seeking reassurance that they are valued for who they are as a person and do not receive it they shut down sexually. When men are unhappy, they often focus more on their sexual performance and their own release rather than focussing on pleasing her. When she senses this, it can make her feel more alone and sex becomes less pleasurable for her. This reinforces his sense of inadequacy, and the sexual issues continue, increase and then are seen as ‘the’ problem for a couple. Most often, when couples can create a secure emotional connection, their sex life improves automatically.
Deepening Your Connection through Touch and Sex
If you or your partner is not feeling emotionally secure and safe in your relationship, it will not be possible to have a constructive conversation about improving the quality of your sex life. I have written in previous articles about how to create a greater sense of security by learning how to stop destructive conversations and how to de-escalate conflict. Appreciating the vulnerabilities of your partner is also a prerequisite for deeper conversations. For those of you in more secure relationships, you must have the courage to reveal your own deeper desires and needs and have the courage to ask your partner for the love you need.
If you and your partner are feeling emotionally secure, then below are a few suggestions to deepen your connection through touch and sex. Some of these may be very hard to do. Perhaps more attention on touch than sex would be good place to start. Remember to stay open, responsive and engaged as you have these conversations. Try these and have some fun!
1. With your partner, recall a time in your relationship when sex was really satisfying. The person who tends to initiate sex less goes first. Share the story of this pleasant and happy experience with your partner in as much detail as possible. Talk about what you think made it so memorable. Then the other person shares a different story.
2. Have a conversation about “If I was perfect in bed.” One person begins by saying: “If I were perfect in bed, I could, I would______________, and then you would feel more______________.” Share at least three responses with each other.
3. Think of all the ways touch can show up in your relationship. For example, holding hands while out together, a spontaneous hug while making dinner together, giving a shoulder or back massage or brushing her hair. Take turns telling your partner your favourite nonsexual ways of being touched.
Touch can be enjoyable in and of itself as a way of connecting emotionally. It does not always have to lead to sex. Spontaneity, anticipation, surprise can create the right mood. Touch is a powerful expression of love. Sex can then be simply for fun, as way of getting close, a straight forward release, a way to deal with stress, a route to romance, a place of tender connection, or a burst of passion.

Love and Money: How love can last through these troubled economic times.

By Julienne B. Derichs LCPC

Turn on the television or radio, read a newspaper or blog and you’ll get bombarded with messages about something that you may already know: we are in an economic slump. The relationship between love and money is challenging during the best of times. With rising unemployment, unmanageable debt, and no new credit to speak of, it is understandable to question whether or not love can survive through these troubled economic times.

Most couples imagine that if they made more money, their money troubles would go away. They do not. The problems often become more expensive. So even if you and your partner make loads of money, why is it that you can still have so many conflicts around money? Let’s take a look.

I love you...I hate you...Your always there...You’re never around...

What is your relationship with money? Is money a kind friend or something that you only think about when it’s time to pay the bills?  Picture the family you grew up in, what did you learn about money from the way your parents or caretakers managed money?  

It is important to understand your own relationship with money. Ask yourself:

• Am I a spender or a saver?

• Do I spend more if I am bored, angry, or depressed?

• What did I learn about money when I was growing up?

• Do I think focusing on money is “self-serving” or “greedy”?

• What is the primary feeling I have when I think about money?

Compare your answers to these questions with your partner’s answers. Are they same or very different?

Not Every Dollar has the Same Value

In any healthy relationship, there is a pattern of harmony and disharmony between all the working parts, and your relationship with money is no different. Problems arise not only in your own relationship with money but also because your partner has his or her unique relationship with money that may or may not be compatible with your own.

Relationship with Money: Five key elements. 

Directing – how you manage taking care of your money as it comes in and goes out. This includes everyday emotional and intellectual choices about spending, paying bills, tracking deposits, balancing the checkbook, and keeping a budget.

Spending - how you spend your money, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. 

Earning - how you earn money. 

Saving - how much money you hold onto. 

Investing – how you get your money to make you money.

We all have attitudes about money that may hurt our ability to make wise decisions. Ask yourself:

• If there isn’t ever enough money, how do I save and invest?

• Do I manage my money, or is my spending or saving causing me to spin out of control?

• Even though I save will there ever be enough money?

• Do I tend to over spend which causes me to under save and invest?

• Do I want to make more money so that I don’t have to examine or change my relationship with money?

Why We Fight Over Money

Many fights take place not because of the amount of money spent, but because of the expectations couples have that they never really talk clearly about. Whether it's conflicting styles, or misaligned agendas, couples get rooted in their individual beliefs about money. These views make it difficult to see that their partner simply has a different history and relationship with money.

Money is just pieces of paper which can represent power, a high or low self-worth, safety, and love. Put two people together with different ideas about money, and you have an unavoidable recipe for conflict. Here are some key reasons couples fight about money:

Daily Financial Decisions: Since financial decisions have to be made almost daily, they can be a frequent source of disagreement. Let’s face it managing money can feel like a burden.

Power and Control: When it comes to money, one partner may be more focused on saving every penny while the other is focused on spending every penny. Both 

the saver and the spender often view money as a means of control and may believe that the person making or holding the most money has the last word on financial decisions. Buying into the idea that money equals power in a marriage can only cause greater conflict.

Keeping Secrets, Financial Infidelity

What information about money do you keep hidden from your partner? Many couples that I see in my practice report that they didn’t fully talk about the dept they were carrying into marriage. This means they never talked about income, debt burden, student loans, inheritance, savings and credit status. Without full and open financial disclosure couples engage in maintaining secrets in the relationship that are damaging to the glue, which is trust, that holds the relationship together. 

Hiding leads to disconnection, dis-connection leads to resentment, resentment leads to unresolved conflict. Unresolvable conflict leads to divorce.

Poor Communication

Couples are often afraid to talk about money. They fear that major changes may come; they will feel deprived, or that the conversation will erupt into a huge fight.

When fights about money come up between you and your partner, it is always good to ask yourself: “Are we still talking about money, or is the real issue something else?” If you find yourself at an impasse over money issues, consider consulting a counselor who can help you deal with financial and communication problems. 

Navigating the Ups and Downs Ahead

Relationships are facing more and more stress during this economic slump. Many relationships are seriously hurting because it is often difficult to adjust our lifestyle as quickly as salaries are declining. The hope is that our partner will provide a safe place to fall... a place to de-stress and be soothed…especially in such 

troubling economic times. Yet sometimes that isn’t the case in our love relationships.

Here are a few tips on keeping your connection strong while handling economic stress:

The Precious Present: Focus on today, right now this moment. Future thoughts create anxiety and stress because of the unknown. Be mindful not to get caught in that trap. Keep your mind on what you have now and what you are doing now. 

Free Date Nights: Make your relationship a priority and schedule date nights. Be creative in finding ways to connect with one another without spending any money. Embrace the frugal “less is more” lifestyle. Visit frugal living sites like Frugalliving.com on the web and see what you two come up with! 

Create a Plan Together: One of my favorite sayings is “life hands us many opportunities to act without a plan (which can be very stressful) so when you can plan...Do!” Creating financial, work, life, or stress management plans helps to create a sense of direction and lowers anxiety. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together. 

Talk to Each Other: Difficult times often cause couples to isolate themselves from one another and keep quiet for fear of rocking the boat any further. During tough times it is more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open. It is okay to be fearful or upset…so hold onto one another, face the struggles together and talk. Getting confirmation that you aren’t alone can ease the stress and make the obstacles more manageable.

Take a Helping Hand: Money issues are often ongoing problems that need management and solutions. Seeking the help of a counselor before it becomes a reason for divorce is worth the effort. It just might save your relationship.

How to use sex to Keep Your Immune System

1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming

“Sexually active people take fewer sick days,” says Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD a sexual health expert.

People who have sex have higher levels of what defends your body against germs, viruses, and other intruders. Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex once or twice a week had higher levels of the a certain antibody compared to students who had sex less often.

You should still do all the other things that make your immune system happy, such as:

• Eat right.
• Stay active.
• Get enough sleep.
• Keep up with your vaccinations.
• Use a condom if you don’t know both of your STD statuses.

2. Boosts Your Libido

Longing for a more lively sex life? “Having sex will make sex better and will improve your libido,” says Lauren Streicher, MD. She is an assistant clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

For women, having sex ups vaginal lubrication, blood flow, and elasticity, she says, all of which make sex feel better and help you crave more of it.

3. Improves Women's Bladder Control

A strong pelvic floor is important for avoiding incontinence, something that will affect about 30% of women at some point in their lives.

Good sex is like a workout for your pelvic floor muscles. When you have an orgasm, it causes contractions in those muscles, which strengthens them.

4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure

Research suggests a link between sex and lower blood pressure, says Joseph J. Pinzone, MD. He is CEO and medical director of Amai Wellness.

“There have been many studies,” he says. “One landmark study found that sexual intercourse specifically (not masturbation) lowered systolic blood pressure.” That's the first number on your blood pressure test.

5. Counts as Exercise

“Sex is a really great form of exercise,” Pinzone says. It won’t replace the treadmill, but it counts for something.

Sex uses about five calories per minute, four more calories than watching TV. It gives you a one-two punch: It bumps up your heart rate and uses various muscles.

So get busy! You may even want to clear your schedule to make time for it on a regular basis.  “Like with exercise, consistency helps maximize the benefits,” Pinzone says.

6. Lowers Heart Attack Risk

A good sex life is good for your heart. Besides being a great way to raise your heart rate, sex helps keep your estrogen and testosterone levels in balance.

“When either one of those is low you begin to get lots of problems, like osteoporosis and even heart disease,” Pinzone says.

Having sex more often may help. During one study, men who had sex at least twice a week were half as likely to die of heart disease as men who had sex rarely.

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

The perks of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

(continued)

7. Lessens Pain

Before you reach for an aspirin, try for an orgasm.
“Orgasm can block pain,” says Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. It releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.
Stimulation without orgasm can also do the trick. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache,” Komisaruk says.

8. May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely

Going for the gusto may help ward off prostate cancer.
Men who ejaculated frequently (at least 21 times a month) were less likely to get prostate cancer during one study, which was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
You don’t need a partner to reap this benefit: Sexual intercourse, nocturnal emission, and masturbation were all part of the equation.
It's not clear that sex was the only reason that mattered in that study. Lots of factors affect cancer risk. But more sex won’t hurt.

9. Improves Sleep

You may nod off more quickly after sex, and for good reason.
“After orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released, which is responsible for the feelings of relaxation and sleepiness" after sex, says Sheenie Ambardar, MD. She is a psychiatrist in West Hollywood, Calif.

10. Eases Stress

Being close to your partner can soothe stress and anxiety.
Ambardar says touching and hugging can release your body's natural “feel-good hormone.” Sexual arousal releases a brain chemical that revs up your brain’s pleasure and reward system.
Sex and intimacy can boost your self-esteem and happiness, too, Ambardar says. It’s not only a prescription for a healthy life, but a happy one.

How to curb anger in marriage.

Happy new year to you all, for a very long time i was unable to blog, it was due to internet connection , i'm very sorry.Can anger in a marriage be managed more effectively? David and Vera Mace, pioneers in the Marriage Enrichment movement, have outlined a way of coping with anger feelings that surface in most every marriage relationship. The Mace's indicate that anger is a healthy, normal emotion and one that is present at different times in all marital relationships. Couples should give each other the right to be angry.
When either of the spouses feels angry feelings coming on, those angry feelings should be expressed in words, but the words should be expressed calmly and with love. Extensive nonverbal gestures need not be made, rather, the angry spouse should be able to put their feelings in words in much the same tone that they would say "I feel hungry," or "I am very hungry," or "I am very tired."
Couples who effectively manage their anger agree that anger can be expressed and acknowledged within a marriage relationship. They agree never to attack each other in anger. They share their anger, but they do not attack. Couples should agree with each other that they will not yell at one another unless there is an extreme danger. A firm non-yelling policy within the marriage will remove the need for a spouse to feel defensive or to develop any type of retaliatory anger. By expressing feelings of anger in a very calm fashion, both partners in a relationship are able to find out how and why the anger is present in their marriage.
The Mace's have developed an acronym to help couples remember a better way of solving anger. The acronym they have selected is AREA. The A stands for Admitting your anger to your spouse; R stands for the desire to Restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling your spouse; the E stands for Explaining in a very calm fashion why you are angry; the A stands for Action planning or doing something about the cause of the anger.
Generally, if anger is handled in the above fashion and a calm approach is taken to identify the cause and what can be about the anger, couples usually find that the anger was based on a misunderstanding or misinterpreted words or deeds, or that the anger was based on one partner being pushed beyond a level of tolerance, all of which are quite easily solved when approached in a very calm fashion.

Relationship Therapy: Rock the Boat?

by Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D.

Most of us prefer to avoid conversations that have the potential to disturb the peace of our relationships. Even when we have something important to say, we often choose to keep silent. Why chance having an argument or getting someone else angry at us? People often tell me, "speaking up just isn't worth the risk."
On the face of things, keeping quiet in your relationship may often seem like a wise choice. Shouldn't you do your best to keep your relationship running smoothly? Yet, when we struggle over whether or not to keep quiet, the topic is usually significant. And while speaking up may raise your anxiety, keeping silent usually isn't an anxiety-free choice.
Some examples (with names and details changed): Susan has a strained relationship with her dad, who has strong ideas about how his daughter should live her life. Now 30, Susan has acknowledged that she is lesbian to herself and to her friends, but not to her father. "Why bother?", she tells me in therapy. "It will only upset him, and then he'll be angry at me, which is really unpleasant." Susan thinks of telling her dad "someday", but in the meantime, she puts a good deal of effort into obscuring much of her life from him, and they have a distant, tense relationship. Besides being a tough way to live, Susan is keeping herself a stranger from her dad and limiting (rather than strengthening) her ability to be herself when she thinks others may disapprove of who she is.
Or take Jim, who is annoyed that his wife is seldom willing to have sex. He continually accepts excuses that involve tiredness, wrong time of day, or headaches, rather than pressing Marcy on the larger issue of their anemic sex life. In therapy, when I ask him why, he explains that bringing up his dissatisfaction and seriously talking with Marcy on this issue may lead to the wrong kind of change in their marriage. "Maybe she'll get mad at me and leave. Or maybe I'll find out I am not going to get what I want, and I will have to leave. I'd rather live with the hope that things in our relationship may get better."
Both Susan and Jim are avoiding conversations that will let someone close to them know them better and allow for a more honest relationship. They are both avoiding taking on a situation that they are not happy with, because they are afraid that things will get worse.
Of course, the same may be true for Susan's father and for Marcy. Susan's dad likely notices her distance, but doesn't press Susan for fear of hearing news he may not like. It is probable that Marcy is well aware of Jim's unhappiness, but is afraid, herself, to discuss her lack of desire or her own unhappiness in the relationship. Like her husband, Marcy never brings up the idea of seeking relationship therapy.
So, which is better? Keeping someone you love in the dark about who you really are, or dealing with their disappointment in you? Keeping silent on a difficult topic in the hope that things will change for the better, or speaking up and facing the possibility that things won't go the way you want them to? Such dilemmas may seem like a choice between the frying pan and the fire.
In my psychotherapy practice, I tell my therapy clients that it is worth considering how much your decision to keep silent or speak up is based on your desire to avoid anxiety. Are you choosing silence because you believe that you can't handle discord, disapproval, or change? Or are you acting out of a solid belief that keeping quiet is the best choice?
It is natural and understandable that most of us will try to avoid taking action when we are anxious about the consequences. However, when you make the choice not to rock the boat in your relationship, you are likely to still find yourself in a tough situation. The alternative is to learn how to tolerate the anxiety of speaking up even when you are scared to do so, because you believe that doing so is the best choice.
Although this can be difficult, I know it is doable, because I have worked with many psychotherapy clients on this issue. When you are able to speak thoughtfully about important but difficult matters, you have a better shot at honest communication and more intimate relationships. You are also likely to feel better about yourself, when you behave in ways that you respect.

 

For help with your marriage, click here to learn about relationship therapy in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.
Click here to learn about individual counseling in Washington DC with Dr. Michael Radkowsky.